Episode Report Card Potes: B- | 1 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Here Comes the Story of the Hurricane
By Potes | Season 5 | Episode 1 | Aired on 06.02.2013
It turns out that Sandy might provide a bit of a boost for Juicy's business, though he'll likely manage to squander any fortune or goodwill he's able to find. Teresa tells us that their relationship is going well, despite how tough last year was on them. Oh, and then we get to relive the moment in Napa when Juicy made gross noises on the phone to his "longtime friend" and called Teresa a cunt. Good times, good times! I can never see that clip enough! Juicy and Teresa chat about how Joe Gorga never called them after the storm (which leads one to wonder if she called him), and Teresa reminds us that last year Joe texted that she was dead to him, and Melissa told her that she never wanted to see Teresa, and Teresa would never see her kids again. It's sad, says Teresa, who emphasizes that it was not her doing. Except for the parts that were. Man, do I wish they had just recast this whole show. Except for Rosie. We then hear from Joe Gorga, who says that Teresa hasn't bothered to call or text him. His heart is breaking, but he knows that, at the base of it, Teresa doesn't give a shit. And... credits.
Oh no, and the Housewives have new tag lines! Here they are:
Caroline: Love me or hate me, I always speak the truth.
Melissa: Sexy life, loyal wife. Take a page from my book. [Oh God, please don't tell me she's writing a book.]
Teresa: Haters are gonna hate, but I just love, love love.
Jacqueline: I faced my share of challenges, but I'm tougher than I look.
Kathy: If you can't take the heat, get out of my kitchen.
Juicy Joe: Hold up, here she comes, my bitch wife.
Rosie: RAWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRR.
After credits, we're at Teresa's home. Big surprise, there are screaming children. We get the first quotable Milania of the season: "You didn't have to slap me, you big jerk head." It's said while she's teetering around on Teresa's pink sparkly stilettos, which is of course perfect. The little one is running around in leopard stilettos and she faceplants, but totally doesn't even cry. That's the Gorga pluck and utter lack of shame at work! It turns out the Giudice ladies are helping all the poor Sandy victims who need glamorous and sparkly second-hand clothing and shoes. You guys, Teresa is such a fucking idiot. Honestly. Milania then goes on script as she asks when they're going to get to see Antonia again. So natural and spur of the moment! Milania claims, with prompting, to miss Antonia, and asks Teresa if she also misses her brother. And then Milania cannot remember that her uncle is called Tio Joe, or that she has a cousin called Gino. Teresa takes this all as a bad sign, but assuages her sadness by rubbing noses with Milania, which is actually really cute.