Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Retard Family Values
By Keckler | Season 8 | Episode 11 | Aired on 01.07.2006
At the Manor, more high-tech scrying. Apparently, Pa and Ma Retard are moving around a lot. Given the scale of that map, I don't think Ma and Pa Retard can actually move that fast unless they were in a helicopter. Since the Retard is being uncharacteristically quiet, Phoebe asks if she's okay. Well, she really isn't, since her parents tried to shoot her. Raige attempts to make the whiny Retard feel better by saying they weren't really her parents, but she blathers so much that Phoebe orders her back to stirring duty. Nothing more of import really happens here, except for the Retard nostalgically remembering how her parents were once this happy before the Milk Carton expired. The doorbell rings. "Piper?" Phoebe asks. Is she asking if Piper's at the door or is she asking if Piper's going to get it? "No, she's with the babies, putting them down for a nap," Raige says, and hands over her spoon to Phoebe. "I think I know who it is." So, she was asking if it was Piper at the door. Why would Piper be ringing her own doorbell? It's not like they lock the damn door ever. Oh, I give up. Before Raige quits the attic to get the door, she reminds Phoebe that they can't let Pa and Ma Retard off an innocent.
Downstairs, Raige opens the door and coolly greets Henry who asks if she got any of his calls. Raige shrugs that she got all of them, and what is with the weird Snow White evil stepmother collar on her purplish-grey shirt? Henry realizes that Raige is mad and tries to make excuses, but Raige is having none of it. She tells him that it's not supposed to be this hard this early, and says she feels there's something "off" or that there's something he's not telling her. "What are you not telling me?" Henry asks immediately. Raige won't have it turned around on her, and goggles that he's married. Henry's not married, but he explains that he has secrets and he has a hard time getting close to people, especially when he knows they are holding out on him. The Retard and Phoebe come clomping down the stairs with Phoebe calling, "We gotta move, so we can get the thing from the thing for the thing." Raige promises to call Henry. Henry leaves with a small backward glance. Phoebe explains that Pa and Ma Retard stopped moving, and the Retard points out that they stopped moving at Mucky Muck's building. Piper, in a blush-colored blousy shirt that clings in all the wrong places, asks what the Retard is talking about. The powerful children being stolen for corporate America theory is explained, and Raige and Phoebe say something stupid about The Manchurian Candidate. The Retard persists in her theory until Phoebe and Raige get around to seeing that Pa and Ma Retard are being used to draw the Retard in. Phoebe orders Piper to accompany the group this time while she stays with the kids. Piper protests, but Phoebe reminds her that she has more firepower than she does. Yeah, a lot of good that will do her, as we'll soon see. Piper is not thrilled with this until Phoebe tells her she has to "get back out there and fight. For the Dolt." Piper looks at the floor.Corporate event with drinking, smarming, and metal detecting. Standing in line for the metal detector, the trio looks around for Pa and Ma Retard. The Retard says they must be nearby because she spots "Davos," a.k.a. Mucky Muck. Isn't Davos that place in Switzerland where corporate bigwigs go to plot their globalization of capitalism? Looking at the credits, I see that the character's name is "Dalvos" but I think they can swallow the "l" if they expect us to swallow this tripe. Pretending not to know her, Pa Retard seats himself next to Ma and casually places his tape recorder on the table. As the doomed Grant positions himself at the podium, Ma just as casually puts her mascara on the table. Oh, that's what that pen thing was in the stainless steel briefcase. Mucky Muck's cousin drones about not going public as Pa and Ma Retard assemble a gun under the table using the mascara and the tape recorder. Marshall's stuff is so much cooler. The Retard spies her parents and is relieved to see they are okay. Pa Retard gets the nod from Mucky Muck, after which he stands up and fires the gun. The bullet freezes inches from Grant's face. We look over to see Piper's hands in position. "What are you doing -- are you crazy?" the Retard caterwauls at her frozen pop. Why is she even surprised by this turn of events -- they ARE FUCKING ASSASSINS! I just can't -- please make it stop. Raige dances over to bat down the bullet, squealing, "Hot! Hot! Hot!" Piper wonders why Pa and Ma Retard were shooting at Grant. Sgt. Pepper shimmers in and says, "Because I wanted them to, and just so you know, whether or not you vanquish me, it won't save Mommy and Daddy." Piper doesn't follow. Sgt. Pepper explains that Grant is still going to die and Pa and Ma Retard will be held responsible. "And afterwards, our greatest creation -- for all intents and purposes, a human -- Rod Davos will take over and with it give us the demonic foothold we've worked a generation to achieve," Sgt Pepper goes on. Don't you love it when the baddies explain everything they plan to do? After Piper wonders how Sgt. Pepper's going to manage all that, Mucky Muck breaks his freeze (or was never really frozen because he's got demon taint on him) and fires at Grant. Blood spurts. People scream. Grant falls. Whatever, the trajectory from where Mucky Muck fired is totally different from what a bullet fired by Pa Retard's would be. Columbo would figure it out. As chaos ensues, Pa and Ma Retard get away. Luckily there was a handy photographer there to take all kinds of pictures. Sgt. Pepper smiles at Piper before disappearing into the commercial break. Gee, I wonder if they're going to make the Milk Carton come back evil.