Episode Report Card Jessica: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Rock Bottom
By Jessica | Season 6 | Episode 13 | Aired on 01.28.2003
Dive bar by the side of the road. Inside, a drunken Audrey mangles "Total Eclipse of the Heart." Good call, Joey: let the drunkard hang out in a strange bar all by herself. Audrey finally wraps it up, and everyone cheers. She stumbles past an already comatose Bob to fetch another beer. A mullet by the bar tells her she's "tasty." She mocks his hair. He doesn't get that she's making fun of it. Oh, God. Let's just move on! Yadda yadda yadda, she agrees to go outside and "check out his ride." I think he thinks that's a euphemism, but I'm pretty sure she's not on the same page.
Outside, Audrey takes one look at said ride, and then tries to go back into the bar. But the Mullet won't let her. He grabs her -- lightly, by the way. She could totally shake him off -- and tells her that he wants to "get naked" with her. His inappropriate overtures are not at all threatening, mostly because he looks like he's about to drop dead from consumption, but also because he's not really being all that threatening. This scene isn't scary at all. I was more concerned about Joey's fate at the hands of the Bantering Bandit. Finally, Audrey kicks this guy in the balls and proceeds to beat the shit out of him. Audrey, he weighs ninety-five pounds. Pick on someone your own size. (Please note: that was not a fat joke. I think Busy Philipps looks fab. The guy was just scrawny. PSA officially over). Eventually, Oliver and Joey, coming out of a small diner, see her and race over. Oliver drags Audrey off the Mullet, then Joey embraces her. Joey looks worse in every single shot. In this one, she literally has crow's feet. How can Katie Holmes look so wretched? I saw her at Bloomingdale's about a year ago, and she's very pretty in person! She had no crow's feet! What has this cast done to the make-up and costume people to make them take such a harsh revenge? Audrey sobs that she thinks she's finally ready for rehab.
Back to Boston. Grams and Uncle Bill get out of the car and decide, quite cozily, to take a walk. Yeah, like that's going to last. Five bucks says we never see Uncle Bill again. Blandy and Jen -- who are dressed like extras from Dead Poets Society for some reason, all crewneck sweaters and circle skirts -- shake their respective heads. Blandy calls Jen "a genius," saying that his uncle hasn't had that much fun in years. Jen shrugs that she wishes she were as good with her own love life. "You don't do that bad," Blandy tells her softly. "The last boy I liked slept with my friend," she says pointedly. Jen! GET OVER IT! He wasn't cheating on you! God! Blandy tells her that if he knew her then the way he knows her now, he never would have slept with Audrey. Because now he can't bear the thought of hurting someone "so amazing." And he goes in to kiss her, but she turns away. "All right, I deserve that," he says sadly. Jen turns back and smiles at him. "Just kidding," she says, and reaches up and kisses him. Aw. She has to get way up on her tippy toes to reach his lips. It's cute. Because, as noted, I am a total sap today.
The set of God, When Will They Officially Cancel This Show? It's a wrap! Cue the handshakes and applause, as Dawson has won over the entire crew with his youthful enthusiasm and well-crafted mini-toupee. Natasha comes over to his little director's chair and starts giving him a back rub. He apologizes for yelling. Natasha grins that he sort of turned her on, and asks if he'd like to get a drink with her. He smiles lasciviously. Oh, God. Whatever. Also: Ew.