Episode Report Card Gustave: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Lunchtime
By Gustave | Season 1 | Episode 13 | Aired on 02.25.2002
AsianTerrorMinion enters. The Kieferettes hide. He looks around. Bride is ready for him with her gun cocked. Heh! I said "cocked"! He doesn't discover their hiding place, and Bride doesn't have to use her gun. Meanwhile, Spawn has this look on her face like she's all, "Mom! If you use that gun on AsianTerrorMinion in front of all my friends, I am going to be totally embarrassed!" AsianTerrorMinion leaves, and it's time for another of Bride's mysterious stomach pains. Oh wait, ATM didn't leave. He's right there with his gun drawn. But Kiefer is there too. He shoots ATM. The KieferKlan reunites and takes ATM's walkie-talkie. Gaines asks via his walkie-talkie for an explanation for the gunfire. "Where's Rick?" whines Spawn. The time is 12:24:48 PM.
The time is 12:29:11 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Spawn's been around the TerrorKompound and she she she she…she can't find her baby, Alberta can't find anything to do in the KieferKube now that she doesn't have to stare at Nina anymore through the vertical blinds, and Gaines and FauxYork can't find the KieferKlan. In yet another exquisitely decorated room at CTU, La Madre de la Jalapeno, her Marlo Thomas pageboy flecked with gray streaks, packs up Jalapeno's things, which include a lot of pictures of El Jalapeniño. Uh, was this Jalapeno's office? Or is this a special CTU room where they store the office crap of CTU agents who die on the job? The Broom Closet twins enter the room. Hey, it's an episode of Six Feet Under with Soul Patch as Nate, the handsome yet searching heir to a funeral home, and Nina as Rachel, his borderline massage therapist girlfriend who work together through their own intimacy issues in order to combine forces and heal grief-stricken Los Angelenos everywhere, whether they ask them to or not. "How can a woman bleed to death and no one does anything about it?" asks Mamacita Jalapeno. Was that some rejected line from Bob Dylan's "Blowing in the Wind"? Soul Patch is right there with the closure. "Your daughter was a traitor," he says. Isn't it always the case that people just love to glorify the actions of the recently deceased? I mean, we all know that Jalapeno was a pawn, but in death she became a traitor! Strangely, this ain't making Mama J any happier about her daughter's suicide. Nor is she soothed any further by Soul Patch's reassurances that El Jalapeniño will not be placed in a foster home should Mama J find it in her heart to answer some questions. Nina asks her where she got her hands on $300,000. Mama J answers that the money was from Jalapeno. She wanted her to have it in case anything happened to her. Good thinking, Jalapeno! I'm sure that if the CIA figured out you'd compromised the agency, they'd never think to follow the money back to your mother's checking account or anything. Like, seriously? It would have been way smarter to get paid in cash and hide it all inside of a stuffed animal. Again I ask, doesn't anyone read legal thrillers anymore? Mama J doesn't know where the money came from. Soul Patch is all, "You never asked?"