Episode Report Card Omar G: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Sex, Lies, And Security Video
By Omar G | Season 4 | Episode 9 | Aired on 11.16.2004
The club music increases in volume as we cross-fade to an overhead shot of Metropolis at night. This sure beats recapping farm cows every week, let me tell ya.
Another cross-fade and we're looking down into an elevator, where Lex and Mystery Red are totally gettin' down. Somewhere, Michael Douglas is watching this going, "I used to do that in movies; like, thirty years ago!" And Catherine Zeta-Jones-Coulda-Been-Gallaga is thinking, "Die, die, die, die, die, die, die," but saying, "What was that dear? Oh, yes, those films were lovely. Have some more arseni-- er....soup, dear. Soup. That's what I meant." Kissing. Lex pushes a button for the top floor, the fortieth. Lots more cross-fading. Lex is kissing the neck. Lots of neck kissing. If you're a fan of the neck kissing, this episode is just for you. The song says, "I want more." More gay club music! Haaaaay! The Security Cam View shows the woman taking Lex and pushing him by the lapels to the opposite elevator wall. This is the slowest elevator ever. They've got Mongolians in the basement pulling it by hand or something. Lex is kissing ear. Then more neck. This is hot, y'all. And it's not just me.
Cross-fade to a very expensive-looking hotel room. Mystery Red pulls Lex by the hand to a waiting bed. Lex spins her around, and there's fierce kissing. Tongues wag. We cut to a silhouette view, and Red pushes Lex to sit on the bed. She takes off her dress as Lex sits and watches. This is totally fine to broadcast as long as it's not in a locker room and Lex isn't black.
More soft cutting, this time to the two of them in bed. They're totally doing it! Oh my God! Somebody finally got laid on this show! And not like in 1961 or some bullshit. Real, honest-to-God nookie! Take that, ABC Family Channel! The camera pulls up as Mystery Red (now Mystery Naked) is totally mounting Lex. She's planted like a reverse pole vault. The song hits the "wipe sweat, take a sip of your Appletini" lull. We pan over to a bottle of champagne and two glasses. The Metropolis skyline is framed nicely in the background.
Dudes, that was hot! But you know what's even better than drunken one-night-stand sex? Morning-after "She still looks hot! Whoa!" sex. The night turns to day as we continue staring at champagne glasses. The camera pans back toward the bed. Oh yeah! Time to wake up and smell the nookie! We pan past the red dress and other clothes on the floor. I can't really tell from this shot if Lex is a boxers or briefs man. In fact, it looks like he doesn't wear any undies at all. Hot! We pan some more up to Lex sleeping naked on his side. "Housekeeping!" we hear from outside. A Latina maid enters the room (sure, of course she's Latina, Smallville) and looks at the bed. She screams and runs off. Lex wakes up, all, "Huh? Wha?" He turns, and sees that there's a bloody body next to him. The sheets are covered in the stuff. Lex looks at his own hands. There's blood on them, but not too heavy. The woman's hands are tied to the headboard, but you really have to look to notice that. The camera doesn't linger on this fact, even though we do get a close-up of the bloody face. Guess no morning nookie, then.