Episode Report Card Gwen: D | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Seeing Green
By Gwen | Season 3 | Episode 3 | Aired on 11.07.1999
Ally's sitting around playing with a chessboard, a glass of water, and her bottle of Prozac. Calgon, will this show never end? Elaine walks in wearing an outfit she borrowed from Mary Ann of Gilligan's Island. She asks if Ally's joining everyone down at the bar. Ally tells her, "I'll be down right after I spend several minutes over-dramatizing my decision to put something other than a letter opener or a finger into my mouth." Elaine tells her that if she's that freaked out about the pills, she simply shouldn't take them. Ally says, "Blah blah blah Al Green," while pulling at the skin on her forearm in a way that I found quite disturbing. Elaine says, "But that last hallucination blah blah blah!" Ally takes a pill out of the bottle and says that she wants to "do this alone." Elaine leaves. We hear Al Green singing, "Don't look so sad, blah blah." Ally runs to the Unisex and pours the pills down the toilet. They're really huge green pills, too. What the hell was her dosage, anyway? Then we get the stupid, symbolically ambivalent CGI of Ally herself being flushed. Sadly, it's just Ally's imagination.
Josie Bissett was telling me something about Neutrogena, but I didn't pay attention because I was distracted by her orange eye shadow and the fact that her face suddenly looks completely different.
The principal of Kirby's school is wearing a vest that's too small and telling Nelle that he'll "expunge it from the record." Nelle in her pinstriped suit and white oxford shirt beckons Kirby, who is sitting at a table in the hall, campaigning to be class secretary. They are watched by a angry-looking boy in a varsity jacket and the girls hanging over said boy's table. Kirby tells Nelle that everyone's saying he kisses like a snapping turtle. Nelle says romance novels shouldn't describe kisses as "hungry" and give the impression that the characters are "eating each other's lips or something." In the most contrived, unrealistic event of the whole hour, she offers to kiss him and show him how it's supposed to be soft and tender and blah, blah. I'm JUST SO SURE. Kirby's voice cracks, "Here??" Nelle explains -- check out this casual rationalization -- that if she did it in a private place, she'd risk being arrested because he's underage. So that's how that law works! Take note, adults who date high-schoolers! Kirby's all tripped out, so Nelle says she'll just kiss him goodbye. She lays one on him for about five seconds, during which time everyone in the whole school has a chance to gape in wonder. She tells Kirby that every guy in the school is envious of him and that he really can kiss. Kirby's a new man. Woo hoo for him.