Episode Report Card Couch Baron: A+ | 3 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT We're Off To See The Wizard
By Couch Baron | Season 1 | Episode 1 | Aired on 07.11.1997
As the newbies and their sponsors march through one of those dark hallways that so often end up unguarded, we see "9 AM" flash in the lower left-hand corner. Beecher looks too long at a random inmate, prompting Ortolani to push him to the ground. Beecher gathers up his stuff and then stares into Em City. The camera pans back to show the entire interior. As Hill talks about the lack of privacy, Beecher looks around to see a lot of people staring at him. Remember when the monologues were relevant? Although all the murders and rapes sort of take some of the air out of Hill's statement. As Hill goes on that McManus believes he can save everyone, we see the queue for the phone. Inside, an obviously very light-in-the-loafers Billie Keane checks out Ortolani, who's leaning with his back against the glass. As Ortolani smokes, Beecher nervously approaches and greets him by his given name. A cigarette-smoking Ortolani surprisingly doesn't take offense at that, but informs Beecher that he's not going to be fulfilling his sponsor duties any time soon. Beecher gives the dorky smile again and starts to walk away, but Ortolani, seemingly overwhelmed by Beecher's sheer patheticness, calls him back and offers some advice: Get a weapon, and if anyone fucks with you, take him out. Beecher, skipping along the fertile banks of denial, asks if there's anything else. Ortolani: "Yeah. Don't smile. Ever." There's a big plus to Ortolani. Ortolani makes me especially glad that I thought of this point system, because although, at least in the first part of the episode, he's a complete homophobe, I like the character. We'll see if he scores enough points to justify that sentiment. Anyway, one of the phones is free. Ortolani goes to use it, and yells at Keane Light for checking him out. Outside, Markstram, accompanied by Keane, hassles Beecher for his phone card number, which Beecher dopily admits to having. For a lawyer, Beecher isn't the quickest study, is he? Ortolani tells his wife he misses her as he observes Markstram telling Beecher to get out of the line. Ortolani asks to talk to the kids. Aw, a family man!
11 AM. A short-afro-sporting Poet gives his first recitation (35,647 to go). I'm not going to deconstruct it, but it does mention cigarettes a lot, which, given Glynn's imminent speech, can't really be called foreshadowing. I think we'll just call it "shadowing" and leave it at that. At the end, Poet impassionedly asks for the cigarettes, but then says they're Marlboros, which he doesn't smoke. Everyone laughs. Next to me, Irony lights up a Marlboro and snickers. We move to the Wise Guys, where Ortolani tells Schibetta he's got some good veal coming in. Given Ortolani's homophobia, I assume he's referring to actual baby cows here. Schibetta's all, "Bene." Ever notice how movie and TV characters always say one-word answers in the character's native language for "authenticity"? Just once, I'd love to see them say "yes" and "good" in English, while reverting to their native languages for the complex stuff. It would be more logical, don't you think? Anyway, Beecher tentatively asks Ortolani if he can sit with him, and gets a predictable negative. He's as unfazed as a golden retriever who's just gotten hit in the head with a two-by-four. His next choice is Rebadow, who's much more welcoming. That is, until he tells Beecher that Genevieve, his wife, is thinking of divorcing him, and is in fact having lunch with his old law partner to discuss it. Beecher asks how Rebadow knows his wife's name. Rebadow looks up with enough force to get whiplash, and says, "God told me." One down...oh, forget it. Glynn, at the podium, announces that at the end of the month, smoking will be prohibited in Oz, as mandated by new state health guidelines. Way to spring it on them, Glynn. Even Mayor Bloomberg gave us more time than that. And, lest I get into a Sars-like rant on that subject, let's just move along, shall we? Anyway, Glynn wisely gets off the stage before the tomatoes start flying. Chaos ensues. Ortolani starts punching some random guy for no reason that I can see other than to set up his whole downward spiral plotline. Beecher looks around panickedly. I have the worst eyes in the world, so I hate to say this, but -- lose the fucking glasses, Beecher.