Episode Report Card Demian: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT You Lost Me
By Demian | Season 4 | Episode 12 | Aired on 01.30.2002
Manor. Phoebe's in a bubble bath. Cole enters the bathroom with some incredulous anger. Phoebe should be working on a spell, shouldn't she? Sorry, Cole. All the thoughts just fly right out of Phoebe's head when she's having a relaxing soak. Right. Like there were any thoughts roosting in there in the first place. Cole yells, "You're a demon-fighting, ass-kicking witch who never lets her sisters down, so I want you to get out of that bathtub and show me what you're made of!" Phoebe stands, naked in the tub, and flashes black and white. Raige enters to kick it promo-style: "Oh my GOD! Full frontal Phoebe!" Indeed. Raige is evidently a stronger person than I, for she does not turn to stone at the sight. Cole and Raige knock their heads together and figure out that Phoebe's under some sort of spell that's turning her into a black-and-white hausfrau. Cole promises to help Phoebe snap out of it and tells Raige she'll have to compose a vanquish on her own. Raige pleads that she's never written a spell before in her life. I'll give her that one, because up until now she's only revised existing ones. Cole assures her she can do it, and sends her on her way.
Ludlow Academy For Adolescent Material Boys. One of the henchboys leads Piper, Tywer, and the Dolt up a winding staircase to a closed door, which he instructs the three to "walk through." After a bit of hesitation, they do just that, passing bodily through the wood into the Gothic-themed chamber beyond. Piper summons Ludlow, who appears in a column of twisting bolts of blue electricity. Hey, it's Leland Palmer! I heard Madeleine is moving back to Missoula, Montana. What are you gonna do about that, huh? Anyway, Ludland greets the trio from his chair and smirks at Tywer, "You've been giving us quite the runaround, haven't you, boy?" Tywer reluctantly mumbles, "Yes." Ludland prompts, "Yes, what?" "Yes, sir," is the lad's meek reply. Ludland smiles. "No one teaches manners any more." Word. Also, Ray Wise is too good for this show. Even so, if they had to hire him, why was it only for one episode? Morons. Anyway, Piper surreptitiously tries to freeze him. The freeze doesn't affect Ludland at all. "What are you doing?" he asks her mildly. "You're afraid I'll grab the boy and, uh, stiff you?" The ick factor just increased by about thirty. Ludland rises to his feet and assures them that they'll receive their bounty if Tywer is indeed a Firestarter. If he's not...well, then, they'll all die. Ludlow orders Tywer to prove he possesses the power in question. "Go ahead," Piper urges, with a sly raising of her eyebrows. "Give him all you've got." Tywer squints. Nothing happens. Ludland circles around his desk to berate him. Piper shouts, "He's just a kid! Lay off him!" Ludland howls, "Insolent! How dare you!" Madonna roars, "Quicker than a ray of light! Quicker than a ray of light! QUICKER THAN A RAY OF LI-HI-IIII-IIIIGHT!" Ludland bursts into flame for a moment, then shakes it off. "Excellent!" he murmurs, though he does not tent his fingers as he does so. Ludland then snaps his fingers and anesthetizes Tywer with a blast of white smoke from his index finger. Neat trick. Piper protests, but Ludland tells her to cram it. Their bounty awaits them outside, he tells them. Then, for no reason other than that the script dictates he must, he reveals that The Source intends to slaughter the dweeb and abscond with his pyrokinesis.
Ludland snaps his fingers again, flinging Piper and the Dolt backwards through the air, out of the room, out of the Academy, and all the way down the driveway past the gate. Ludland rules. A small gold chest rests almost entirely unnoticed by the bushes. I suppose it's the bounty booty, but no one ever explains it. Piper and the Dolt crash to the ground but quickly rise to their feet. Piper calls for the Dolt to orb into the Academy to rescue Tywer. The Dolt orbs out, the orb cloud smashes into an invisible barrier of demonic electrical energy protecting the gates, and the Dolt crashes to the ground once more. Piper warily steps forward into commercial.