Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Vile Things
By Strega | Season 4 | Episode 25 | Aired on 01.20.2001
Subassdunne and Danielle are sitting on a park bench, and it looks like Danielle has moved successfully from her first kiss to her first grope. She is also wearing completely different clothes from when the limo picked her up. Danielle worries that they're moving too fast. Subassdunne assures her that he doesn't want to rush things. She suddenly fondles his crotch, earning all sorts of hazard pay, and explains that she does want to rush things, because she's "tired of being the only virgin in the sophomore class." While Subassdunne makes disturbing noises, she talks about how part of her wants him to rip her clothes off, and another part of her wants to wait until she's married to have sex. She finally releases him, and Subassdunne talks about his struggles with his own "dark side." Shut up, Luke Skywanker. We've got enough incestuous themes without dragging Star Wars into this mess. Subassdunne's distracted from his noble speech when Danielle begins unzipping her shirt and sliding her hands over her bra. As if none of these shenanigans are taking place, they both calmly agree that they're afraid of getting hurt. Subassdunne suggests that they take it slow and not hurt each other. Then he looks to the side and mutters, "God, we sound like a cancelled television series." Get it? Get it? So, having agreed to take it slow, Danielle unzips Subassdunne's fly and bends over him. In a public park. Just as I prepare to give myself a lobotomy with a carving knife (and in so doing, automatically get an offer to write and direct a show for Fox), Danielle's phone rings and interrupts the proceedings. It's her dad, reminding her to meet her aunt for afternoon mass. Kathryn goes shopping and snarks at the salesgirl. Chad the Machiavellette turns up with a file on Subassdunne. Chad explains that Subassdunne paid off "the overnight delivery guy" in order to substitute faked papers for the unflattering report that his old principal sent to Manchester. Back at home, Subassdunne makes a date with Danielle to see "the new James Van Der Beek film." Danielle says that her dad's out of town, so she's alone with her cat. Amazingly, there is a second "joke" about pussies. Subassdunne hangs up and then says, "The school virgin's at home alone with her pussy, and I'm taking her to see Dawson. God, I've become a total fag." He just couldn't be more unpleasant, could he? Kathryn enters and tosses Subassdunne's school file at him. Subassdunne says he's trying to start over, but Kathryn's not interested. She mentions his mom, and asks, "How will she pay for rehab when I tell my mom where some of her money's going?" Huh? Is it a secret that Subassdunne and/or his father are paying for the rehab? And if so, why? Subassdunne makes a few extremely vague threats, including, "You don't know what I'm capable of." Kathryn says, "Yes I do; I read your file. It turns me on." To prove it, she disrobes and reveals her black lace negligee. Huh? She asks if he's going to see Danielle, and it's her turn to squeeze his crotch. Why does everyone feel compelled to grab him like that? Maybe he's got one of those stress-relief squeeze toys in his pocket. Kathryn says that she and Subassdunne are alike, and repeats that he'll just break Danielle's heart eventually. "We could make a great team," she insists, and sucks his finger. Subassdunne points out that she's his stepsister, and asks if there's any line she won't cross. "Only one," she answers. "Never in the butt." Thereby spelling out the first movie's premise, you see. She shoves Subassdunne back onto the bed and claims, "The Bradys never had it so good." That depends on who you talk to, actually. They make out for a bit, and then Subassdunne finally pulls away and says he has to leave. He insists that he loves Danielle, and that he won't let Kathryn corrupt him. She says he can't change, and Subassdunne insists that he'll try. "You're gonna die trying," she smirks, because she saw the first movie. Subassdunne leaves, and Kathryn picks up the phone and calls someone. "Hello, Danielle?" she says. Gosh 'n' golly, what is she up to now?