Episode Report Card Sobell: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Alexander And The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
By Sobell | Season 3 | Episode 1 | Aired on 09.16.2007
Back in Sona, people are beginning to make book on the coming fight. T-Bag flits around, unsure how to place his bet. As Lechero and his posse go by, they're busy expositing on what a brutal, brutal thug Michael's up against, and they bump into another prisoner. The other guy happens to spill some water on Lechero's shoes, and after Lechero determines that yes, he has this guy intimidated, he's all nicey-smiley.
As the guys head back to their HQ, T-Bag sidles up and toadies with, "Surely it's below a man of your status to walk around all sticky-like?" Lechero is amused. He asks, "What do you propose?" T-Bag kneels, raises his drinking cup, and says, "Ablution." Oh my gosh, somewhere there's a corporate office missing a vice president of fraud. T-Bag ladles on more flattery with "A humble sign of friendship from a stranger who's come into your house." Then there's a truly delightful little sandal-washing tableaux, but really, I am marveling that in less than twenty-four hours, T-Bag has managed to stay dressed and procure a cup of fresh water, and he's down a hand. What does that say about Bellick?
Cut to Michael sitting on his bunk, swinging the chicken foot and brooding on his imminent crunchy beating. Mahone comes over and says, "Go for the kneecap. You hit it straight-on, it'll buckle and take the guy out of commission." Michael smirks and asks, "Fighting dirty? That's your secret?" Mahone replies, "I didn't think there was any such thing as clean in a place like this." That is a lot less flip than my reply, which would have asked College Boy there to calculate the odds of his opponent in a fixed fight adhering to the Marquis of Queensbury rules. Michael adds snidely, "It almost sounds like you care." Mahone disabuses him of that notion: "You're my 'get out of jail free' card. Just survive. Kneecap -- really hard." He leaves, and we go to Michael, who looks like he's about to vomit up his central nervous system from sheer terror.
Out in the prison yard, everyone's all excited. First a random runner and now a fight? Best day in prison ever! Bellick sidles up to Michael, ostensibly to wish him luck, but really to slip a piece of paper in his pocket. This weirds Michael out even more. He walks to the center of the yard looking like a condemned man.
Michael looks up at Lechero's patio on the second floor. It does not escape his notice that T-Bag's now standing at Lechero's left. The other guy comes out, hands off his crucifix to someone else, and heads into the circle. Bellick also manages to get a slip of paper in his pants. Lechero grandstands for a moment, because Sona lacks any inmates willing to put on the bikini and high heels and prance around the ring holding the round card over their head, and lord knows the inmates demand a show. He reminds everyone that there are no weapons allowed, and rules are important because without them, we're savages, and then the fight is on.
Or is it? Michael shouts, "I'm not going to fight." T-Bag has a sideways look like, Uh-oh. I smell a crafty scheme brewing. Lechero sits back, perhaps expecting the other guy to shrug and just commence the beating. And then, as the other guy turns around to look at Lechero, Michael darts in and kicks him hard in the kneecap, straight on. The Foley guys outdo themselves on the crunching sounds, and the big guy goes down like the Nielsen numbers on this week's premiere episode. On the sidelines, Mahone starts excitedly and mutters, "Get him." Surprisingly, Michael does. He channels a bit of the LINCOLN SMASH action and beats the big guy down until he's flat on his back on the ground.