Episode Report Card Demian: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Behold The Power Of Sleaze
By Demian | Season 6 | Episode 4 | Aired on 10.11.2003
So, Phoebe sends the infant bartender to cool his heels elsewhere so she can bellyache about Chronic without channeling Jack's lust for his boss. See what they did there? Don't worry. I'm sure it slipped past them, too. Seems Chronic's winging back from Hong Kong yet again to bone the hapless Feebs, and she doesn't know what to do. With her stupid new power behaving so unpredictably, she's worried they'll spend the entire weekend in bed. Because Chronic's sole purpose on earth is to fuck Phoebe Halliwell. God, I hate her. Piper thinks Phoebe should escort Chronic to a highly public venue such as a restaurant, to discuss the nature of their relationship in a place where they can't "get buck wild." Oh, I'm sure Phoebe'd find a way to screw Chronic in a restaurant, Piper. Hell, Samantha Jones -- herself not the brightest bulb on the television tree -- did her boy toy against a glass rack at a purse party. I'm sure Phoebe will think of something, should Chronic's mood strike her. Heh. "Think." Sometimes I crack myself up.
In any event, Phoebe sort-of agrees with Piper's plan as they link arms to head up the stairs. Big Gay Chris orbs onto the landing, eliciting an immediate and dead-serious, "No!" from both ladies. Big Gay Chris looks miffed. Aw. Come to Demian, Big Gay Chris. I'll make it all better. Okay, fine. Recap. Gotcha. The ladies insist they're heading to lunch, and Big Agreeable Chris says that's perfectly fine with him. "We can hunt demons after lunch!" The ladies who insist upon lunching roll their eyes. Big Shifty Chris slyly switches gears and too-casually wonders if either of the gals has seen the Dolt lately, as there's a rumor wafting through Whitelighterland to the effect that the Dolt knows who banished him to the Isle of Dykes. Neither Piper nor Phoebe has enjoyed the pleasure of the Dolt's company as of late, and besides, Piper has a more pressing concern. "Did either of you leave the Book on the floor last night?" she asks. Nope, says Hubby and the dimwit, but Big Vaguely-Familiar-With-This Chris notes that he remembers a story about the Book and the floor and whatnot, though he's not too certain of the details. The audience is meant to wonder if this is because his Tiny Self is barely cognizant of his surroundings at this point in his life. The audience is not, however, to wonder why Chris would remember anything about tonight's events in the first place, given that Raige died five months ago in his original timeline, eliminating the Power of Three and taking with her any justification for the titular blondes' designs on the Glamorous Ladies' identities. Stupid writers. In spite of this gaping plot hole, Big Correctly-Cautious Chris advises Piper and Phoebe to "take this threat seriously, and tell [Raige]." And where is Raige, exactly? Why, at one of her contrived and tedious temp jobs, of course! Big Dismissive Chris thinks she's wasting her time, but his mom and his aunt remind him Raige is on a "quest for happiness outside of magic." They breeze past him to ascend the stairs. Trailing after them, Big Incredulous Chris snorts, "Who finds happiness at a temp job?"
Raige, apparently, for the next shot is of her perkily packing boxes of fruit at North Shore Citrus, and man, she's signed with a fucked-up temp agency. It'd be like Loftus & O'Meara sending me to the now-defunct downtown Oscar Mayer plant back in the day as, like, a wiener stuffer. In other words, I'm not buying it. Any of it. Raige seems blithely unconcerned with my rantings as she overreaches for a specific orange. Raige is do-ragged. Just tossing that out there. Raige's coworker, whom I'm calling Maria Mon-tez! because I'm having a Myra Breckinridge moment, instructs her to straighten her back, then proceeds to bitch about herniated disks. Raige nods her head and smiles until she spots two fleet-footed Smurfs racing around on the walls. No, seriously. There are two tiny blue men CGI'd into the scene, and one of them pushes a stack of crates in Maria Mon-tez!'s general direction. "Look out!" Raige screams, throwing herself bodily across the lemon-laden conveyer belt to knock Maria Mon-tez! to the ground, just as the crates crash heavily into the floor. The Smurfs cackle maliciously. Boss-Man Of The Week storms in to shut everything down for a safety inspection. "This place is maldito," Maria Mon-tez! darkly warns, overdoing by several significant degrees both her accent and the general sense of foreboding. "Cursed!" she adds, for the benefit of those unfamiliar with the wetback lingo. "I think I'm maldito," Raige mopes, glaring at the Smurfs. The Smurfs titter and speed off...