Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Vile Things
By Strega | Season 4 | Episode 25 | Aired on 01.20.2001
The next morning, Kathryn tries to bond with the maid. The maid talks about how she escaped from Cambodia and came to the U.S. on a tiny boat. Kathryn is reminded of the time she almost had to take a seat in coach. And now, prepare yourself for the funniest line in the movie. It made one side of my mouth twitch slightly, that's how funny it is. Kathryn perkily says, "Your family fled from the Khmer Rouge? Nothing subtle about that shade of rouge!" Yup, that's it. With the cultural exchange completed, the maid leaves. It's at this point that I theorize how this movie was written. You know how there's a game where one person writes a sentence for a story, and the next person reads it, adds another sentence, then folds the paper over to cover the first sentence. The third person reads the second sentence, adds a third, and covers up the second sentence. So you get a story where the characters and situation change every line or two, because no one's read the entire thing. I think the script was written the same way. That's the only way I can understand how Kathryn goes from spoiled to clever to ditzy to calculating from one scene to the next. Kathryn and two Machiavellettes stride down the hall at school, chanting, "Move, move, move," to get everyone out of their way. That sure goes with the angelic image that Kathryn supposedly cultivates. Then they run into Mr. Nagao, their new Japanese cook. Because, remember, way back at the Tribunal meeting, they wanted sushi in the cafeteria. Kathryn tells one of her sidekicks that the old cook was fired when someone found a dead rat in their lunch. That clinches it: Kathryn is an evil mastermind. A Machiavellette asks if Kathryn has finished plotting against Cherie yet. Kathryn says that Cherie is "on her way to ruin." Naturally, that's when Cherie appears upstairs and hollers over the gallery railing. Crowds of students listen as Cherie announces that Kathryn and her mother are invited to Cherie's house for nonfat lattes, and then Kathryn can spend the night at Cherie's and listen to the new Hanson album. The Machiavellettes snicker at Kathryn. Danielle pops up next to a gloomy Subassdunne and says that it's her turn to explain. She claims to have been embarrassed because Subassdunne's "used to girls with all this experience" and she didn't want to admit that he's the first boy she's kissed. Subassdunne says this is wonderful news, but doesn't really explain why. Maybe he thinks it's wonderful that she believes other girls would have sex with him. They suck face, and then the bell rings and Danielle starts to leave. Subassdunne says, "Just...back away. So I know you're not running away." Does that seem creepy to anyone else? Danielle backs away obediently. As soon as she's gone, Kathryn appears, doing The Villainous Clap Of Sarcasm at Subassdunne's accomplishment. She says that he "must feel like a dope, leading on that poor, lovesick girl." Why would he feel like a dope about that? Especially when there are so many other reasons for him to feel like a dope. Kathryn predicts that "a few weeks of hand-holding and chaste smooching, and [he'll] be so bored and horny [he'll] mess the whole thing up." Kathryn says she could "wipe [Danielle] off the map tomorrow" but she'll just let the romance die on its own. Subassdunne, naturally, takes this clear statement of Kathryn's intent to do nothing as a threat, and shoves her up against the wall, which is entirely inappropriate. He says, "Do anything to screw it up, and I'll screw you up!" That just might be the lamest threat in the history of cinema. Kathryn quotes Bugs Bunny: "You do realize this means war?" Subassdunne says, "Then war it is." Subassdunne proves he's ready for battle by pushing Kathryn into a big mud puddle. So in the original book, there's a cunning battle of wits in which various other characters are manipulated as part of a grand strategy. Which, for this movie, has been re-interpreted as a shoving match. Genius.