Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Retard Family Values
By Keckler | Season 8 | Episode 11 | Aired on 01.07.2006
Phoebe's on her phone saying, "I don't know -- it just came to me. Actually, I don't know why I had such a hard time with the question in the first place." Elise's assistant tells Phoebe how brilliant she is, which Phoebe totally laps up with her non-modest modesty. Elise's assistant then quotes back the answer about siblings relying too much on one another for emotional needs and therefore not being able to form relationships outside that co-dependency. Or something. "'Sometimes you have to move out to move on,'" Elise's assistant breathes. And by the way? She's not looking down at her desk or at a computer screen, which means she committed Phoebe's advice to memory. Blech! Phoebe tells Elise's assistant that she can relate to the sibling dependency issue and that it only took her time and peace and quiet to figure it out. Oh, peace and quiet this, bitch. As Piper, Raige, and the Retard orb in, after bitching that her oasis of peace and quiet has dried up (much like I wish her uterus would), Phoebe orders Elise's assistant to get the column to copy ASAP and hangs up. Piper bustles off to get the boys to their grandfather's place, adding, "And just so we're clear, I'm not ducking a fight, I'm just protecting my kids." The Retard and Raige bring Phoebe up to tedious speed, which includes mentioning that Sgt. Pepper is Mucky Muck's nanny. And when was that told to them, exactly? I didn't hear it, did you hear it? Is it something that just came to them as they orbed over? I watched the episode four times to find it and I never found it. I HATE THIS FUCKING SHOW! Phoebe sighs, all put-upon again.At the crime scene, reporters ask Mucky Muck why people would want to kill Grant. Mucky Muck nebulously connects it to the Retard coming to him for information on her missing Milk Carton and how he and Grant weren't able to do anything to help them. Back in his office, Mucky Muck asks Sgt. Pepper how long he has to wait before he becomes chairman. Sgt. Pepper tells him to be patient; in the meantime, they have to take care of "loose ends."
Somewhere in the city that isn't the one I live in, both Pa and Ma Retard get calls telling them of a new assignment. "All right, where do I find the mark?" Ma Retard says NOT AT ALL QUIETLY IN A POPULATED AND BUSY STREET! Man, she wears her name well.
Non-techie scrying at the Manor doesn't work, because the two have split up and the crystal can't decide which one to land on. Can't they just scry for one and then for the other? I mean, say what you will about married people, they aren't a single being. Plus, there's the Retard with her computer -- why can't she scry for one on there and have Phoebe scry for the other?! Oh, right, because she's too busy watching a video file of Mucky Muck's press conference. What she's obsessing over is that Mucky Muck says something about how Pa and Ma Retard have been looking for the Milk Carton for the past fifteen years. "This is all over the internet -- they were looking for her and they didn't even tell me," the Retard whines. Because Mucky Muck has SO much credibility at this point. Reasoning that the parents of witches must have trace magic in their blood, Phoebe hits on the idea of doing the "Call for a Lost Witch" spell to smoke Pa and Ma Retard out. Considering they've done "Call for a Lost Sister" before, could they just do "Call for a Lost Mother and Father"? COULDN'T THEY?! Piper seems to like that idea.