Episode Report Card M. Giant: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Putting the "Dent" in "President"
By M. Giant | Season 4 | Episode 16 | Aired on 04.03.2005
Soul Patch tells Kiefer that he'll be patched through to Poor Man's Eric Stoltz by pressing the "intercom" button on his cell phone. My cell phone doesn't have an intercom button. But apparently Kiefer's does. He presses it.
Up in the stealth fighter, Poor Man's Eric Stoltz's radar screen tells him he's twenty miles from his target. Just then, Kiefer's voice fills the cockpit. Or the helmet. In any case, it's Full Velvet Immersion at 20,000 feet. Kiefer's addressing Poor Man's Eric Stoltz by name and his former rank of captain, trying to get him to respond. He identifies himself. "We know who you are. We know what you're trying to do." He says that nothing Poor Man's Eric Stoltz has done so far can't be undone. Except for all those people he killed, but Kiefer doesn't know about them. He says that all PMES has to do is "change your vector to heading 115 southeast. That'll put you on a fast track to Edwards Air Force Base." So…Kiefer has that Air Traffic Control screen in his car, too? By the way, my closed-captioning says Andrews Air Force Base, which is in Maryland, so that would have to be a very fast track indeed. Kiefer continues: "Once you touch down, then we can discuss how you want to handle this." Poor Man's Eric Stoltz still isn't talking. Kiefer tries a new sucking-up method, complimenting PMES's service record and decorations. "What happened to you?" he asks. "Explain it to me." Poor Man's Eric Stoltz unhooks his oxygen mask so we can all see his anguish. He fails to suffocate. Kiefer: "Because what you're trying to do right now, I don't think that's who you are. I don't think that's how you want to be remembered." Target range is ten miles, 74 seconds after the 20-mile reading, which pegs PMES's speed relative to Air Force One at 487 miles per hour. How am I supposed to nitpick that if I don't know from which direction he's approaching?
Ten miles away, Keeler is exhorting his jowly, milquetoast-looking Vice President over the phone to "stay the course. If the worst happens, think of me as a casualty of war. Pick up the torch and move forward." Nice of him to let his son listen in to this heroic crap about what the Veep should do after both Keelers are dead. The Veep nervously agrees, and Keeler hangs up. It's 10:58:02. Keeler's flunky comes back in with word that CTU is in contact with Poor Man's Eric Stoltz. "Patch it through," says the Prez, and the flunky hits a button on the speakerphone. Now they too can hear Kiefer's voice, offering to let Poor Man's Eric Stoltz talk to his sister, who they have on the line. Instead, Poor Man's Eric Stoltz hits a button on his control panel, cutting off the call. Oops. Damn, if only CTU had a dedicated, full-time crisis negotiator on staff. Maybe they had to eliminate that position to buy more torture drugs. Kiefer panics and asks Potato Face for an override channel. She says there's nothing they can do. "Dammit!" says Kiefer.
The target range is five miles, and Poor Man's Eric Stoltz now has a missile locked on target. Which, as more than one poster pointed out, should be more than enough to give him away. But there's only a minute or so left in the show, so he's fine.