Episode Report Card Keckler: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT A Hero Ain't Nothing But A Sandwich
By Keckler | Season 1 | Episode 23 | Aired on 05.07.2002
At the airlock, three Mazar-afia with Harvey Keitel ponytails step aboard. Captain Mazar-afia asks where V'Lar is, and Quantum starts to tell him that their last attack blew out a bunch of their systems, including a plasma explosion-thing. "I didn't ask for a damage report, where is she?" Captain Mazar-afia screams. "I was getting to that," Quantum bites out. "Her quarters are on E-Deck, she was no more than ten meters away when the conduit blew." "Her injuries are extensive. Plasma burns, neurological trauma," T'Pol lists. Captain Mazar-afia still insists on seeing V'Lar.
Sick Bay. Phlox looks at an e-chart of someone in the SCAT tube. "The Vulcan?" Captain Mazar-afia asks. "She's undergoing dermal regeneration," Phlox says, looking at the SCAT. Captain Mazar-afia orders him to open it. "I will not," Phlox says, incensed. "I don't know what business you have with this woman, but when she was brought in here, she became my patient! If I remove her from the imaging chamber prematurely, she'll die!" With a look from Captain Mazar-afia, the other two Mazarites pull out their weapons, and Captain Mazar-afia steps closer to Phlox. "Open it," he hisses. Phlox just widens his eyes.
Captain Mazar-afia's beeper goes off, and a voice from his ship reports that their sensors crashed. Captain Mazar-afia asks what caused it. "Enterprise is redirecting our jamming signal," the beeper voice says. Captain Mazar-afia throws a look to Quantum, who squares his chin in response. You know, turnabout is fair play. Or share and share jamming frequencies alike. Captain Mazar-afia steps back and signals to his men. "NO!" Phlox screams, his eyes glassy with tears as Quantum drags him out of range of fire. The Mazarites fire at the SCAT tube, and there's a pause as the e-chart above the tube bleep-bleeps a few times before flashing "System Failure" in red. Wow, Phlox's performance really got to me. We never see him act any other way than with unruffled placidity, even in the face of mortal danger to himself, and to see him get so emotional is quite moving. Especially because he was faking it. Captain Mazar-afia looks smug. That is, he looks smug until a blast from outside reverberates its shock waves against Enterprise.
In outer space, a very large tubular ship with a ring around it -- aw hell, nqllisi called a spade a spade when she called it T'Phallus -- heaves into view, firing on all the Mazar-afia ships. Captain Mazar-afia presses a button on his pink (hee!) beeper and demands a report. He gets static back. "Answer me! What's going on?" Captain Mazar-afia yells. Quantum says quietly, "I imagine they have their hands full right about now. I believe that's the Sh'Raan. She's a Vulcan combat cruiser, one of their most powerful, if I'm not mistaken." Hoshi comms Quantum that the captain of the T'Phallus wants to talk to him. Quantum orders her to put the captain through to Sick Bay. A Vulcan appears on the SCAT screen. "Captain Archer, are you in any danger?" Captain T'Phallus calmly asks. "You could say that," Quantum responds, eyeing the Mazar-afia. "Tell the Mazarites to turn over their weapons at once or we'll destroy their ships," Captain T'Phallus says, still comically calmly. I especially loved how he told Quantum to tell the Mazar-afia that when he knows full well the Mazar-afia can hear his every word. It's like they're so inconsequential, they are beneath him even giving them the direct order to relinquish their deadly weapons in the face of ultimate destruction. And that, my friends and foes, is why I love Vulcans. Captain Mazar-afia stares at the screen a few seconds before jerking his head at his men to hand over their weapons. T'Pol takes them. "We'll be standing by, Captain," Captain T'Phallus says, and hangs up. "We did what we came to do, that's all that matters," Captain Mazar-afia snits, and turns on his heel. As the doors of Sick Bay open, Captain Mazar-afia is confronted by the ghost of the murdered dead. V'Lar stands there, calmly. "I am sorry to disappoint you," V'Lar says. What's this?! They put one over on their enemies? But how is that possible? Captain Mazar-afia looks back at Quantum accusingly, enraged that he was tricked into not murdering someone Quantum was trying to protect. "I look forward to adding this incident to my testimony at your trial," V'Lar tells him. The Mazar-afia stomp out.
Quantum logs in, recounting that the Vulcans allowed the Mazar-afia to leave and that V'Lar says there's good reason for doing so. "Though she's certainly not sharing it with me," Quantum closes, and logs out. The inner door opens on the airlock to reveal two Vulcan attendants, who bow to V'Lar. V'Lar heaves a gusty sigh: "Some day I'd like to walk into a room without it seeming like a state visit." "Occupational hazard?" Quantum quips. V'Lar nods and sends her attendants away. She thanks Quantum for his help, and apologizes for being such trouble to him and his crew. Quantum Furrows that they were glad to be of service. V'Lar looks back and forth between Quantum and T'Pol. "I sense a great bond between you. A bond of trust and respect. But also, a bond of friendship. I think it bodes well for the future relations between our peoples," she says, still trying hard to channel Lwaxana Troi. You know what hurts more than an anvil landing on the bridge of your nose? Vomiting anvils after a scene like that. V'Lar sticks her hand out at Quantum, who takes it and says so long farewell. V'Lar turns to T'Pol. "Live long and prosper," she says. No hand-sign-thing-that-I-am-physically-incapable-of-doing, though. T'Pol bows, and V'Lar leaves. The doors slide shut with the camera on T'Pol's face and Quantum fuzzily Furrowing behind her. I think that's Supposed To Mean Something.