Episode Report Card Gustave: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Lunchtime
By Gustave | Season 1 | Episode 13 | Aired on 02.25.2002
Back in the TerrorForest, Gaines determines that ATM is the only TerrorMinion who hasn't checked in with Gaines since the shooting. Meanwhile, on another "screen," the KieferKlan is trying to find their way back to the TerrorWaterTower.
Palmer pounds on Reporter Maureen's hotel room door. On another screen, we can see Maureen either a) packing her things or b) practicing the folding techniques she just learned in a training program for Gap salespeople. She reluctantly lets Palmer in. Palmer begins to tell her about the ScorchedPsychiatrist. Maureen already knows. She's "left the network," and that's why she's packing -- although she has literally folded and unfolded the same peach blouse three times in the course of this scene, leading me to believe that she really has gotten a job at the Gap. Oh, and behind her is this giant Pottery Barn-esque cobalt blue soup plate that is perched atop her dresser on a display stand as if it's an objet d'art. Maureen? It's a hotel room. No one is expecting you to have knick-knacks lying around, so stop trying to work the soup plate, 'kay? You're not fooling anyone. Oh, and another thing? Since Kreepy Karl is probably coming after you too, you might want to roll that damn blouse up and shove it in your bag already. Anyway, Maureen has been scared off the story. She's destroyed all her evidence. Palmer tries to convince her to change her mind by caressing her shoulder, but Maureen doesn't believe that he can protect her sufficiently. I can't believe that Dennis Haysbert told Rosie O'Donnell that Palmer had never slept with Maureen. But then, it's not like Rosie's been telling us about all the women she's slept with, either…yet.
Gaines and FauxYork find AsianTerrorMinion's body in the Frank Lloyd Wright shed. When they discover that his radio is missing, they get really pissed. "Kiefer's been listening to every damn word!" says Gaines, the phlegm in this throat as thick and creamy as a steaming plate of wild mushroom risotto. They stomp out of there in search of The Velvety Voiced One and his directionally challenged family.
Back at CTU, the Broom Closet twins --who are eating lunch at El Desk del Soul Patch -- have one of those WhateverProfiles up of La Madre de la Jalapeno on a computer screen complete with head shot, fingerprints, and fave member of *NSYNC. There's a portion of the screen that contains her checking account transactions, which reveal a couple of wire transfers from an account in Belgrade. Hello? For the forty-seventh time since midnight, has anyone ever heard of the Cayman Islands or Switzerland? Hello? Also, what's with the fact that these wire transfers are the only two transactions listed from her account in the last two months -- does this woman simply not have bills to pay? Oh, and since this information was available at your fingertips all along, why did you have to question her just now? They decide to trace these Belgrade wire transfers and crosscheck them against Kiefer's field information. Or at least that's what I thought they said. Their mouths were full while they were talking. Oh, and Mama J likes Lance.
The KieferKlan finally sees the TerrorWaterTower. It's off in the near distance, behind a semi-largish pond. Kiefer notes that the kopters should be there by now. He tries to call CTU again, but his cell phone signal is down. "What about Rick?" says Stupid Spawn. "Isn't he supposed to meet us here?" Hey Spawn, weren't you supposed to get shot in the face a couple of episodes ago? Kiefer explains that Rick is wounded and hiding in the water tower. He will come out when the kopters arrive. "What are we waiting for?" whines Spawn, running over to the TerrorWaterTower and getting almost nicked by sniper fire. It's official. She's got to be adopted. Kiefer goes off in search of the sniper. "Don't move for anything," he says, looking right at Spawn. And by "anything," I believe he is referring primarily to Rick's penis. The time is 12:36:47 PM.