Episode Report Card Couch Baron: A+ | 3 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT We're Off To See The Wizard
By Couch Baron | Season 1 | Episode 1 | Aired on 07.11.1997
Cut to Beecher packing up his stuff. Adebisi smilingly starts to get in his face, but Schillinger opens the pod door and tells him to back off. The smile fades as Adebisi sidles forward and menaces, "Make me back off." Just when it's getting good, however, Diane enters. Man, Diane, I really like you, but I have to give you a minus there. Adebisi blows Beecher a kiss. Hee. I can't imagine what this show would have been like without Adebisi. As they enter the new pod, Schillinger declares, "I'm on top." You said a mouthful, Vern. Hee. "Mouthful." I don't believe Schillinger is still wearing his "armor," which just illustrates the effort he put into luring Beecher into his parlor. Schillinger asks if he's a "Jew," to which the answer is obviously negative, and then models his tattoos for Beecher and says they have to get him one. Beecher declines, but Schillinger, now on his bunk, replies, "Oh, yeah. I'm gonna brand you myself." Out of the frying pan, into the fire. Butt first. Beecher emotionlessly says that livestock get branded, and Schillinger agrees that that's what Beecher is. "Now, Tobias, your ass belongs to me." He caresses Beecher's face. Hee.
Night. Hill blathers about penises. This is a classic example of "show, don't tell." We pan over to the Pod Of Pain, where Beecher is wincing and shaking as Schillinger brands a swastika on his ass. I'd advise you not to turn the other cheek, Beecher. He's got a pretty perky ass for a white-collar type, though. Vern hums to himself as he idly carries on. Hee.
Morning. Schillinger calls Beecher to breakfast, but Beecher refuses. Diane immediately calls our first shakedown. Someone gets busted for having drugs in his toilet. Ortolani taunts him. Heh. Glynn and McManus pedeconference about the drug problem. McManus is wearing an even worse version of the outfit he had the other day. Try buying your blazers somewhere other than the 99-cent store, dickhead. McManus candy-asses that they need to fight the addiction, but Glynn -- rightly, in my mind -- suggests they fight the traffic with a weeklong lockdown. McManus whines that they're punishing everybody, guilty or not. This just in: IT'S A FUCKING PRISON. Glynn notes that McManus isn't coming up with anything better. I think they're trying to make Glynn look good here by only putting him in scenes with McManus. And let me tell you, it's working.
Board room. Healy: "Fucking McManus is out of fucking control." Healy, are you me? He goes on that McManus is thinking of instituting a "quiet time," an hour a day where the prisoners have to sit and be quiet. McManus, apparently late, and also wearing a completely different (and much more fashionable -- not that that was very difficult) outfit, comes in and defends the idea, saying it'll be good for them when they're on the outside and have jobs where they have to sit and be quiet. I want whatever some of McManus is on, but since I'm clean, I'll point out that for the tiny percentage of inmates that make it to the outside, a fraction of those are going to get any sort of desk job, and I'm willing to bet that for those precious few that do, this "quiet time" would be an impediment rather than a help, as it would cut into the time they need to, say, learn a marketable skill. Ass-faced pile of manure. Healy: "What kind of fairy dust you been snorting? These stupid fucks aren't gonna go work for fucking Microsoft! It's bullshit!" Healy, you are the wind beneath my wings. Although it's possible a bunch of cons would go work for AOL Time Warner. Hey, I gotta toss a shout-out my predecessor's way. McManus blathers on a bit more until Glynn cuts in, "If everybody's done making speeches I'm moving on." They need him over on Buffy. He brings up the no-smoking rule, on which McManus calls bullshit, and every cell in my body cries out in agony as I'm forced to agree with him, not from a prisoners' rights standpoint, but from the view that it's going to be impossible to enforce. Glynn says these regulations come from the governor. McManus opines that the governor is an asshole, and I'd offer a lame "it takes on to know one"-type comment here, but the fact is that I agree with him again, of course. The pain is so intense that I think I understand what Beecher went through earlier. McManus: "He campaigned on the 'No Perks For Prisoners' platform. He's gonna reinstate the death penalty. He's gonna slash our budget. He's gonna incite a riot." Stop the foreshadowing, I want to get off! Glynn mentions Marlboros, and I know Aaron was chagrined at the amount of product placement in the final season, but two mentions of the same brand in the same episode makes me wonder a little bit if it was there all along. Something to watch out for. Next item: Kareem Said. Blew up a white-owned warehouse, considers himself a political prisoner, blah blah blah exposition-cakes. Glynn goes on that until his appeals are finished, Said is to be treated with kid gloves. "After that, we can bury him in Gen Pop." Nothing could go wrong with that plan.