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So that mysterious lady is still not quite identified, although Shane's able to place her on Wikipedia as a member of Mexico's financial and cultural elite. Esteban assures Nancy that their marriage -- which is currently endangering his gubernatorial bid -- will take place in the future, but then has Cesar set up an entire birthing suite on the grounds so that the baby will be born under the radar. No witnesses, no birth certificate, no way out.
Rightfully terrified, Nancy calls Andy back into service, and as he drives her to a late-term visit with Alanis "Not The Doctor" Morissette, he has a full-scale wobbler about how Nancy is poison, but he loves her, but he hates her, but can he have a handjob, but obsession is not love, etc. This is made all the more amazing by the fact that he is still sporting the Gold Rush Prospector Beard. Then, crushing on Alanis, he tells the entire story about Esteban and the whole thing, in a hilarious summation that gets Alanis the hell on board.
Celia's first meeting with the You're Pretty collective is shocking and funny, but for all its Respect The Cock intensity Celia doesn't come away truly motivated: her first-run sales meeting becomes a little like a bloodbath, dashing Celia's hopes of Mary Kay stardom while introducing a gorgeous new love interest for Isabelle. How perfect is she? Well, she knows the "Huskaroos" song by heart, for starters...
CP is not dead, which is sad; sadder still is the intense work-related stress that Doug is putting on Silas, who eventually calls in Dean to dissolve their partnership. Before anything can get signed, though, Internal Affairs sweeps in and nabs CP for extortion. Not sure where this leaves Doug and Silas, since their IA mole (Blitt from last week) has to at least know they were in collusion or whatever.
Celia comes home in agony blathering about Willy Loman, but a short foot rub and pep talk courtesy of Shane -- not to mention a request for her to stand in loco while Nancy's off being in a movie about devil babies and dead chicks -- seems to have her thinking dealing drugs is a good idea. Celia honey, there's this show you should watch. It's really good.
Esteban and Cesar comes busting down the door in Nancy's hospital room ready to abduct her back to Rosemary's Crèche, but guess what? The newest little Price-Botwin-Reyes baby has already entered the world. He's ginger, has a wandering eye, and is completely beautiful. And Esteban is smitten.
week: Nancy and Pilar face off, Celia tries to sell pot, and Andy makes a surprising decision about the baby's future.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!The opening screen is a Mac on which somebody is looking at the Wikipedia page for the show. The only basic difference is a comparison between the show's title and the concept of "widow's weeds," and when you click the logo a reggae version of the "Little Boxes" song plays. Then Nancy's packing her shit and smiling angrily, forcing the issue of the mysterious woman, the "stiletto-heeled Mexicunt" who just called off their wedding by apparently screeching in Spanish.
Esteban names her, Pilar Zuazo, and says that she's a "very important woman" in his life, who has just pointed out that by marrying a foreigner he's jeopardizing his political career. Nancy assures him his career is safe, but he begs her to trust him: after the gubernatorial election, they can get married and be a family.
"We're gonna be in the beautiful hills of Beverly, with a pool and a spice garden -- the whole schmear!" -- Guy Woodhouse
So apparently Pilar's not what jealous Nancy was thinking at all. He apologizes for not thinking it through, blaming his impetuous and all-consuming love for Nancy, who asks why on earth he should take orders from anybody. Esteban explains that Pilar is a woman with influence, who makes sure his ambitions are supported, and Nancy says that makes Pilar his boss. He smiles that tiger smile that says she's treading dangerous ground, and says that nobody's his boss. She asks, as he nuzzles her shoulder and begs her to stay, if they've ever hooked up, and he laughs that she has "teeth down there," and never wanted to find out for himself. That just makes me even more bummed out she left in such a rush!
Shane helps Nancy look up Zuazo's résumé online the way he helped Nancy put together her own, once, and declares Pilar hot. "They're fake," Nancy spits, and asks him to "try Wiki." Pilar is the daughter of a late industrialist Raul Zuazo ("silver spoon oppressor," Shane offers, beefing up the evil of her résumé), the heiress to a vast telecommunications empire ("media manipulator"), on the board of the Mexican Stock Exchange ("inside trader"), and a philanthropist ("tax evader," he decides, after a moment).
Nancy's stuck, having nothing to actually go on and certainly no legal issues to consider, and Shane points out that the woman owns Mexico and thus can certainly handle clearing up any drug queenpinning allegations on her Wikipedia page. "We need to get the fuck out of here right now," he says. "These people bludgeon innocent golfers for sport!" Nancy doesn't really press him, but he gets her all stirred up about how once the baby is born they will all be murdered, without even being given a reason: "They'll just do it and laugh." Thug means never having to say you're sorry. There's a crashing sound in another part of the house, and Shane is like, "Here they come now."
Cesar is supervising a contingent of Esteban's men, who are moving what clearly looks like obstetric equipment into the guest house. The theme song of Rosemary's Baby starts to play as Nancy stares at him, and he explains that Esteban has decided she should have the baby here, at home. "How convenient," she says, shitting it, and Cesar's like, "You'll have everything you need." What about a flatscreen? Premium cable so she can watch Showtime? Not even a little fridge? Cesar says he's not providing that shit, and she gets a little brave, so he knows she's edged up another level in the game: "Who should I ask, Esteban? Pilar?"
Cesar tells her to hit Best Buy, and she says she'll take Shane: "I'll do that. Pop over there right now, and review my options." Which is fine, Cesar says, except the damndest thing, her taillight's broken and her car's in the shop.
"They're very clever people. They planned everything right from the beginning. They probably made some sort of deal..." -- Rosemary Woodhouse
Meanwhile, speaking of cults, Raylene is shaking her car keys in the faces of all the women surrounding Celia at the You're Pretty makeup-selling seminar. "When I'm not tooling around in my cherry-red You're Pretty convertible, I'm cruising in my Maserati!" She goes on to talk about her Tahoe chalet -- "SKI IN, SKI OUT!" -- and private ski instructor, who looks like professional cougar bait Ashton Kutcher. "Hands up who wants to be me?"
Celia murmurs that she no longer wants to be as blonde as Raylene, but she does love Tahoe. True to her calling, Raylene doesn't let Celia salt her game: she jumps into the step in the speech with Celia as an oblique object lesson about how some have it, but 90% of the assembled women don't. "But for those who do... Being me is fantastic!" Celia mutters that her nipples are actually hard, and she crows, "As a matter of fact they are! MY NIPPLES ARE HARD, AND MY LADY IS WET!" Just like Nana used to say. Of course, sometimes my Nana takes her wig off when she's drunk, but I appreciate the self-esteem on display here.
"Because SUCCESS! TURNS! ME! ON!" and if it doesn't turn them on, they can take their five grand and get the hell out. "So what turns you on?" She asks, and they all -- except Celia, who is as allergic to the group-sing call-and-response BS as yours truly -- scream, "SUCCESS!" Then they all get their serious faces on, monitoring their nipples and/or ladies. "Dick," Celia cheers quietly to herself, and Raylene smiles wolfishly. "Dick ever buy you a Cartier Panther watch with double diamonds?" she asks, shaking her wrist in Celia's face. "Because if it did, then SUCK THAT DICK, GIRL!" Another thing my grandmother always used to say.
Raylene asks Celia if she's a "closer" or a "loser," and Celia's honest for a sec: "I've been a loser. But I want to be a closer." They all nod, and Raylene's grateful to her for playing along after making a problem of herself, but Celia's not done: she points out that she doesn't have the five thousand, so it doesn't matter, and Raylene asks if she's going to let "a little thing like that" stand in her way. Celia goes through about fifteen personalities like a Rolodex over the course of this sentence: "Well, ha... Hahah... No? No. No waaay."
Raylene jumps in the air like a lunatic: "NO WAY, COWGIRL!" She explains that they will be fronted the products if necessary, and asks if Celia is ready to ride: she is. Are her nipples hard? They are. "But I had reconstructive surgery because of a double-mastectomy, so they're always kind of like that." Trust Celia, who was recently a South American revolutionary, to even fuck up joining a cult. Raylene's like, "Um, okay. LET'S GET STARTED!"
Silas and Doug have yet another fight about him eating all the product, which ends eventually with a stoned Doug pulling money out of the register to pay for the THC cone Silas just tossed in the garbage, as Blitt and some bikini ladies stare around. For all of Silas's complaining, I don't think there's a single scene in the dispensary that doesn't have about fifty people in weird clothes milling around. Doug offers a paean to the wonder of the store, how there are drugs everywhere and "cold creamy treats" full of drugs, and beautiful girls in bikinis asking him for drugs, and finally just breaks down in tears.
CP the dirty cop comes in talking about how he woke up in his car with a blinding headache, after stubbornly not dying like he should have, and says that he agrees with Doug's basic G. Ham point, being that he shouldn't be hanging around in his cop outfit anymore. Silas is relieved, Doug can't even place him right now. CP tells Silas it's time for an apology, and he says he's sorry CP got hurt, but is answered with a demand for ten grand extra, today. He points out that assault on a police officer is a felony with a minimum sentence of "eight years' daily ass rape," and Silas is shocked. Shocked that the dirty cop Doug almost killed has decided to act like a dirty cop some more. CP leaves and Doug starts freaking out at some space cop people that are entering the store. Pissed beyond belief, Silas shrieks, "It's ComiCon, you idiot!"
Andy comes running to meet Nancy down by Esteban's pool, under the impression that the man of the house is dead, just like Andy said. "Shot? Beheaded?" He's heard they're doing that lately, and asks to see any photos. Completely lacking in time for Andy's crap, Nancy leads him by the hand down the steps to the pool and tells him to bring his car around, explaining that they have to go to Dr. Alanis and have the baby right this second. Andy's still stuck on the dead body, but she admits she lied about that to get him there. "You lied to me? I was so excited!" he whines.
Nancy explains to Andy about Rosemary's Birthing Room, and explains that the birth taking place off the grid means no witnesses and no birth certificate, which means she and the baby suddenly don't exist. Andy declares her no longer his responsibility, pointing out that her drama is now the responsibility of the "corrupt, drug-dealing politician" she's decided to marry, but she's not into talking about their relationship. Clearly on edge, with tears in her eyes, she grits out that she's not fucking around, eyes wide as a panicking horse.
"I was suffering severe... You can't imagine, how much I was suffering. And they wouldn't help me, nobody would..." -- Rosemary Woodhouse
"I am trying to get over you and your drama! This could set me back weeks in my healing process! You cannot suck me back into your web!" he declares, and she grabs at his crotch, offering him a handjob. "I don't want your pregnant pity handjob! That's just sad." He offers to take her to Alanis, but clarifies that this is the last time, even laster than the last time he said it was the last time. "And I want a rain check on that," he adds, pointing at her hand, "For when you're not with child." He goes to get the car, asking if she was really going to jerk him off, and she rolls her eyes. "Or squeeze your balls until you gave me your car keys," obviously.
Celia shows off a picture of Isabelle looking adorable -- "Before!" -- and swings her around in a chair, painted up like a whore: "After!" She looks like a clown crossed with Celia's prison look. "With the help of You're Pretty cosmetics," Celia has transformed "this plain-faced young girl" into a lovely woman "now ready to meet the man of her dreams!" If in turn the lady of his dreams looks like Miss Demeanor from that '90s cartoon COPS, then yes: This is no dream, this is really happening!
Isabelle reminds her mother that she's into girls, and Celia hisses at her to play along. The assembled mall workers are unimpressed. A walleyed and fundamentally unable woman from Orange You Thirsty bitches at Celia for awhile about the promised free samples, and then there's a sort of disorganized, unmotivated riot befitting these ladies' life station, and finally she's reduced to just hurling samples at their faces: "Kill me! Rob me blind, grubby! Stay blotchy and unattractive, bitch!" That's sales acumen, right there. You know, at first glance I would have said sales was a good call for Celia, but really it's not, because even though she's shallow she's also honest to the point of having a disability.
Some cute, flirty girl in a pink uniform, Danielle, sidles up to Isabelle singing the Huskaroos song ("You're beautiful in... All the things you do...") with a certain Pussycat Dolls emphasis on "all" that makes her sort of cartoonishly horny, like that wolf with the eyeballs that pop out and the tongue goes like a window shade. Isabelle flirts back competently, while Celia rolls her eyes, and Danielle moans like she's having an orgasm about how Isabelle looks better "without all that crap" on her face. It's like watching a xerox copy of a girl who once saw a girl flirt with somebody, but I blame the director. At least she's easier to deal with than those skanks of Shane's. Danielle leaves, and Celia says -- much to Isabelle's chagrin, although it barely even makes sense -- "...And there goes the dyke market."
Nancy stares down at the General Lee, asking if he's effing kidding, and Andy patiently explains that it's the General Lee. "I know? I was twelve once too," she reminds him, and he proudly tells her it was one of seventeen cars used in Season Four of The Dukes Of Hazzard. "Unlock please," she says petulantly at the door, and he says it's welded shut. "In that case a little help please," she says, totally exhausted by life. Andy spends about ten minutes force-feeding her into the car, and it's really uncomfortable to watch. "Get your hand off my boob!" she yells, and he tells her to deal with it. He jumps in on the other side, head-first, and she complains about the car some more. (And she doesn't even know where the money actually came from yet!) He tells her to be glad he didn't end up winning the auction on Fonzie's motorcycle, and they zoom away.
The first actually attractive, non-butterface bikini walks into the dispensary, asking for the manager. Her name is Tinsley and she's looking for a job. Long story short, this means Doug wants to fire Blitt because he's stoned enough to think she would ever touch him, so Blitt runs to Silas to complain, and Doug drops about a million racial jabs on Blitt that are very Doug, in that they're not actually very clever or interesting or funny, and their partnership suddenly dissolves because Silas is tired of dealing with Doug's retarded ass. Oh, and one funny exchange where Blitt offers to set Doug up with his cousin, if he needs "pussy," but Doug asks if his "horny as shit" cousin Rachel looks anything like him.
Nancy thanks Andy, and offers to pay for gas. Andy says she's already done enough by showing him what he really wants in life: the right woman, a child, to carry on the Botwin legacy. "You've got a cute butt, it would be a shame not to pass that on," she smiles condescendingly, and laughs while he protests that she's being snide, which she is. Their chemistry gets normal for a second, talking about how he has as much to offer as Judah once did -- including being alive, Nancy points out for the millionth time, at which Judah ultimately failed -- and he reminds her that he's a total rockstar in bed, which we know to be true and which is the general consensus. He explains again that the key is "Wrong and focused work ... Where the sidewalk ends," and waggles brows at her. "I know, Andy. I'm a girl."
Andy asks about Esteban's boudoir style, offering that he seems selfish, like he'll throw you on a table and fuck you selfish. Just a touch too close, of course, so she gets a little steel in her voice: "That works too." Andy's proud, having figured she liked it rough. "I'm precise, connected. An artist. You and me never would have worked. Not rapey enough for you." Too close, too close.
Rosemary Woodhouse: "I dreamed someone was raping me. I think it was someone inhuman.
Guy Woodhouse: "It was kinda fun, in a necrophile sort of way..."
"Consider yourself lucky! I'm fucking poison, you don't have to drink it anymore." He toasts to that, and reminds her of the handjob raincheck, which makes her laugh for a moment. He stares: "Oh, God. I still love you."
Then he goes through about fifteen personalities, too. It's beautiful, especially with the moonshiner beard wobbling around on his face. "No I don't. I don't! You're just an obsession. I want what I can't have. I'm so fucked up, Jesus you are poison! Fuck you!" It's like a wire inside him, getting tighter. Done with this part of the conversation, she remembers when the General Lee used to go a lot faster. He throws it down, and "Dixie" plays as her eyes go wide.
Celia comes back to Bubbeh's house -- ("Witches! All of them, witches!") -- tossing her YP cases through the door ahead of her, and Shane stares from the Ms. Pac-Man game. She's surprised to see him, of course, but he explains that after six months, somebody's trying to kill them again, so Nancy told him to come here after school. "Which leads to the question, Why send me to the most obvious place?" Celia sits down and laughs, reminding him that Nancy leads a charmed life and will be fine.
"I am," on the other hand, "Jinxed. Cursed. Blighted. Nothing works out for me." Shane asks what's in the cases, and she sighs. "A lot of false promises. I could use a foot massage." He rolls his eyes, but goes to the couch, and they have two separate conversations about life at the same time while he rubs her feet:
"Never go into sales," Celia advises. "It's humiliating. I'm Willy Loman. Dean was supposed to be Willy Loman."
"I fucking hate Mexicans," Shane says, "They're animals. They have no regard for human life. I think I'm going to move back here. Can you tell my mom you'll take care of me?"
Celia catches wind of what he's saying for the first time, and narrows her eyes at him: "No way! I have enough problems of my own without taking on Nancy's." Besides, she asks, why would he or anybody want to be stuck with her, counting on her fingers: "I'm a bitch. I drink. And I peddle useless shit that nobody wants." Shane explains that he doesn't actually need her to take care of him, he just wants an excuse so that Nancy will leave him alone, and then tells Celia to peddle "something people want." Such as? Drugs. She groans expansively: "Now you tell me! I just blew my whole wad on eyeshadow and zit concealer!" She sends him to get her a drink, and he sort of grins about how insane she is, and goes. But while he's gone, the wheels start turning. Oh dear.
Rosemary Woodhouse: "Are you trying to get me to be his mother?"
Roman Castavet: "Aren't you his mother?"
Alanis! Is happy to see Nancy, calling her a "crescent to a full moon" since the last time she saw her, still using her Alanis powers to not be a douchebag when she says this. Nancy apologizes for seeing another doctor
over the last six months, and Alanis smiles. "I've been seeing other patients! It's all good." Andy, supposedly former infatuation junkie that he is, immediately jumps on her chili and introduces himself in terms of both his place in the family's life and as a man who believes that family and children are the most important blah blah. Nancy finally stops him, explaining that it's time to induce this particular instance of that blah blah.
Alanis asks what her doctor thinks about that, and Nancy replies truthfully that she didn't ask, begging her to get the baby out of her ASAP. Alanis shakes her head and reminds her that she's still two days from her due date, and should just let her body call the shots. Before she can go into This Too Shall Pass mode, Nancy nearly starts crying, because she can't wait. "Not because I'm uncomfortable," she bites at her frustration, and Andy steps in: "The father is a drug kingpin-slash-mayor-slash-radical home birth advocate who built a delivery room in their guesthouse, spared no expense, for two apparent reasons: one, to guarantee that his first and only son arrives safely; two, to insure no witnesses or official records of this event, which could pose a problem if he ever decided to kidnap the baby to Mexico and/or kill its mother the minute she gives birth." Breathless and beautifully executed, Botwin.
"Now, maybe all of this is coincidence, but one thing is for sure: They have a coven, and they want my baby." -- Rosemary Woodhouse
"Thank you, Andy, for your discretion." Alanis stares, and Nancy's like, "I need witnesses and a baby and a birth certificate before he realizes that I'm gone." Saying it out loud, she realizes how trashy it sounds, and how helpless and out of control she is, and starts crying those angry tears. "I don't have health insurance," she smiles, "But I can pay cash!" She holds out a paper bag toward Alanis and prays for death. "And if all goes well, there's a healthy bonus in it for you."
She's just so embarrassed, it's terrible. I know Nancy can be hard to take, but being myself a horribly prideful person who can't ask for basic favors or even spare change, much less a C-section should I have occasion to require one, she really got to me here. Alanis pushes the money away and says they should get her into the hospital immediately, sketching out the pros and cons of a caesarian until Nancy whisper-shouts, "GET IT OUT!" Alanis leaves, totally awesome, and Andy is under her spell. "I beg you," Nancy huffs, "Wait until I've given birth."
The dispensary is still full of superheroes and Lazytown characters when Doug tosses an envelope of money at CP, who is back in that stupid papasan bed. Doug notes that dorks smoke a lot of pot apparently, but allows as how you'd have to be pretty baked to dress like Skeletor and/or try to get upskirt snaps of Lucy Lawless. As Doug brags that he and Blitt can run the place without Silas, Dean Hodes enters in the usual chintzy suit, and he and Doug trade barbs for awhile.
Doug's basic point is that Dean is a jinx, which is true, and Dean's is that Doug is a worthless douche, which is a world of true, and then Silas comes out to shake hands with Dean, who is there to formally dissolve their partnership. But before they do -- or reconcile, it seems likely -- some cops bust in that Doug initially mistakes for more nerds, until you see the INTERNAL AFFAIRS on their flak jackets, and then Blitt is suddenly IA and he's got CP on his face, cuffing him for theft, extortion, falsifying documents and the rest of it. Doug asks if he can still bang Cousin Rachel, and Dean tries to ambulance-chase CP with his business card before one of the IA guys shoves him down with his shoe. Doug points out that in fact Dean is a huge jinx, and I can't imagine how we'll be able to wait a whole week to see what thrilling thing happens with these three.
Cesar and Esteban roll up in that hospital like the army of God, shoving nurses out the way and busting into the room. Nancy lies in the bed, looking wretched -- for her, which means she's still hotter than anyone who ever lived -- with Andy and Shane looking down. Esteban crosses to her closet, grabbing things and explaining without prelude that she's done "a very bad and foolish thing" by coming into the hospital. He demands that she get dressed, but she just lays there looking queerly at him. Cesar knocks on the door, and Esteban asks what he wants... And a nurse wheels a baby cart into the room.
The stitches sting as Nancy sits up, and the nurse puts him into her arms. Esteban stares. "My God. You have no idea what you've done." She nearly smiles, glittering with pride and tears, and looks up at him: "He has your eyes," she says, as a private joke between herself and Mia Farrow, and puts the baby into Esteban's arms, and he looks down intensely, shaking his head, and stares at his son. The bastard. The Price Boy:
"They use blood in their rituals and the blood that has the most power is baby's blood. And they don't just use the blood, they use the flesh too." -- Rosemary Woodhouse
Nancy is triumphant, leaning back to look at Andy, as the five of them stand there: a brand new family, right before your eyes. She's proud, is Daredevil Girl, but there's more: The man she loves, holding their son in his arms.
Give Weeds some Tubeys, and take a look at our list of Emmy snubs!