Episode Report Card Shack: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT What Shack needs now is a frickin' break!
By Shack | Season 2 | Episode 20 | Aired on 05.18.2003
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When we return, Paula's got her little pet Chihuahua sitting on her lap. The yippy little dog looks confused and addled. Insert your own joke about dogs looking like their owners. Simon snarks that the dog is Paula's scriptwriter. Anyway, next up is Clay. Clips! Clips! Clips! Clay was a geek. But he could sing. It is so shocking that a geek can sing! Geeks aren't supposed to sing! They're supposed to fix the computers and scream like little girls when you punch them in the shoulders! He lost on the semifinals, but won in the wild card round. And now he's in the final two. And he winks! Clay!
Clay heads out onto the stage in a tan suit that's two sizes too large and a mint-green shirt. He sits down next to the judges. Ryan insists that this is all "surreal" to Clay, because he was voted in during the wild card round. No, it would be surreal if Clay were actually a singing cactus voted on to the finals. The misuse of that word is getting up there with the misuse of "ironic" and "literally." Clay says it's "humbling" to be there. Why do these people think it's humbling to be all the rage of the media everywhere? Tell me how humbling it was again in three years when you're back to working with kids, Clay. Is Clay thinking about the whole fame thing because Kelly Clarkson's all big now and stuff? Yes. Yes he is. Ryan points out that Clay looks completely different from the way he used to look. How would he sum up his experiences on the show? What? How do those two statements correlate? Shut up, Ryan. Clay blathers about how amazing it is and all and he's still the same person and shut up, Clay.
And now Clay comes face-to-face with his scary, scary future. Ryan heads out to the audience and grabs some Clay fan and brings her back to the stage. Okay, this woman? She's wearing a black shirt with a pink cartoon outline of Clay's head with the word "Claymate" written above it in pink script. I think that's grounds enough for a restraining order, even if she never says anything even slightly threatening to Clay. Her name is Erin. Clay hugs her. Ryan escorts them over to the drinking fountain stools to give her a test of her Clay Aiken knowledge. How much was Clay Aiken's red pleather jacket? I burst into tears because, thanks to reading through thousands and thousands of Clay posts, I actually knew the answer to this question immediately. Kill me. I forgot Mother's Day, but I remembered how much Clay's jacket cost. Erin guesses correctly that it cost $1,200. Other people in the audience start cheering immediately, because they also immediately knew what the answer was. Clay is a little unnerved that she knew the answer. Ryan asks Erin what Clay's nickname was at the "Y." Hee! Hee! Hee! Oh, right. Kids, not gay locker room sex. Anyway, she knows the answer was "Gonzo." I cry some more because I knew it, too. Clay laughs uncomfortably. He's thinking, "If she knows what my blood type is, I'm just going to sprint for the fire exit." For the last question, Ryan asks Erin how old Clay was when he became a high school mascot. I sigh in relief, because I didn't know this one. He became the school's mascot at a mere five years of age. Jeez. Erin knows it. Clay is totally creeped out. This is your future, Clay. Strange women thinking every little thing about you is adorable. Run. Clay hugs Erin, who plants a tracking device on his back, then leaves.