Episode Report Card Couch Baron: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Meeeooow! (Fffft!)
By Couch Baron | Season 3 | Episode 1 | Aired on 07.13.1999
Cafeteria. Glynn addresses a crop of new C.O.s, including Clayton and Claire Howell. He says he was in their shoes thirty years earlier, and passes along some advice that his warden gave him: "'Be aware, and beware.' My own little addendum is 'be fair.'" And my own little addendum: Shut up, er...there. Afterward, Clayton tells Glynn that it sounded like he's given that same speech a hundred times before, and I have to agree that it sounded as canned as cheap fruit cocktail. He asks where he's going to be assigned. Glynn: "Somewhere you'll be safe." Cut to the front, where Clayton is fending off a mob of visitors. It seems contrived, but I get to laugh at Clayton's misfortune, so I'll ignore it. I can be bought. Glynn waves at Clayton. Hee.
Locker room. Claire enters to find Diane. They introduce themselves, and Claire quickly asks, "Who's the cute guy who's running Emerald City?" My brain desperately tries to squeeze itself out of one of my ears, but that's futile, really, because alive or dead, I'm not ready for this conversation. Diane tells her, and Claire asks if he's available. Diane falters a little before answering yes, which Claire picks up on. "You used to fuck him?" Well, at least I know if I go to hell, it won't be any worse than this conversation. Diane admits that she did. She tells Claire to let her know if she needs anything, which is an awfully strange and disturbing remark given what they were just talking about, but Claire mercifully says she can take care of herself, and leaves. Diane: "Yes, I'm sure you can." You did hear that she's after McManus, right?
McManus's office. Claire arrives and asks McManus if he's working late. No, he's just finished, so Claire asks him out for dinner. He hems and haws, and she playfully asks if a woman asking him out puts him off. Well, let's get a woman in here and find out. I don't mean that as a sexist remark -- I just don't think Claire's actually human. I don't know what a succinct term for "that which is cursed to walk the earth after being expelled fully formed from Satan's bowels," but I'm guessing it isn't "woman." McManus says he actually finds Claire's forthrightness "ballsy," which is another contextually bizarre and disturbing remark, and she says there's a Rumanian restaurant around the corner she's been dying to try, like (a) I didn't think prisons usually had a lot of customer-driven businesses flourishing right on their doorsteps, and (b) she seems to know the neighborhood really well, considering IT'S HER FIRST DAY. Anyway, McManus accepts, and Claire says she'll meet him in the parking lot, leaving McManus to wonder what he's gotten himself into. I think it's safe to say this, Tim: You have no fucking idea.