Episode Report Card Potes: B- | 1 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Here Comes the Story of the Hurricane
By Potes | Season 5 | Episode 1 | Aired on 06.02.2013
Caroline and Jacqueline get together and talk for a second about the hurricane victims before getting to the real story: Antonia and Milania's playdate. You know, at this point I'd even be glad to get Danielle Staub back. Just something to make it less incestuous. Jacqueline feels the same way, saying that Gorga/Giudice drama rates on her priority list somewhere around bleaching her asshole. You know, I bet that's actually in the top 30th percentile. And... has Jacqueline had a little work done? She has at least one eye that looks reeeeeallll wonky. Caroline is starting to get a little wary about Melissa's role in all this feuding, and would like to talk to Joe Gorga alone. Because she hasn't learned the one key lesson that the universe is trying to impart to her, which is to MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS. God.
Teresa takes an extra-bratty Gia shopping. Gia is even more of a tyrant than Juicy, and only slightly less drunk. She also really wants to look like a hooker, not a cooker, in part because she likes a boy. Teresa hasn't had the birds and the bees talk yet, and doesn't plan to until Gia gets her "monthly bill." I'm sure when said talk happens, it will be full of completely accurate information. And then, you guessed it, there's a text about the playdate. You know, recapping this season of the show may actually kill me. On my tombstone, please just carve the word "ingredientses." Anyway, Melissa wants to take the girls to some sort of beadery (because even their real words aren't real words) and finally Gia lays down the law and grabs the phone to send this strongly worded response on Teresa's behalf: "Sure. Me and Milania will attend. May you please send me the address and time. Thank you. See you soon." This made me laugh for 100 minutes because there is nothing funnier than the syntax of an eleven year old who is trying to escape generational illiteracy. Teresa wants to hug Gia, but Gia is not having it. We do get some gratuitous photos of Teresa in the '80s, which means an angel just got its wings.
And then it's time to go to the beadery. Milania thinks this is lame even for a couple of six year olds, but Teresa tells her to just go with it. Melissa gets ready to leave and is taken aback by the news that Caroline wants to have coffee with just Joe, and reiterates the universe's message that none of this is actually Caroline's business. In Teresa's car, Milania wears a fur coat and complains about her nose hair. Juicy calls and makes a remark about them seeing Horsey Face, which I'm sure is something that Milania will never repeat. Antonia and Melissa then read from their various scripts for a while until we arrive at the beadery. Antonia and Milania hug, as do Melissa and Teresa. Teresa is legit happy to see Antonia, but is less excited about her mom. And then the Giudices give Milania her birthday iPod, which we can only hope someone smashes into the bead-covered sink before the day is over.