Episode Report Card Demian: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT You Lost Me
By Demian | Season 4 | Episode 12 | Aired on 01.30.2002
ANYWAY. Cole tells Phoebe not to worry her vapid little head about such matters. For one thing, the societal expectations surrounding marriage were vastly different half a century ago, and for another, he and Phoebe are not a "typical" couple. "I proposed to you under a hail of demon goo," he reminds her, "and you accepted while I was bleeding to death." Actually, she accepted after the Dolt healed you, but after the rant above, I don't feel like quibbling. Cole rises to his feet and draws a ring from his pants pocket, wondering if they can try the whole proposal thing again. Phoebe takes one look at the ring and beams. "Grams's ring? Where did you get that?" Cole reveals that Piper slid it his way when he told her of his plans. Phoebe doesn't think it's such a good idea to accept this particular ring. According to her, Grams was married with it "six times." "Well, she must have liked something about it," Cole counters, "or she would have stopped at three." Fine, I'll quibble: According to Grams herself, she stopped at four -- just like Elizabeth Montgomery. Do the people who write this not watch their own goddamned show? Cole drops to one knee and formally proposes. Phoebe formally accepts. He slides the ring onto her finger, and the two embrace. The camera pulls in close to the ring as it flares up whitish gold on Phoebe's finger. Aw. We love the radioactive isotopes.
Cut to a big barn of a Victorian elsewhere in the city. Up in the hall, Kevin Costner's hot dad from Field of Dreams and Nancy Gribble from King of the Hill knock on a bedroom door that's been slammed in their faces. Because referring to them as Hot Dad and Nancy is going to irritate me, especially because Hot Dad looks like he's been ridden hard and put away wet many, many times over the last fourteen years, I'll call them Andrew and Vicky McGee for reasons that should soon become obvious. "Tyler?" Vicky begins gently, addressing the bedroom's occupant. "We just want to talk." Cut to Tyler, pushing his weight against the door from inside. Tyler's about twelve, has hair like Adam Rich, and whines. Any one of those things alone would make me hate him. All three of them together? DetestFest 2002. Tyler whines an apology for some indeterminate infraction. The patient McGees assure him that they're not angry -- they just want him to open the door. Andy shoots an aside to Vicky to contact "Ludlow." Tyler shouts out, demanding to be told just who this "Ludlow" person is. Andy calls back that this Ludlow person runs that nice boarding school they were telling him about. Tyler throws a fit, screaming that he's not going to boarding school! And they can't make him! If this little twerp were mine, he'd have been shipped off as soon as he'd been potty-trained. All of the shouting is apparently too much for widdle Tywer's widdle bwain, for he presses his fingertips against his temples and wails. His sports-themed bedspread bursts into flames. Snicker. Vicky calls for him again and again through the door as Tywer gasps and pants and shudders and gapes and sends the contents of his bladder streaming into the opening credits.
Morning has broken upon Halliwell Manor. In the kitchen, Piper and the Dolt silently peruse separate sections of the newspaper. Raige enters with some standard I-don't-like-Mondays grumbling. Phoebe perkily hustles to her side, offering coffee. She pours out a mug with her engagement ring pushed up into Raige's face. With proper prodding from Piper, Raige makes appropriate cooing noises along the lines of "Nice ice." The conversation shifts to the reasons behind the latest fight Piper and the Dolt have been having. This one's about raising "magical children in a non-magical world." The Dolt wants to "bind" the powers of any potential issue of their joint loins, arguing that growing up is difficult enough without having the added burden of pyrokinesis and astral projection and demons and whatnot. Piper thinks the Dolt's being monstrous. Grams bound the Ps' powers when they were mere tots, and as a result, they lived most of their lives "ignorant about [their] destiny." "I look back on those normal days," Piper grits, "and I feel like I was a complete and total fraud!" Raige wisely shifts topics, asking where Cole is. Phoebe offers to fetch him and thanks Raige for landing him the job at THE BLACK HOLE. "Especially now that we're getting married," she adds oddly, "and he's gonna have to get used to bringing home the bacon." Raige wonders when Phoebe "started caring about bacon." The Dolt opines that he's certain "she meant all breakfast meats." Shut up, Dolt. Raige trails out to the hall as Piper and the Dolt snipe a bit more at each other.