Episode Report Card Demian: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Behold The Power Of Sleaze
By Demian | Season 6 | Episode 4 | Aired on 10.11.2003
Oh, shit. I'd forgotten about this next scene. Sigh. Phoebe slinks through a crowded and tony eatery to crouch behind a potted plant. Feel free to insert your own joke about difficult it is to distinguish between the two. From Phoebe's vantage point, she's able to eavesdrop on the uncomfortable and embarrassing dinner date Chronic's having with Midge. And by that, I mean "uncomfortable and embarrassing for the audience." Chronic presents Midge with an expensive diamond necklace. To show her appreciation, Midge dives beneath the tablecloth to give him a blowjob. No, seriously. No. SERIOUSLY. Jenny McCarthy gets down on her knees to go down on Eric Dane. She even wipes the sides of her mouth when she reemerges after many excruciating seconds. Fuck it. I can't deal with this shit anymore. Fast-forward. Fast-forward. Oh, look! Phoebe bounds across the restaurant to wallop Jenny McCarthy in the teeth! Were it not for the pesky premonition Phoebe slams into Midge's jaw, this would have made for an eminently rewindable moment. Through a murky, sepia-tinged lens, we see the much-abused grandfather clock chime midnight as Piper, Phoebe, and Raige pose prettily for close-ups on the sun porch. "Personal invitation" thus delivered, Phoebe leaves.
North Shore Citrus. The Flatulent Oboe Of Wacky Wiccan Hijinks makes its triumphant return to the small screen, and this episode can suck my ass. Oh, wait. IT ALREADY IS. Raige threatens to vanquish the Smurfs unless they find her big gay nephew. We're led to believe the Smurfs acquiesce to Raige's demands.
Bridal Boudoir Of Underage Fornication And Sin. Mange barges into the darkened room with the twelve-year-old and proceeds to Geoghan his ass all over the bed. The Dolt harrumphs from the depths of a wicker rocker in the shadows by the window, where he's having some quality time with Tiny Gay Chris. The twelve-year-old apologetically bails, but the Dolt gets pissy anyway. Mange blames her purportedly odd behavior on "post-partum" depression, and begs the Dolt to take Tiny Chris "off [her] hands for a while" until she gets her act together. The stupid Dolt buys it and orbs upwards with Tiny Chris, who's been rather amusingly pointing an accusatory finger at his supposedly slutty mom through much of this scene. Mange smirks in something meant to approximate triumphant wickedness until Midge lopes in with the bad premonition news.
Down in the main hallway, the grandfather clock chimes midnight as Raige orbs onto the sun porch with Piper and Phoebe. The gals move to enter the Manor proper, but the various doors on the porch slide and slam shut, trapping them. The titular blondes swivel in from the dining room, and dear Lord. Once more with the shrewish sniping. Saving me from this hormonal hell is Big Befuddled Chris, who orbs in with, "You wouldn't happen to know any [Smurfs], would you?" The Glamorous Ladies immediately and stridently plead their case, with Piper reminding him of his vague, Book-related warning to her that morning. Piper almost has him convinced when Mange challenges Piper to prove her identity by deploying her Hands Of Discontent. Piper, of course, can't, so Raige steps forward to make with the orbing, hoping this will convince Big Slow-On-The-Uptake Chris who the true Glamorous Ladies are. Naturally -- naturally -- Raige can't orb because Moron recited an "anti-orb spell." Which we didn't hear. Nor do we learn how both Raige and Big Elusive Chris orbed onto the sun porch despite the spell's effects. Because this episode sucks. Big I'm-Over-This-Crap Chris eyes Raige's constipated non-orbing demeanor for a moment, then turns to Mange to shrug, "Blast away." Mange lifts a Hand in Piper's direction and takes out half the sun porch's windows. "Have you ever known Piper to miss?" Phoebe shouts. Mange unleashes another Hand at Phoebe, but shatters a plant stand at the far end of the room instead. "She's getting angry," Piper grins, "and our powers don't work so well when we're angry." Big Getting-A-Clue Chris shoots a tentative look of recognition at his mom. "Don't worry," Raige sneers. "This bimbo couldn't hit the broad side of a beauty parlor." The titular blondes shriek at this, and Mange thrusts forward both Hands to demolish the sliding doors leading to the stairs. Big Not-Believing-This-Bullshit Chris gapes, and my, but he's pretty in this close-up. Piper evaluates the situation for the briefest of moments, then squeals, "Run!" The Glamorous Ladies scamper through the sliding doors' smoking wreckage and into the final commercial break.