Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Retard Family Values
By Keckler | Season 8 | Episode 11 | Aired on 01.07.2006
Pa Retard decides it's time for them to go, "It was kind of you to invite us, thank you for dinner." Phoebe and Piper make blustery attempts to keep them there. Piper also swats at a fly, which I initially thought was quite bizarre, but there actually is a purpose for it. A stupid purpose, but a purpose all the same. Pa Retard declines the offer of dessert and because the night hasn't been awkward enough, the Retard jumps up and blurts, "I need to ask you guys about [the Milk Carton] right now." Ma Retard totally overdoes the pearl-clutching as she gasps, jumps back, and grabs at the back of a chair for support. Get a grip, honey. Pa Retard rebukes his stupid daughter by saying it's not something they discuss in front of strangers. Because now is the time to worry about appropriateness in front of their hosts. Phoebe and Retard say that the Manor Morons aren't strangers, they are friends, and Retard accuses her father of never wanting to discuss the Milk Carton. Ma Retard gets all runny-nosed and sob-eyed, and Retard hurls more accusations about how her parents never really did anything about finding the Milk Carton after she was abducted. The fly keeps buzzing, and Piper keeps trying to smooth things over. Pa and Retard hurl more invectives at each other until Retard finally shouts, "You guys are cold-hearted assassins!" Okay...what? Why on earth would she pick the word "assassins" for her parents? Cold-hearted robots/androids/freaks, I could see. Even cold-hearted snakes, if she wanted to go the Abdul route, but -- "assassins"? Why would that even be a word she associates with her parents? I don't get it, I don't get it, I DON'T GET IT!
Whatever. Ma and Pa Retard morph into assassin attire, with Ma trading her doily-collared print dress for a black sheath with a plunging neckline, and Pa eschewing his beige ensemble for a black jacket and white shirt. Ma Retard has also tufted her evil blond hair out with some styling paste and now looks exactly how Jenna Elfman will probably look in about thirty years. ["That's generous; Elfman already looks…kind of mature. Moisturize, Jenna!" -- Sars] Everyone bugs and boggles until Ma Retard catches site of the fly that has been waiting and waiting for his big moment. I was so hoping she'd flick out a tongue and eat it, but instead she reaches down to her thigh and whips out a garter-secured knife. She flings the knife at the fly and stabs it into the wooden doorframe. Man, that was a long way to go for a knife trick. Also, I should note that, like all assassins, Ma Retard is wearing fishnets. Fishnets mean you are Up To Something. Pa Retard compliments his wrinkly wife on her technique, and Ma Retard preens. Speaking of flies, the Retard's gonna catch a couple dozen if she doesn't shut her slacked jaw but quick. Mr. and Mrs. Retard nuzzle at each other as Ma Retard moans grotesquely. Why are all assassins oversexed? Seriously, wouldn't it be a better cover if they wore Coke bottle glasses and pocket protectors and lived in their parents' basements instead of grinding around in sexpot outfits? Phoebe looks revolted, but Piper just says, "Oh, boy," and shakes her head in true Piperly irritation. Holly hates this episode as much as we do -- have a drink on me, kid.