Episode Report Card Gustave: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Lunchtime
By Gustave | Season 1 | Episode 13 | Aired on 02.25.2002
The time is 12:41:06 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Gaines aims his rifle at Stupid Spawn, the Broom Closet Twins study the monitor of an iBook, and the Kieferettes hide behind the bulletproof shelter of a shrub. Kiefer doubles back around and tries to sneak up on Gaines and FauxYork. They see him coming, shoot at him, and Gaines concludes that he is only trying to "draw us away from the womenfolk." "Fine by me," says FauxYork. "Once he's dead, they'll be easy." Hee! He said "easy"! Gaines orders FauxYork to circle around to get a "clear shot." Gaines keeps shooting at Kiefer. Kiefer finds an abandoned stainless steel napkin dispenser and buffs it with his jacket so he can do the ole "blinding flash" trick and force Gaines to get disoriented. And it's a good thing that Kiefer stole that radio, 'cause now Kiefer and Gaines can have that villain/hero dialogue that always precedes the climax of any good spy thriller. Meanwhile, choppers can be heard in the distance. FauxYork sees one above him. What is it about the sight of a chopper on TV that automatically makes the M*A*S*H theme go through my head? And then I get depressed, because M*A*S*H was one of those shows that my lefty parents always wanted me to watch because it was sort of about Vietnam, plus Alan Alda was such a feminist. It was, for me at least, the green vegetable of TV. And it was always broadcast on Sundays, so I associate it with the fact that I'm going to have to go to bed soon and wake up for school the next day. Kiefer tilts the napkin dispenser. Gaines gets disoriented. Kiefer shoots him in the arm and runs to a more advantageous spot in the woods.
The time is 12:43:56 PM. Palmer walking down the halls of this building that has cream-on-cream patterned textured walls just like the W Hotel. He's flanked by PMHC and several Secret Service agents. Oh, it's the D.A.'s office. I should have known. The D.A. is in a meeting, so they have to wait. Meanwhile, Palmer notices the presence of Kreepy Karl sitting in an ugly comfy chair from Seaman's Furniture at the other end of the hall. Palmer excuses himself and walks over to tell Kreepy Karl that he's meeting with the D.A. in a few minutes to discuss the Ferragamo murder, and "it's over" for Kreepy Karl. And so you just know that Palmer announcing his meeting with the D.A. to Kreepy Karl can only mean that Palmer is really really going to do just what he says he's going to and go talk to the D.A. in a matter of minutes. Plus it's always wise to give your nemeses a heads up…in Oppositeland. Karl launches into another "greed is good" and "power is attained through necessary evil" speeches. He also makes this long-winded metaphor about how the political process is this big machine and he's the "oil" that keeps the motor running. "Oil"? Don't you mean "lube"? Oh, try and tell me you weren't thinking that too! And is this "oil" you speak of mango-flavored and fortified with nonoxynol-9? Just wondering. "What did you do to BadTherapist?" asks Palmer. "Every engine produces waste," says Kreepy Karl, coyly batting his eyelashes and checking out Palmer's package. "It's the physics of the situation." Palmer argues that no jury would convict his son anyway. But Kreepy Karl isn't talking about the dead rapist. "If someone should mention the word arson…" says Kreepy Karl, shrugging his shoulders. This stops Palmer cold. I'm thinking that Theo likes to play with matches. Palmer grabs Kreepy by the collar and shoves him up against the wall…which Kreepy doesn't exactly seem to mind. "The people we both work for have ways of getting what they want," says Kreepy, adjusting his suit and exiting cheerfully. PMHC enters and tells Palmer that the D.A. is ready. Palmer decides not to say anything to him. "I'm running for president," he says, walking away. "And I'm going to win." PMHC proceeds to give the camera the hammiest, most self-serving expression of concern I have ever seen on network television. He even strokes his non-existent beard. The time is 12:47:22 PM.