Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Like a Wire Inside
By Jacob Clifton | Season 5 | Episode 7 | Aired on 07.20.2009
"Because SUCCESS! TURNS! ME! ON!" and if it doesn't turn them on, they can take their five grand and get the hell out. "So what turns you on?" She asks, and they all -- except Celia, who is as allergic to the group-sing call-and-response BS as yours truly -- scream, "SUCCESS!" Then they all get their serious faces on, monitoring their nipples and/or ladies. "Dick," Celia cheers quietly to herself, and Raylene smiles wolfishly. "Dick ever buy you a Cartier Panther watch with double diamonds?" she asks, shaking her wrist in Celia's face. "Because if it did, then SUCK THAT DICK, GIRL!" Another thing my grandmother always used to say.
Raylene asks Celia if she's a "closer" or a "loser," and Celia's honest for a sec: "I've been a loser. But I want to be a closer." They all nod, and Raylene's grateful to her for playing along after making a problem of herself, but Celia's not done: she points out that she doesn't have the five thousand, so it doesn't matter, and Raylene asks if she's going to let "a little thing like that" stand in her way. Celia goes through about fifteen personalities like a Rolodex over the course of this sentence: "Well, ha... Hahah... No? No. No waaay."
Raylene jumps in the air like a lunatic: "NO WAY, COWGIRL!" She explains that they will be fronted the products if necessary, and asks if Celia is ready to ride: she is. Are her nipples hard? They are. "But I had reconstructive surgery because of a double-mastectomy, so they're always kind of like that." Trust Celia, who was recently a South American revolutionary, to even fuck up joining a cult. Raylene's like, "Um, okay. LET'S GET STARTED!"
Silas and Doug have yet another fight about him eating all the product, which ends eventually with a stoned Doug pulling money out of the register to pay for the THC cone Silas just tossed in the garbage, as Blitt and some bikini ladies stare around. For all of Silas's complaining, I don't think there's a single scene in the dispensary that doesn't have about fifty people in weird clothes milling around. Doug offers a paean to the wonder of the store, how there are drugs everywhere and "cold creamy treats" full of drugs, and beautiful girls in bikinis asking him for drugs, and finally just breaks down in tears.
CP the dirty cop comes in talking about how he woke up in his car with a blinding headache, after stubbornly not dying like he should have, and says that he agrees with Doug's basic G. Ham point, being that he shouldn't be hanging around in his cop outfit anymore. Silas is relieved, Doug can't even place him right now. CP tells Silas it's time for an apology, and he says he's sorry CP got hurt, but is answered with a demand for ten grand extra, today. He points out that assault on a police officer is a felony with a minimum sentence of "eight years' daily ass rape," and Silas is shocked. Shocked that the dirty cop Doug almost killed has decided to act like a dirty cop some more. CP leaves and Doug starts freaking out at some space cop people that are entering the store. Pissed beyond belief, Silas shrieks, "It's ComiCon, you idiot!"
Andy comes running to meet Nancy down by Esteban's pool, under the impression that the man of the house is dead, just like Andy said. "Shot? Beheaded?" He's heard they're doing that lately, and asks to see any photos. Completely lacking in time for Andy's crap, Nancy leads him by the hand down the steps to the pool and tells him to bring his car around, explaining that they have to go to Dr. Alanis and have the baby right this second. Andy's still stuck on the dead body, but she admits she lied about that to get him there. "You lied to me? I was so excited!" he whines.
Nancy explains to Andy about Rosemary's Birthing Room, and explains that the birth taking place off the grid means no witnesses and no birth certificate, which means she and the baby suddenly don't exist. Andy declares her no longer his responsibility, pointing out that her drama is now the responsibility of the "corrupt, drug-dealing politician" she's decided to marry, but she's not into talking about their relationship. Clearly on edge, with tears in her eyes, she grits out that she's not fucking around, eyes wide as a panicking horse.
"I was suffering severe... You can't imagine, how much I was suffering. And they wouldn't help me, nobody would..." -- Rosemary Woodhouse
"I am trying to get over you and your drama! This could set me back weeks in my healing process! You cannot suck me back into your web!" he declares, and she grabs at his crotch, offering him a handjob. "I don't want your pregnant pity handjob! That's just sad." He offers to take her to Alanis, but clarifies that this is the last time, even laster than the last time he said it was the last time. "And I want a rain check on that," he adds, pointing at her hand, "For when you're not with child." He goes to get the car, asking if she was really going to jerk him off, and she rolls her eyes. "Or squeeze your balls until you gave me your car keys," obviously.