Like a Wire Inside

S05E07

So that mysterious lady is still not quite identified, although Shane's able to place her on Wikipedia as a member of Mexico's financial and cultural elite. Esteban assures Nancy that their marriage -- which is currently endangering his gubernatorial bid -- will take place in the future, but then has Cesar set up an entire birthing suite on the grounds so that the baby will be born under the radar. No witnesses, no birth certificate, no way out.

Rightfully terrified, Nancy calls Andy back into service, and as he drives her to a late-term visit with Alanis "Not The Doctor" Morissette, he has a full-scale wobbler about how Nancy is poison, but he loves her, but he hates her, but can he have a handjob, but obsession is not love, etc. This is made all the more amazing by the fact that he is still sporting the Gold Rush Prospector Beard. Then, crushing on Alanis, he tells the entire story about Esteban and the whole thing, in a hilarious summation that gets Alanis the hell on board.

Celia's first meeting with the You're Pretty collective is shocking and funny, but for all its Respect The Cock intensity Celia doesn't come away truly motivated: her first-run sales meeting becomes a little like a bloodbath, dashing Celia's hopes of Mary Kay stardom while introducing a gorgeous new love interest for Isabelle. How perfect is she? Well, she knows the "Huskaroos" song by heart, for starters...

CP is not dead, which is sad; sadder still is the intense work-related stress that Doug is putting on Silas, who eventually calls in Dean to dissolve their partnership. Before anything can get signed, though, Internal Affairs sweeps in and nabs CP for extortion. Not sure where this leaves Doug and Silas, since their IA mole (Blitt from last week) has to at least know they were in collusion or whatever.

Celia comes home in agony blathering about Willy Loman, but a short foot rub and pep talk courtesy of Shane -- not to mention a request for her to stand in loco while Nancy's off being in a movie about devil babies and dead chicks -- seems to have her thinking dealing drugs is a good idea. Celia honey, there's this show you should watch. It's really good.

Esteban and Cesar comes busting down the door in Nancy's hospital room ready to abduct her back to Rosemary's Crèche, but guess what? The newest little Price-Botwin-Reyes baby has already entered the world. He's ginger, has a wandering eye, and is completely beautiful. And Esteban is smitten.

week: Nancy and Pilar face off, Celia tries to sell pot, and Andy makes a surprising decision about the baby's future.

The opening screen is a Mac on which somebody is looking at the Wikipedia page for the show. The only basic difference is a comparison between the show's title and the concept of "widow's weeds," and when you click the logo a reggae version of the "Little Boxes" song plays. Then Nancy's packing her shit and smiling angrily, forcing the issue of the mysterious woman, the "stiletto-heeled Mexicunt" who just called off their wedding by apparently screeching in Spanish.

Esteban names her, Pilar Zuazo, and says that she's a "very important woman" in his life, who has just pointed out that by marrying a foreigner he's jeopardizing his political career. Nancy assures him his career is safe, but he begs her to trust him: after the gubernatorial election, they can get married and be a family.

"We're gonna be in the beautiful hills of Beverly, with a pool and a spice garden -- the whole schmear!" -- Guy Woodhouse

So apparently Pilar's not what jealous Nancy was thinking at all. He apologizes for not thinking it through, blaming his impetuous and all-consuming love for Nancy, who asks why on earth he should take orders from anybody. Esteban explains that Pilar is a woman with influence, who makes sure his ambitions are supported, and Nancy says that makes Pilar his boss. He smiles that tiger smile that says she's treading dangerous ground, and says that nobody's his boss. She asks, as he nuzzles her shoulder and begs her to stay, if they've ever hooked up, and he laughs that she has "teeth down there," and never wanted to find out for himself. That just makes me even more bummed out she left in such a rush!

Shane helps Nancy look up Zuazo's résumé online the way he helped Nancy put together her own, once, and declares Pilar hot. "They're fake," Nancy spits, and asks him to "try Wiki." Pilar is the daughter of a late industrialist Raul Zuazo ("silver spoon oppressor," Shane offers, beefing up the evil of her résumé), the heiress to a vast telecommunications empire ("media manipulator"), on the board of the Mexican Stock Exchange ("inside trader"), and a philanthropist ("tax evader," he decides, after a moment).

Nancy's stuck, having nothing to actually go on and certainly no legal issues to consider, and Shane points out that the woman owns Mexico and thus can certainly handle clearing up any drug queenpinning allegations on her Wikipedia page. "We need to get the fuck out of here right now," he says. "These people bludgeon innocent golfers for sport!" Nancy doesn't really press him, but he gets her all stirred up about how once the baby is born they will all be murdered, without even being given a reason: "They'll just do it and laugh." Thug means never having to say you're sorry. There's a crashing sound in another part of the house, and Shane is like, "Here they come now."

By Jacob

Cesar is supervising a contingent of Esteban's men, who are moving what clearly looks like obstetric equipment into the guest house. The theme song of Rosemary's Baby starts to play as Nancy stares at him, and he explains that Esteban has decided she should have the baby here, at home. "How convenient," she says, shitting it, and Cesar's like, "You'll have everything you need." What about a flatscreen? Premium cable so she can watch Showtime? Not even a little fridge? Cesar says he's not providing that shit, and she gets a little brave, so he knows she's edged up another level in the game: "Who should I ask, Esteban? Pilar?"

Cesar tells her to hit Best Buy, and she says she'll take Shane: "I'll do that. Pop over there right now, and review my options." Which is fine, Cesar says, except the damndest thing, her taillight's broken and her car's in the shop.

"They're very clever people. They planned everything right from the beginning. They probably made some sort of deal..." -- Rosemary Woodhouse

Meanwhile, speaking of cults, Raylene is shaking her car keys in the faces of all the women surrounding Celia at the You're Pretty makeup-selling seminar. "When I'm not tooling around in my cherry-red You're Pretty convertible, I'm cruising in my Maserati!" She goes on to talk about her Tahoe chalet -- "SKI IN, SKI OUT!" -- and private ski instructor, who looks like professional cougar bait Ashton Kutcher. "Hands up who wants to be me?"

Celia murmurs that she no longer wants to be as blonde as Raylene, but she does love Tahoe. True to her calling, Raylene doesn't let Celia salt her game: she jumps into the step in the speech with Celia as an oblique object lesson about how some have it, but 90% of the assembled women don't. "But for those who do... Being me is fantastic!" Celia mutters that her nipples are actually hard, and she crows, "As a matter of fact they are! MY NIPPLES ARE HARD, AND MY LADY IS WET!" Just like Nana used to say. Of course, sometimes my Nana takes her wig off when she's drunk, but I appreciate the self-esteem on display here.

By Jacob

Nancy stares down at the General Lee, asking if he's effing kidding, and Andy patiently explains that it's the General Lee. "I know? I was twelve once too," she reminds him, and he proudly tells her it was one of seventeen cars used in Season Four of The Dukes Of Hazzard. "Unlock please," she says petulantly at the door, and he says it's welded shut. "In that case a little help please," she says, totally exhausted by life. Andy spends about ten minutes force-feeding her into the car, and it's really uncomfortable to watch. "Get your hand off my boob!" she yells, and he tells her to deal with it. He jumps in on the other side, head-first, and she complains about the car some more. (And she doesn't even know where the money actually came from yet!) He tells her to be glad he didn't end up winning the auction on Fonzie's motorcycle, and they zoom away.

The first actually attractive, non-butterface bikini walks into the dispensary, asking for the manager. Her name is Tinsley and she's looking for a job. Long story short, this means Doug wants to fire Blitt because he's stoned enough to think she would ever touch him, so Blitt runs to Silas to complain, and Doug drops about a million racial jabs on Blitt that are very Doug, in that they're not actually very clever or interesting or funny, and their partnership suddenly dissolves because Silas is tired of dealing with Doug's retarded ass. Oh, and one funny exchange where Blitt offers to set Doug up with his cousin, if he needs "pussy," but Doug asks if his "horny as shit" cousin Rachel looks anything like him.

Nancy thanks Andy, and offers to pay for gas. Andy says she's already done enough by showing him what he really wants in life: the right woman, a child, to carry on the Botwin legacy. "You've got a cute butt, it would be a shame not to pass that on," she smiles condescendingly, and laughs while he protests that she's being snide, which she is. Their chemistry gets normal for a second, talking about how he has as much to offer as Judah once did -- including being alive, Nancy points out for the millionth time, at which Judah ultimately failed -- and he reminds her that he's a total rockstar in bed, which we know to be true and which is the general consensus. He explains again that the key is "Wrong and focused work ... Where the sidewalk ends," and waggles brows at her. "I know, Andy. I'm a girl."

By Jacob

Cesar and Esteban roll up in that hospital like the army of God, shoving nurses out the way and busting into the room. Nancy lies in the bed, looking wretched -- for her, which means she's still hotter than anyone who ever lived -- with Andy and Shane looking down. Esteban crosses to her closet, grabbing things and explaining without prelude that she's done "a very bad and foolish thing" by coming into the hospital. He demands that she get dressed, but she just lays there looking queerly at him. Cesar knocks on the door, and Esteban asks what he wants... And a nurse wheels a baby cart into the room.

The stitches sting as Nancy sits up, and the nurse puts him into her arms. Esteban stares. "My God. You have no idea what you've done." She nearly smiles, glittering with pride and tears, and looks up at him: "He has your eyes," she says, as a private joke between herself and Mia Farrow, and puts the baby into Esteban's arms, and he looks down intensely, shaking his head, and stares at his son. The bastard. The Price Boy:

"They use blood in their rituals and the blood that has the most power is baby's blood. And they don't just use the blood, they use the flesh too." -- Rosemary Woodhouse

Nancy is triumphant, leaning back to look at Andy, as the five of them stand there: a brand new family, right before your eyes. She's proud, is Daredevil Girl, but there's more: The man she loves, holding their son in his arms.

Give Weeds some Tubeys, and take a look at our list of Emmy snubs!