Episode Report Card Jessica: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Hotel New Hampshire
By Jessica | Season 5 | Episode 8 | Aired on 11.27.2001
Honeymoon suite. Okay. So, you know what's in store for us here, right? Everyone got their supplies? Barf bags? Red-hot pokers? Sharp objects suitable for eye-gouging? Acid with which to bathe? All right. I'm going in. Dawson's lying on the bed, thinking. Jen comes out of the bedroom, wearing pink flannel PJs. She wonders what he's thinking about. "Dad," Dawson sighs. "In a good way. In a really good way." I'm not going to touch that comment with one of these red-hot pokers here. "It was so nice to remember him," he says. "And for the first time, I was finally able to appreciate what a great father he was and how lucky I was to have known him, without feeling guilty." Jen sits down on the edge of the bed. Oh, God. Let's just get it over with. Like a Band-Aid. Rip it off! "I dare say I'm happy," Dawson muses, because the very possibility of getting laid turns him into a character from Sense and Sensibility. Jen hopes so, she says, and pats him on the knee. He thanks her. They do it. There, the end!
Okay, fine. Fine! I hope you appreciate this! I could go blind, people! What is about to happen here could cause me to lose my sight! I'm a writer, you know! I have to be able to see! Dawson says something about Jen always being there for him, and how much that means to him. Jen tells him that "it was the least [she] could do for a guy who restores [her] faith in the opposite sex." To Dawson's credit, he giggles incredulously at this. Because nothing's better than incredulous giggling whilst losing one's virginity. Jen explains that even though it "didn't work out" for them, he remained her friend. "Why didn't it work out between us?" Dawson wonders. Jen snorts, and reminds him that he was in love with Joey. And then she reminds us that she "hurled [herself] at [him] in a humiliating fashion." Dawson chuckles that he "really enjoyed" that part, but admits that she was the first girl who ever "tore [his] heart out." Then they do it. The end.
Okay, FINE. So, Jen is all shocked that their break-up affected Dawson so strongly. He knows, he says, that their relationship didn't work out because she was "never physically attracted to him." He doesn't mention how ass-y he was about her Notorious New York Past. "Is that what you think?" Jen asks. And then she leans in and kisses him. Dawson looks shocked. The wocka-wocka music of Eminent Deflowering chugs along on the soundtrack. They mack. Ew. Ew. EW. EWWWWWW. Ew. Ew. Ew. Oh, ewwwww. EW! Oh, God, bare skin. Ew. ACK! No! Not the shirt! EW! Ewww. Ew! EWWW! V3ty03 8tygnHKB GG'bnpgi8 hgnv. I'm sorry. I think I lost consciousness there for a brief moment.