Episode Report Card Gustave: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The rekapture of Kiefer
By Gustave | Season 1 | Episode 21 | Aired on 04.22.2002
The time is 8:14:46 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Spawn's behind bars, the CTU back-up helicopters encircle the Lou Diamond Kave, and everyone's partying with the Palmers. Meanwhile, in the ex-Kiefer Kube, Mason is trying to get Chappelle on the phone. He leaves an urgent message with one of his aides. While he's about to explain that one of his men is stranded in a secret DoD facility, said man's wife, i.e. Bride of Kiefer, waltzes into his office like she's a bored teenager hanging out at CTU because of Take Your Daughter To Work Day. Mason does a good glad-handling. Bride wants to know where Spawn is. Mason assures her that her daughter is safe. He doesn't have the Sutherland velvet, but he sure is convincing. Nina kalls from downstairs, asking a question about the "back-up unit" heading for Saugus. Bride hears the speakerphone conversation and wants to know if what they're talking about involves Kiefer. Xander smoothly gets a CTU worker to "baby-sit" Bride.
The Palmer people are still partying on. And it's one of those parties you only see in Cyndi Lauper videos or cruise ship advertisements where every last person is having a ball. Even Palmer is out there mingling. All of a sudden, he remembers something. "Where's Patty?" he asks PoorMan'sHumeCronyn. Yeah, that's what we'd like to know, since the previews for tonight's show have Patty putting the moves on Palmer…oh, wait, I'm getting ahead of myself here. But seriously, since when does anyone care where PerkyPatty is? She was gone for two whole episodes, replaced by a white woman even, and no one noticed. Now Palmer needs her. I mean, anyone watching the previews knows why he needs her, but let's pretend to be uninformed, shall we? PMHC tells Palmer that Patty is "finishing up a speech." Bamp bamp chicka pow pow. Palmer enters the room where Patty is "finishing up a speech" and asks her how she's doing. He leans over her and looks at the screen. Patty is visibly shaken over his proximity to her. "I've made the changes you wanted," she says nervously. Whoa! Patty is doing her job. That's so sexy and inappropriate. They talk about the day's victory and how Palmer's "family" must be so happy. Palmer is tired. It's been a long day. Patty is concerned. She presses her lips together as if she's trying not to think about that blowjob she wants to give him. He suggests some more changes and gets up to leave the room. But wait. Patty wants to say something. "I just wanted to tell you how much I admire you," she says. "I don't see many people who stand by their principles the way you do and I truly believe our country would be a better place with you leading it." Notice how she didn't say that our country would be "more exciting" with Palmer leading it? Nevertheless, Palmer gets the subtext and confesses to feeling "flustered." He thanks her for the "wonderful unexpected compliment" and exits. Aw! Patty! Who knew? Well, I did when I saw last week's preview, but still: Aw! Patty!
Back at the Lou Diamond Phillips Kave, the CTU Kopters have arrived. A pilot reports back to Mason by telephone that the door looks blown in and therefore "the hostiles are inside." They're preparing to go in. Meanwhile, inside, Kiefer and the Lou Diamond Phillips Minions are trying to find their way around with flashlights. All of a sudden, the LeafyTerrorMinions enter and there's a standoff. FATB has a gun trained on Special Guest Agent La Bamba. Kiefer has a gun trained on Dennis Hopper. Special Guest Agent La Bamba begs Kiefer not to give in, but Kiefer lets Dennis Hopper go in the hopes of saving his new boyfriend. Kiefer drops his gun and puts his hands up, and FATB shoots Special Agent La Bamba. Aw! I thought we'd be seeing more of him. TerrorPapa and FATB have a touching reunion. They do that European cheek kiss and everything. Dennis Hopper asks after Alexis. FATB says something in Serbian -- presumably, "Kiefer killed him." Dennis Hopper holds a gun to Kiefer's head, but before he kan avenge his hot son's death, a LeafyTerrorMinion reports that some CTU men are coming. "Collapse the corridor immediately," says Dennis Hopper.