Episode Report Card Gustave: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The rekapture of Kiefer
By Gustave | Season 1 | Episode 21 | Aired on 04.22.2002
Stephen Hopkins: Uh, Mr. Hopper?
Dennis Hopper: What do you want?
Stephen Hopkins: Well, I was just thinking that, uh, since your character is supposed to be Eastern European and all, you might like to speak with a Serbian accent or something.
Dennis Hopper: Oh, sorry dude, Veronica Hamel and I were doing this miso candy advertisement in Japan last week and there was this crazy party afterwards and I didn't have anytime to prepare. How's this: "Collapse ze corridor immeeediateley!"
Stephen Hopkins: Uh, I guess that will do.
Anyway, Dennis Hopper decides to spare the Kiefer, because they might need him later as a "bargaining cheep." The LeafyTerrorMinions blow up the hallway behind them. "That was a mistake. Now you're trapped," says Kiefer. "Vee shall see!" says Dennis.
Hey, let's say you're in an all-female prison holding cell and you don't have a harmonica handy. How do you pass the time? Duh! By having a mini-gang war over a joint. One of Spawn's cellmates starts to attack another cellmate for "holding out on her." And she looks really tough. I think she even bought her faux-vintage tank top at Canal Jean. And the girl she's attacking is wearing a bikini top. Anyway, soon everyone gets into the action -- including some blonde girls wearing Pinky Tuscadero-style navel-baring blouses. Everyone, that is, except for Spawn and Skank. Finally Bikini Girl is held down, and Vintage Tank Girl retrieves a joint from this girl's thong panties. Yeah, good thing she was wearing her good underwear. So after the mini gang war subsides, Skank walks over to Spawn and says, "Maybe after this is all over, I'll mess you up." Oh, Skank -- get a life already. They have a meaningless argument over Spawn's non-involvement with the drug deal and Rick. Skank refers to Rick as a "loser." Spawn takes offense at this. Skank points out the ludicrousness of the fact that Rick kidnapped Spawn and almost got her killed and she's still defending him. Go Skank! But then it all deteriorates into a rinse and repeat version of the Po Ho monologue where Spawn is accused of being a rich spoiled bitch who gets everything she wants. "You don't know anything about me," says Spawn, getting feisty all of a sudden. She recites a litany of the troubles she's seen since midnight and tells Skank to "bring it on." No, she actually used the words "bring it on." Sacrilege! The cell gets quiet as all the Pat Benatar back-up dancers get an earful of Spawn threatening to klean Skank's klock. A matronly black prison guard makes a thwonking sound with her nightstick against the bars to break it up. Skank backs down. The time is 8:24:17 PM..