Episode Report Card Demian: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT You Lost Me
By Demian | Season 4 | Episode 12 | Aired on 01.30.2002
I've noticed something. There seems to be more time set aside for commercials in this episode than in previous weeks. You think they recognized the Bewitched subplot for the bullshit it is and hacked most of it out at the last minute? If so, I shudder to imagine what those excised scenes involved. Maybe the whole thing started out as a mockery of Carol Brady, but some ass of a suit at the WB decided it would be more suitable to appropriate Bewitched. Wouldn't surprise me at all, given the network's habit of stepping in to ruin shows like Popular and Grosse Pointe. If this is indeed what happened, I'll cut Nell Scovell some slack for the script. Hell, I'll even toss a little sympathy Alyssa's way.
Academy driveway, aftermath. Piper flings her hands out a couple of times, attempting to blast through the gates. The gates simply absorb the blows and disperse them across the force field. The Dolt hustles his orbing ass back to the Manor.
Manor attic. Cole and Raige look on as Phoebe flashes black and white while perched daintily on a wingback chair. She's knitting. She's also wearing a plaid woolen knee-length skirt, a lilac sweater set, and pearls. Eventually, she settles into black and white for good. The knitting yarn remains yellow. It's like Pleasantville. Except for the part where it's totally not like Pleasantville at all. Alyssa Milano is not and never will be Joan Allen, and this script doesn't even enter the same star system as the movie's as far as the themes of personal awareness trumping blithe ignorance and vibrant individual expression swamping bland enforced conformity are concerned. So, um, shut up, special effects. The Dolt orbs in, and subplot-related mayhem ensues. Raige eventually realizes that the ring must be affecting Phoebe's behavior and skin tone, and summons it from Phoebe's finger into her own palm. As Phoebe flashes into color and collapses back into her chair, Raige reads the ring's inscription: "To gain another is to lose yourself." Cole and the Dolt take this to mean that Grams cursed the ring. The wherefores of this are not theirs to ponder at the moment, as the Dolt has to drag Raige and Phoebe back to the Academy right away. Phoebe's a bit woozy, but with the aid of a short pep-talk from Cole, she pulls herself together for the trip.
Ludland Academy For Adolescent Material Boys And The Middle-Aged Men Who Love Them, brought to you by NAMBLA. Damn. Did I take it too far this time? Sorry. Phoebe, Raige, and the Dolt orb in to find Piper still trying to blast through the gate. Phoebe wings a quickie spell to tear down the demonic force field. Said spell reads, to wit[less], "Door unlock, no magic block." The force field flares. Piper approaches, only to be magically rebuffed once more. Raige and Phoebe suggest returning to the Manor to search for something more effective in the Book of Shadows. Piper agrees, until she hears Tywer moaning in terror from inside. He actually wails, "No! Please don't hurt me." The context into which I've so cavalierly placed the Academy and its headmaster makes that line particularly revolting. Stay away from the bad touch, Tywer! Piper quickly rethinks the trip back to the Manor and orders the others to step back. She flings out her hands three times, the impact against the gates increasing with each toss. Upon the final one, the gates blow open. "I think [we] just saw a mother lift a car off her child," Raige whispers to Phoebe as they follow Piper up the drive.