Episode Report Card Shack: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT What Shack needs now is a frickin' break!
By Shack | Season 2 | Episode 20 | Aired on 05.18.2003
Commercials. When we return, Ryan reminds us that there's the whole show thing, and singing. Who is going to win? People shriek out their answers. Ooh! Clip shows. Ruben is first. They replay Ruben winning over the judges in the early rounds while Ruben's rendition of "Sweet Home, Alabama" plays as background music. Everybody loves Ruben. Everywhere. You love Ruben. YOU LOVE RUBEN! You are required to love Ruben. Loving Ruben is mandatory. Even though we all love Ruben, he ended up in the bottom two one week, causing everybody to forget that Trenyce existed. Oh, and everybody loves his smile.
Back on the stage, Ruben heads back out in his yellow pajamas and goes over to the couches. The kids are all gone, though the judges are still there. Ryan says stupid things. Ruben gives polite non-responses. Ryan reminds us all that Ruben recently returned home for a visit. I feel bad for the audience members who just heard all this already not thirty minutes ago. Ruben tells us how he reconnected with his old band and saw his old teachers. What did it feel like to have people in his hometown shrieking at him and running up to him and stuff? It was different. Real different. Fascinating.
To make up for the fact that Ruben has no actual personality of his own, they brought in his brother, Kevin, again for some special little Newlywed Game-type segment. They asked Ruben's brother several questions. They have Ruben try to predict his brother's responses. What food wouldn't Ruben eat? The choices are "sushi," "pesto," or "what kind of question is that?" Ruben says he hates sushi, so that's the answer, but on the tape, Kevin responds, "What kind of question is that?" Did Kevin support Ruben's singing when they were growing up? Those of us who remember the first round of finals will recall that Kevin used to beat Ruben up to try to get him to stop singing. Too bad nobody tried that on Corey. And the final question: At the age of twelve, why did Ruben knock Kevin out? It turns out that it was over a turkey sandwich. That's right -- Ruben cleaned Kevin's clock as a child and knocked him unconscious over food. As a kid. Isn't that hysterical and not at all a disturbing cry for help? Er…not that my sister and I got into a screaming, shoving, hair-pulling match once over who got the last of the orange juice when we were around that age or anything.
Ryan and Ruben blather on some more. Ruben recently had dinner with Neil Sedaka. I'm hearing radio ads for Sedaka's Vegas show now where I live, and his constant enthusiasm sounds even creepier when he's just a voice. He's really, really excited about everything. Sedaka gave the kids the sheet music for their performances of his songs. How utterly self-indulgent. I had a crazy ex-boss who insisted on giving me an autographed copy of a textbook he wrote, like anybody would fucking care at all. I just left it in the office. It's probably still there. Anyway, the story is just a segue into Ruben singing Sedaka's "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do" for us again. He smiles and warbles his way through the song. He sounds nice. Everybody loves him. People shout "Ruuuuuuuube!"