Episode Report Card Sobell: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Alexander And The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
By Sobell | Season 3 | Episode 1 | Aired on 09.16.2007
Michael walks through the now-bustling Sona courtyard looking all pissy. This is, of course, the cue for a teenaged inmate in a basketball jersey to come rushing up to him: "America! I love America!" Without breaking stride, Michael tells the kid, "Whatever you're selling, I'm not buying." The kid protests that he only wants to talk basketball. He tosses Michael a soccer ball, but takes it back and runs off as a mean-looking dude comes over and growls, "Let's go, Blanco. Orientation." (By the way, I believe this is the guy who snapped the neck of the other inmate in the previous night's brawl. No wonder the kid skedaddled.) Michael says he's not interested, and the other guy flashes a knife and growls, "It's not for you to decide."
We then go to a TV; it's frozen on a woman who looks like she's about to go into warrior pose II. However, I am like the "Don't" poster child for yoga -- hamstrings that don't stretch, a complete lack of balance, a tendency to fall asleep during savasana -- so don't take my word for it. The point it, someone wants to get serene and bendy without dealing with Rodney Yee and his shrink-wrapped body parts. We see the extended hand of someone following along at home, and the nun getting dressed in the background. That she was undressed and wearing something a bride of Christ wouldn't even contemplate on the honeymoon night more or less tells us we're looking at a hooker with a plucky entrepreneurial streak.
We get a good look at the guy and -- hey! It's Bunny Colvin from The Wire. Oh, Bunny, the private sector has been rough on you. The new inmates are ushered in; Michael and Mahone somehow end up standing next to one another. Bunny puts on a shirt and says in an accent that implies he's from Exotica, the capital city of Jamesbondisvillainstan, that he hopes the first night filled with murder, mayhem, and mud hasn't put anyone's nerves on edge. Michael just blue-steels through the entire expository speech. Bunny AKA Lechero says, "Since the riots last year, they left us here to rot. They figured we would just destroy ourselves. But instead, we thrived...thanks to the Canal, Panama is now a breeding ground for international crime. Twenty-seven different nationalities we have here -- but not one gang. Not one racially-motivated incident, huh. It's just me. Egalitarianism, I believe is the word?" Lechero gets in Mahone's face to ask if he got it right; Mahone is too far gone in the shakes to reply, "No, actually, I think you have it confused with 'despotism.'"
Lechero then asks if there's anything the prisoners would like to tell him. Wow -- even prisoners can't get away from the dreaded "sharing circle" in orientations. Michael looks at Mahone before declining to reply; Lechero does not miss that. He comes over and says levelly, "I don't think you're telling me the truth, Mr. Scofield." And indeed, they get CNN inside Sona. The hooker -- who has not bothered buttoning up her habit, because her real act of charity is letting everyone get an eyeful of the funbags -- is watching this with interest. I guess she's a CNN fan. Anyway, Lechero seems to be operating under the assumption that Michael enjoys his high-profile fugitive status; he barks, "You're not a superstar here! You realize that, don't you?" Michael veils the power of the Blue Steel as he mumbles, "I'm not going to make waves." Lechero replies, "It wouldn't be within your power." Then Michael gives him the Blue Steel, as if to say, Oh, yeah? Do you want some of THIS?