Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Vile Things
By Strega | Season 4 | Episode 25 | Aired on 01.20.2001
Kathryn is wheeled into a room on a massage table. Oh, she's also talking on the phone, nagging what I'm willing to bet is a drunken Irish stablehand about grooming her horse, Byron. She hangs up, and is wheeled up next to her mother while two (shall we assume Swedish?) women begin rubbing their backs. Mama Merteuil mentions Cherie, and Kathryn explains that she's on a campaign to turn Cherie into a slut. It's nice that Kathryn can be so honest with her mom. Mama Merteuil orders Kathryn to play nice, because she's hoping to convince Cherie's mother to donate money to the school. Kathryn pouts. Subassdunne strolls in and whines that he's failing his fencing class. Mama Mertuil suggests that Subassdunne try a soothing massage, and Kathryn offers to give up her table, since she's got some important sulking to do. The masseurs kneel in front of Subassdunne and start fiddling with his shorts. Ack. An unclear amount of time later, Subassdunne is stretched out on the table and is surprised to discover that his massage is now being performed by his stepmother. How could he miss that happening? Mama Merteuil talks about how she wants to get to know her stepson. She mentions that Subassdunne's father has been spending a lot of time working on his yacht, so she'll have plenty of time to chat with Subassdunne. Subassdunne non-sequiturs about how much Papa Valmont loves her. Mama Merteuil mentions that if that weren't so, Subassdunne and his father would be on the street. This is such a strange conversation. Not to mention the Spanking The Monkey subtext. If she thinks that her husband is cheating on her, what does she expect Subassdunne to do about it? Mama Merteuil slaps Subassdunne on the ass and leaves. I slap myself in the face to stay awake. Subassdunne visits his father's yacht. Papa Valmont's in bed. And handcuffed to the headboard. And there's a girl hiding in the closet. How droll. Subassdunne tells the girl that Papa Valmont is married, and she gets vexed and leaves. Subassdunne says, "It's not just your life anymore, Dad; it's mine, too. Don't screw it up for me." Because we've all seen how Subassdunne strives for a life of quiet simplicity, and so he's got every right to insist that his father behave himself. Subassdunne tosses the key for the handcuffs through a porthole and leaves. Papa Valmont says, "This sucks." I must agree. Subassdunne sits on a bench, chatting with his father's ex-girlfriend. The girl complains about how Papa Valmont lied to her. Subassdunne calls his father "a master of deceit." For saying, "I'm not married," when, actually, he was. That sure is clever trickery, all right. The girl asks why men are such jerks, and says that her life sucks. Subassdunne spews self-help claptrap at her. The girl kisses him to get him to shut up, and asks if he wants to come back to her place. Subassdunne has to prepare for an oral report. Predictable un-nuendo follows. Subassdunne leaves.