Previously, on Dawson's Landing; blah blah Dawson blah blah Dawson, blah blah blah blah Dawson.
True Love II: True Love Means Sleeping With That Waitress At The Restaurant. Pacey. Dawson. Coffee. Kibitzing. "For the most part, I'm fine," Dawson wearily assures Pacey. Pacey peers at the Head (I just typed that as "the Heave." Freudian slip much?) with well-faked concern. "Even though you're not going down in flames right now, you do have something on your mind," Pacey says. "So why don't you tell me what's on your mind?" Dawson swears that nothing is on his mind, "really." It's just that…he doesn't know what to do with himself. He knows he doesn't want to go back to USC, but that's about all he knows. Pacey advises Dawson to give himself "a break" and give it all some time. "Before you know it, you'll be back in the saddle," he chortles, as he slides out of the banquette and goes to make himself a sandwich. Mmmm, sandwiches. Pacey reminds Dawson that he, Pacey Witter, is the resident slacking expert, and that a little bit of doing nothing will do Dawson a world of good. Dawson informs Pacey that "that self-deprecating stuff" doesn't really work anymore, not now that he's all Mr. King Kitchen. Pacey shrugs. "What can I say? I love the kitchen life," he says. He slides back into the banquette with his snack, and muses that part of the package of said "kitchen life" is "grill-side drama." I guess those of us in a regular office setting have to settle for "Xerox-side drama," or "coffee-maker-side drama." Insert some bitching about She Who Shall Not Be Recapped, and Pacey's "very poorly thought-out attraction to her," like, is that a meta statement by the writers or what? "Do you want to talk about it?" Dawson asks. Because being a Poor Fatherless Child has given him a Newfound Interest In The Problems Of Others. Pacey shakes his head and tells Dawson not to "trouble [himself]" with it. He has enough on his mind, after all. Dawson looks at his coffee cup and clears his throat and tells Pacey that he knows Pacey will "find a way to help the girl." Pacey sort of peers at him. "Is that so?" he asks. Dawson looks up at him. "Without a doubt," he says. Wait, are we still talking about Karen? I don't get it. Maybe if one of the writers could drive over to my house and hit me on the head several times with a ball-peen hammer, things would be a little bit clearer. Because it almost seems like they might be talking about Pacey's relationship with that brown-haired girl. What's her name again? Frankie? Whatever.
Have I mentioned that I'm beginning to think that Grams is dead? I fear that February sweeps will feature a Very Special Episode in which Jen discovers Grams's cold, dead body submerged in a Deadly Vat Of Crème Fraiche. Jen and Joey study at the kitchen table of the soon-to-be-bequeathed-to-Jen house in Boston. They both look a little the worse for wear, and Jen eventually pushes away her book (The Agony and the Non-Ecstasy: Deflowering Your Friends For Dummies) and suggests a study break. She's been "nodding off to the same sentence to the point of drool." Joey agrees, and pours them both a cup of coffee, asking after Jack. "Deep in the land of frat," Jen tells her. Joey nods and exposits that she's Jack's date for the Sigma Ew formal that evening. Jen furrows her brow and admits that she heard something about said formal. "But to be quite honest, all that Greek-speak sounds like, well, Greek to me." Joey seems sort of uncomfortable about being Jack's beard for the night, and wonders why Jen isn't doing it. "Watching Jack pretend to be one with the thick-necked brotherhood? Bleagh," Jen says, wrinkling her nose. Joey timidly offers that it can't possibly be that bad. Jen snorts that she's pretty sure Grams has some "prescription medicine" that might help Joey through the night. This is the second time in four episodes that Grams and prescription medication have been mentioned in the same breath. Is it possible that the writers are setting up a Grams Is Addicted To Prescription Medication story arc, sort of a senior-citizen homage to Valley of the Dolls, in which Grams starts wearing fur-lined mules and marabou-trimmed dressing gowns and throwing Waterford crystal vases at Jen? Because I'd really enjoy that. Also: if Sigma Ew is so forward-thinking and all, why isn't Jack bringing some hot guy to the dance? He is still gay, right? And from what I understand, he does date men, correct? I really don't understand why he needs to bring a girl to the formal. Although maybe he just wants to bring Joey along as a friend. I don't know. Anyway, Joey doesn't think she'll need drugs to get through the night. She sips her coffee and sucks her lips into her mouth and asks how Dawson's doing. "You're asking me?" Jen asks. Joey admits that she hasn't seen him for a while. "I guess I just needed to know that he's doing all right," she says. Jen nods and tells Joey that Dawson is "better," that he's in therapy. "That's exactly what I needed to hear," Joey says. Because she knows that if there's anything the Head needs, it's an opportunity to talk about himself to someone who's getting paid for it. She admits that "it's been hard" not to be the one to see Dawson through his Time Of Need. On the other hand, she admits, she's actually okay with not doing the seeing through, even if admitting that makes her feel like a jerk. "Oh, stop it Joey, you're not a jerk," Jen protests. Joey half-smiles at her and says that she can't think of "a better person" to help Dawson than Jen. "I'm really happy that you're there for him," Joey says. Jen smiles wanly. "Thank you," she says.
Fraternity of the Corn. Bull stands in front of the fireplace, trying to get the attention of his chattering brothers. "Simmer down, ladies," he says. " No offense, Jack." Everyone chuckles, especially Jack. Bull announces that they've all got a lot to do to prepare for the formal, and "precious little time." Bull exposits that this formal is Sigma Ew's biggest event of the semester, and therefore "must be perfect." Also: "Everybody must get laid!" Cue the high-fives and cheering. Classy. Anyway, Bull says that, in order to assist the men who don't have dates, they're putting together a list of available and easy hotties. Again: classy. "I need names, people," Bull says, "decent-looking honeys, ready to put out!" Someone says something about "those fine-ass Worthington chicks," and everyone turns to Jack. "Come on, dog," one of the Frat Rats says, "we know you got some hottie friends. And we know you're not looking to score with them." Jack chuckles good-naturedly and admits that he knows a girl who "meets the specified requirements." A fratty blond perched on the arm of the sofa claims to have "dibs on whatever [Jack's] got," because he's seen "the quality chicks McPhee hangs with." Bull points at Fratty and says that "Eric's got himself a date." Much "woo"-ing ensues. I'm not even going to justify that scene with a response. I mean it. "Dog"? "Quality chicks"? "Decent-looking honeys"? Seriously, no one talks like that.
Pacey. She Who Shall Not Be Recapped. Dinner? Couldn't possibly. Not a date! "It's an opportunity to compare and contrast. A free trial run of a life without heartache," Pacey tells This Person. She can't! Oh, but she can. In fact, Pacey promises to "leave all the kinky underwear at home." Completely platonic? "A friendly outing on the town, nothing more." You Know Who gives into The Power Of Pacey and agrees to accompany him out on the town.
Dawson at the Psychiatrist's: A Drama in One Act. Blah blah "let me take off my glasses, so as to appear more sensitive and caring," blah blah "my voice cracks and breaks more often than a fourteen-year-old boy's," blah blah "go to the film festival, take Jen with you, and get laid."
WXYZ. Jen's at the controls, dedicating a song to "everyone suffering the pain of a break-up." She cues up a little Liz Phair. "Trust me," she says, "better things will come." And that better thing is Dawson? Ew, did I just make an ejaculation joke about the Head? Damn, I did it again! Kill me now. Jen's rocking out to the music when Charlie's Other Girlfriend, Nora, knocks on the window. Jen waves her in and tells her that Charlie's not around. Although, she admits, it wouldn't matter to her if he were. "I think time has really done its healing thing," Jen says. Nora wishes she were that strong. Charlie's latest ploy to win them back has almost been working on her, she says. Jen furrows her brow. "His whole 'I've changed' pitch," Nora clarifies. "All his corny love letters?" Jen looks stricken. "I don't know which love letters you mean," she says. "Hasn't he been sending you letters?" Nora asks, looking around for some salt to season the foot she's found in her mouth. "No," Jen says, looking upset, but covering it fairly well. Nora yelps, but Jen assures her that she's just fine. Fine!
Cut to an Anonymous Boston Coffee Shop, With Lots Of Overstuffed Sofas And Purple Armchairs, Which Will One Day Be Transformed Into A Starbucks. Jen's hugging her knees and sobbing to Dawson. "I want corny love letters!" she wails. Sniffling, she asks Dawson why Charlie picked Nora to continue to torture with his boyish good looks and irritating habit of unfaithfulness. "Is there something wrong with me?" Dawson assures her that there is nothing whatsoever wrong with her. Jen snurfles that she thought Charlie was "cheating on equal ground," but, really, she was just "the floozy." Dawson cracks up. "The floozy?" Jen wrinkles her face up and wails anew. "That's what I am!" she cries. Then she worries aloud that Dawson shouldn't be consoling her; it's supposed to be the other way around. Dawson shakes his head and tells her "it's the least" he can do. Jen wipes her nose and complains that Boston is "the last place" she wants to be. "The thought of running into either of them makes me want to puke," she says. Dawson makes a thoughtful face and asks her if she feels like getting out of Boston for the weekend. "I'm game," Jen says. "Where do you want to go?" Dawson suggests Aruba. Not really -- Hooksett, New Hampshire. But you knew that.
Worthington University, Home of the Fighting Floozies. Audrey and Joey are primping for the Sigma Ew formal. Audrey has unfortunately opted for crimped hair, which, now and forever, screams "seventh grade!" to me. Joey looks awesome, if a bit costume-y, in a gorgeous vintage full-skirted dress and a retro up-do. Audrey's really excited about the formal, she says, even if the whole last-minute-date thing is a bit tacky. Joey is less enthusiastic, telling her roommate that she's sure "it's just another night of frat debauchery masquerading as an event." Audrey rolls her eyes. "Okay, killjoy," she says, putting on her lipstick. "First off, Jack said this Eric guy is hella cute." "Hella"? No one from Los Angeles says "hella." A girl of Audrey's lineage would say "totally." Trust me. Although I guess Audrey could have picked it up from one of her many boy-toys. College is all about learning new things, after all. Anyway, she thinks it's "amazing" how closed-minded Joey is about frats. Joey makes a series of mopey faces, until Audrey strolls over and cups Joey's face in her palm. "Joey. We are going on a double date. A little cheer, please?" she asks. Audrey is my girlfriend. Joey finally cracks a grin. "At least I'll have fun with Jack, right?" she says. That's like saying, "I have a date with that nice Ted Bundy! I can't wait!" Finally, Jack and Eric knock knock knock on their chamber door, and Audrey races to pose herself seductively behind Joey. Hugs and kisses between Jack and Joey; appraising glances between Audrey and Fratty Eric, who dubs her a "stone fox." I haven't heard that phrase since -- well, since I was crimping my hair, actually. Audrey smiles back at him flirtatiously. "You'll have to do," she tells him.
Hooksett Cherry-Picking Festival. Dawson and Jen are checking in with some Quirky New Englander, who squeals when Dawson gives her his name. "You're totally wicked cute!" she tells him. "Way cuter than your picture!" Oh my God, so many snide comments are racing through my brain right now that I think my head might explode. Jen snorts. "Oh, is this your girlfriend?" QNE asks, wrinkling her nose. Jen snorts louder. QNE rolls her eyes and starts processing their paperwork, as some Other Quirky New Englander (Male) strolls up and starts reading over her shoulder. "Your movie's awesome," he tells the Head. The screening of A.I. Brooks: Thanks for the Cash is all sold out. And Dawson "beat Oliver." We pan over to Oliver, who is, apparently, the Dawson of Hooksett. He looks very much like Nicholas Brendan. He's, like, the poor man's Xander. Call him, say, "Pander." Apparently, Pander has won The Hooksett Memorial Film Festival For Guys With Dead Gay Dads (or whatever), for, like, four years in a row. OQNE isn't very impressed with Pander, though. "If you ask me, he's kind of retarded," he tells Dawson and Jen, sotto voce. QNE smacks him. "He's eccentric, Trevor. Gawd!" Dawson and Jen exchange amused looks.
Dawson and Jen stroll down the hall of the Hotel New Hampshire to their room. Unlike the Hotel New Hampshire in the John Irving book of the same name, this place doesn't seem to feature a lesbian in a bear suit, a gaggle of whores, or any bomb-wielding fascists. It's a shame, really. Anyway, Jen's all telling Dawson that she doesn't want to leave, even though the Film Festival seems bit wack. "What better way to spend an evening than as the girlfriend of the biggest celebrity in town?" she cracks, as Dawson swings open their bedroom door. It's the honeymoon suite, all heart-shaped pillows and fruit baskets. Dawson bursts out laughing. "Gee, honey, you shouldn't have," Jen says.
Frat Party of the Corn. Eric's rico suave frat brothers loudly congratulate him on landing such a honey of an escort. "Way to deliver, man! You scored, Big Daddy! Scored!" Such are the words from the men of Sigma Ew. Poetry, no? Joey gives Jack a quizzical look. "They're just being idiots," Jack tells her. Joey accepts this and looks around and tells Jack that it's really a shame that Jen isn't there to enjoy the party. "Maybe I should call her," Joey says. "No can do," Jack responds distractedly, "she's gone for the weekend with Dawson." Joey looks slightly taken aback, but covers her surprise with a big fake smile.
House Of Lobster: Complete With No Chemistry Whatsoever! Pacey and She Who Shall Not Be Recapped finish up their sumptuous shellfish extravaganza. "Was this good, or was this good?" Pacey asks The Person Across the Table. This Person agrees that the meal was pretty decent. Pacey congratulates himself on keeping them in "a crowded place," because he "wouldn't want [SWSNBR] to be tempted to jump [him] on [their] non-date evening." You Know Who forces a smile. "Well, you are wearing that really sexy outfit," she says, nodding at Pacey's lobster bib. He looks down at his chest and mock-grimaces. "Damn!" he says, tearing off the bib. At long last, and as her expensive dinner begins to digest in her belly, SWSNBR tells Pacey that she's having a good time. "I know you don't like hearing this, [name removed due to the embargo], but you deserve better than [Chef Danny]," Pacey says. Albeit with fewer brackets. Pacey muses that This Person "deserves someone who's going to be there, loving [her] back just as hard." SWSNBR looks thoughtful.
Jen and Dawson wander out of the Hooksett movie theatre. The marquee reads Smoke Crack and Worship Satan, which is possibly the funniest thing I've ever seen on this show. It may be the only funny thing I've ever seen on this show. "Okay, that was good," Jen says. Dawson replies, something about wondering how he managed to beat that SCaWS, but I don't hear him because I'm distracted by Jen's outfit. There's a hat…and a scarf worn as a man's tie…and black-lined lower lids. Michelle Williams is pretty, but…don't. Just don't. She looks like the love child of Diane Keaton and the girls from Heart. Anyway, Dawson's still wondering how the Flash managed to win him this prize (from beyond the grave, no less!), but Jen interrupts, telling him that it "has to stop." He cocks a massive, caterpillar-like brow. "You have a tremendous talent, so would you please stop putting yourself down?" Jen asks. Dawson looks askance at her. "Or I'll have to break up with you," she threatens. Dawson smiles. "You can't break up with me!" he tells her. "You'll never break up with me. The physical attraction is too strong." Oh, ew. I mean, they're fine together; Dawson is almost likeable with Jen, and Jen…well, Michelle Williams is a good actress. For example: "You got me there, tiger," Jen says, wiggling her hips in his direction. Believably! Well, more or less. I managed not to vomit. And I have a bucket to the sofa just in case and everything. Pander strolls up, interrupting this love-fest, and shakes Dawson's hand. "Hey, Leery," he drawls, "your movie better be good." He's won three years in a row, he says, and he won't be "usurped by a Hollywood slickster. It's just not cool." Dawson looks befuddled, as Pander turns to Jen. "Hi," he breathes. "You're really pretty." Then he runs off. I can't decide if Pander is charmingly bizarre, or irritatingly retarded. Jen and Dawson stare at each other. "Who's going to argue?" Jen asks, shrugging her shoulders.
Pacey and SWSNBR. Anti-banter. Pacey compliments You Know Who on not yelling at him, or complaining. See, this is a problem in a relationship, when the big compliment isn't, you know, "you look gorgeous," or "you're hysterically funny," or "your spot-on insights into pop culture make me weak in the knees," but rather, "thanks for not making me cry." SWSNBR tells Pacey not to "ruin the moment with unnecessary compliments." They stroll up the walkway to You Know Who's door, as Pacey tells This Person that he thinks they ought to "ruin this night silly with unnecessary flattery!" SWSNBR just giggles at him, which is a fairly realistic reaction toward Charming, Charming, Leather-Coated Pacey. You Know Who tells him she "had a great time." She leans against the doorjamb. "Yeah, I'll take that," Pacey says, grinning. She stares. He gazes. He leans into kiss her cheek, but SWSNBR turns at the last moment and smacks him right on the mouth. They eat each other's faces.
She Who Shall Not Be Recapped and Pacey stumble into You Know Who's apartment, ripping off their clothes and knocking over lamps and rolling around on the sofa. This episode is just full of the sex! It's a sexpisode!
Hooksett: Where Boys Become Men. The credits of A.I Brooks: Money For Nothing (Chicks For Free) begin to roll, as the crowd gives Dawson a standing ovation. I knew I'd need that vomit bowl eventually. Dawson looks alternately stunned and pleased as the lights come up and some old dude wanders up to the lectern. When the Old Dude first saw A.I. Brooks: Give Me Some Money, Old Man!, he says, he knew he was "in the hands of a talented filmmaker. But [he] was equally moved by a letter that accompanied the submission." An ice-cream stained letter from the Flash. Dawson shoots Jen a surprised and thrilled and sad look. Shockingly, it's not all that obnoxious. Jen gazes sympathetically at her lap. The Old Dude tells the crowd that he received Dawson's movie late, but made an exception. "After five minutes, I knew Mitch Leery was right -- I absolutely could not ignore his son's work." With this, he introduces the Head. Who gets another standing ovation. Even Pander claps wildly. People actually "woo!" Dawson stares out at the crowd. "I don't know what to say," he begins, and then talks for twenty minutes about the Flash, and how he used to take Dawson to the movies all the time and they'd talk about the film and blah blah blah. Jen looks happy and sympathetic all at the same time. "Thank you so much. For this award. And for receiving this film so warmly," Dawson says haltingly. "I dedicate this film. To my dad. And I will remember him. Every time I look at [the award]. Thank you." Everyone claps. Jen looks all teary. "And a very special thank you to my girlfriend, Jen Lindley," Dawson finishes. Jen bursts out laughing.
The Frat House. Audrey and Eric sit outside. She looks bored. He's talking about bench-pressing. "So, what gym do you go to?" Eric asks. Audrey just rolls her eyes. Eric tries to put his arm around her. "What are you doing?" she asks him. He removes the appendage and goes to get them some more drinks. Audrey looks peeved.
Jack's knocking down drinks at the bar. Enter Eric. "Hey, McPhee! I'm beginning to think you lied to me, man," he complains. Apparently, Eric feels that Audrey is "all tease and no please." That is so romantic. Where are my tissues? Jack promises Eric that Audrey will "come around." Eric protests that's he's tried all his "best lines and moves" and gotten nothing. Nothing! "What if she turns out to be prude[sic]?" Eric whines. Okay, since when is "prude" an adjective? "Prude" is a noun! What is wrong with the kids today? Jesus! "The last thing Audrey is is prude [sic]," Jack promises. And guess who hears that last bit? Little Joey Potter. Her face turns all stony and disappointed. The boys laugh together. "Audrey's easy all right," Jack continues. "She's just looking for a good time." Joey's face is getting more and more stony and more and more disappointed. Jack tells Eric to "play [his] cards right," and Audrey will be all his. After receiving this moving bit of romantic advice, Eric runs off and Jack turns around to see Joey glaring at him. She fixes him with one last glare and stalks off.
The Apartment Of She Who Shall Not Be Recapped. Apres sex. SWSNBR smokes on the sofa. Pacey wanders out of the other room. Sorry, Pacey fans: he's not naked. This isn't Buffy. They stare at each other. Pacey says that he knows this is "complicated" and that he "hasn't helped," but "there's no reason [they] can't work this out." SWSNBR flatly informs him that they're not in a relationship. She's the crabbiest woman alive. "Why the hell did you start this in the first place?" You Know Who spits. And you wonder why I'm boycotting her? Okay, you probably don't wonder. Pacey sputters that You Know Who kissed him! "You're not worth what I'm risking," This Person spits. Dude, burn. "So, then, why did you do it?" Pacey asks. She just watches as the light bulb goes on over his head. "Did you sleep with me to get back at [Chef Danny]?" Pacey asks. SWSNBR mutters that it's not that simple. Pacey tells her that it is, in fact, that simple. And he leaves.
Film Festival Of Pain. Pander scrambles over to Dawson, telling him that he "used to think [he] was the only geek in America who knew who A.I. Brooks was." Then he calls the movie "fantastic" and tells Dawson that he was "blown away." Dawson thanks him. "You're not half the goon I thought you were," Pander says. "Do you hear that, America?" he asks, turning to the camera. "Dawson isn't half the goon you think he is! He's a stud! Wait! Wait and see!" They talk a bit about USC, Dawson telling Pander that he dropped out. Oh-so-conveniently, it turns out that Pander attends a "very weird visual arts place full of freaks and misfits in Boston." He thinks it might suit Dawson, he says, handing Dawson his card. College students have cards? I don't even have any cards. "Check it out," Pander says. Dawson says he will, as they both look up to see Jen coming toward them. "Here comes your girl," Pander says. Dawson starts to correct him, but his voice trails off as Jen crosses the dance floor, her hair blowing in the wind, "Foxy Lady" playing on the soundtrack. Sort of. Jen smiles at the film geeks, as both of their jaws basically drop to the floor. "You're still really pretty," Pander tells her. "Thank you," Jen says. Pander thinks they make a great couple. An anvil pins my left foot to the floor. "Do you hear that, baby?" Jen coos, after Pander leaves them. "You're lucky to have me." Dawson grins. "That's an understatement if I ever heard one," he tells her.
Frat Par-tay! Woo! Joey angrily demands to know how Jack thinks he can get away with talking about Audrey like that! Jack protests that Joey used to say the same things! "That was before I knew her! I wasn't selling her to the highest bidder!" Joey sputters. Jack dismisses his behavior as "stupid, mindless fun." Joey's eyes blaze fire. She can't believe he just said that! Wow, for a second, it's almost like she's not cold and dead inside after all. "Jack, what happened to you?" she asks, telling him that he's turned into a real jerk. The minute he got to Boston, she says, he dropped the Capesiders and "got new friends." Jack insists that he "feels at home" at Sigma Ew, that the boys are his brothers, blah blah blah brainwashing. ["So at home that he's bringing a girl to a formal dance when he's gay? Right. Nice try, Kerr -- I mean, 'Jack.'" -- Sars] Joey snipes that it must be "easier to be one of the meatheads." Meatheads all over the world write angry and offended letters to the WB. Jack tells Joey that she "doesn't know" his bros. "Well, I really don't want to run off and meet 'em all, now that I know they're wannabe pimps," Joey snaps. Is it wrong that I laughed at that line? Katie Holmes delivered it amusingly. Jack mutters about how judgmental Joey can be when something doesn't meet her "standard of righteousness." Joey's eyes bug out of her head. "'Standard of righteousness'?" she squawks. "Jack, try common decency and respect!" Jack rolls his eyes and tells her that no one is "forcing" anyone to be there. Joey sets her mouth and smirks at him. "That's true. No one's forcing me to be here," she says, and leaves. Maybe she's looking for a lunch tray to smack him with.
Honeymoon suite. Okay. So, you know what's in store for us here, right? Everyone got their supplies? Barf bags? Red-hot pokers? Sharp objects suitable for eye-gouging? Acid with which to bathe? All right. I'm going in. Dawson's lying on the bed, thinking. Jen comes out of the bedroom, wearing pink flannel PJs. She wonders what he's thinking about. "Dad," Dawson sighs. "In a good way. In a really good way." I'm not going to touch that comment with one of these red-hot pokers here. "It was so nice to remember him," he says. "And for the first time, I was finally able to appreciate what a great father he was and how lucky I was to have known him, without feeling guilty." Jen sits down on the edge of the bed. Oh, God. Let's just get it over with. Like a Band-Aid. Rip it off! "I dare say I'm happy," Dawson muses, because the very possibility of getting laid turns him into a character from Sense and Sensibility. Jen hopes so, she says, and pats him on the knee. He thanks her. They do it. There, the end!
Okay, fine. Fine! I hope you appreciate this! I could go blind, people! What is about to happen here could cause me to lose my sight! I'm a writer, you know! I have to be able to see! Dawson says something about Jen always being there for him, and how much that means to him. Jen tells him that "it was the least [she] could do for a guy who restores [her] faith in the opposite sex." To Dawson's credit, he giggles incredulously at this. Because nothing's better than incredulous giggling whilst losing one's virginity. Jen explains that even though it "didn't work out" for them, he remained her friend. "Why didn't it work out between us?" Dawson wonders. Jen snorts, and reminds him that he was in love with Joey. And then she reminds us that she "hurled [herself] at [him] in a humiliating fashion." Dawson chuckles that he "really enjoyed" that part, but admits that she was the first girl who ever "tore [his] heart out." Then they do it. The end.
Okay, FINE. So, Jen is all shocked that their break-up affected Dawson so strongly. He knows, he says, that their relationship didn't work out because she was "never physically attracted to him." He doesn't mention how ass-y he was about her Notorious New York Past. "Is that what you think?" Jen asks. And then she leans in and kisses him. Dawson looks shocked. The wocka-wocka music of Eminent Deflowering chugs along on the soundtrack. They mack. Ew. Ew. EW. EWWWWWW. Ew. Ew. Ew. Oh, ewwwww. EW! Oh, God, bare skin. Ew. ACK! No! Not the shirt! EW! Ewww. Ew! EWWW! V3ty03 8tygnHKB GG'bnpgi8 hgnv. I'm sorry. I think I lost consciousness there for a brief moment.
And we go to commercial. Hang on while I go bathe in lye. Be right back.
Blissful post-coital music swells as Jen smiles beatifically and strokes the sleeping Dawson's weave. Heh -- the way the sheets are arranged, he just looks like a severed head. That would have been awesome! Alas, he opens his eyes and gazes at her. "Look at you, smiling," Jen purrs. "So, that's what everyone's talking about," Dawson says. It's not what he imagined. It's even better. I am going to vomit. Again. "You were…" he begins. "We," Jen corrects him. "We were." They kiss. Dawson blinds me with his bare chest and patchy-ass chest hair. Jen lays her head on said chest. He pats her and smiles peacefully. I think I can still see. Well, out of this one eye, anyway.
Liberty Hell. Pacey marches in, stomps right up to Chef Danny, and quits. "This is about [SWSNBR]?" Chef Danny asks wearily. Pacey tells him that "things are complicated." He didn't "mean for it to happen," he says. Chef Danny grits his teeth and tells Pacey that he, Pacey, did mean for it to happen. "You don't have to lie to me about it," he says, turning a page in his account book angrily. Pacey gets all self-righteous here about the whole cheating thing, and accuses Chef Danny of putting him in the middle of things. I guess the boat-borrowing did bring Pacey into the mix, but he could have simply asked Chef Danny not to use his place for a love nest and then kept his big mouth shut. Just a suggestion. Also, lay off the gel, Pace. Chef Danny rolls his eyes and tells Pacey that You Know Who already quit. He apologizes for borrowing the boat, and for "shattering [Pacey's] image of [him]." Then he tells him that the job is still Pacey's, if he wants it. Pacey just walks out. Could Pacey's storylines be any more boring? I wish he'd get a job as, like, an Elvis impersonator or a male stripper or something.
The day. Worthington. Joey opens her dorm-room door to find Jack begging for Audrey's forgiveness. She's the nicest person in the world, so she hugs him and tells him there are no hard feelings, "just a lot of making up to do." Jack looks somewhat guilty and somewhat relieved. "And the time you set me up? Better be with someone secure enough with girls not to resort to muscle and fitness talk. Really. What was that about?" Jack sort of shrugs and looks pleadingly at Joey. Audrey takes her coat and leaves. "Go easy on him, bunny," she tells Joey as she goes. Joey sits on her bed and looks at Jack for a long moment. "Okay. Ah. The thing is, Joey," he begins. Blah blah defensive blah blah balancing the old friends with the new blah blah blah. "It probably doesn't help when the old friends are quick to judge something they know nothing about," Joey admits. Which is true. But the whole pimping thing? Yeah, it's okay to judge that. Jack tells Joey that he needs her to judge him, "to keep from being such an ass." Joey smiles, and tells him that she used to think she had "the most open mind," but there are "so many surprises" in the big, big city, "sometimes in places you wouldn't have even thought." Jack looks at her thoughtfully. "If a fraternity is what you need, we need to learn to accept that," Joey tells him. And he admits that he needs to learn to be less extreme. They hug.
She Who Shall Not Be Recapped sits on a bench, waiting to ride out of my life. Pacey plops down beside her. She doesn't look at him, but does apologize for being such a beeyotch the night before. She doesn't regret sleeping with him, she says, because Pacey forced her to finally make a decision about the whole Sleeping With A Married Man thing. Pacey looks at her and tells her that she doesn't have to leave town in order to make a change in her life. Shut up, Pacey, yes, she does! "I owe myself some major regrouping," You Know Who says. "Nobody can save you from yourself." Wow, that's brilliant. Didn't Billy Joel write that? "I probably would have tried anyway," Pacey tells her. And then, FINALLY, the cab FINALLY shows up and She Who Shall Not Be Recapped FINALLY gets into the taxi and leaves the show forever, THANK GOD. Pacey looks sad. The Sad Sad Piano plays The Song Of The Rejected Fry Cook.
The Hotel. I'm sure the town of Hocksett will be putting up a plaque in that room: "Dawson Leery Lost His Virginity Here. Finally!" The lovers pack. Jen stops and stands with some pants in her hands and announces that they need to talk. Dawson's all, "Sure! Whatever! I've never been so happy!" She tells him that she's feeling awkward with him, and "there's just too much at stake for [her] to let it slide." She partially wishes the sex could just be "a beautiful memory," but the rest of her knows that "sex changes everything," and she doesn't want to lose his friendship simply because they've Known Each Other Biblically. Dawson sits down and looks at her and promises that she'll never lose his friendship. "And yes, sex does change things," he says, because now he's the big sexpert. "But who says it has to be for the worse?" Jen just looks at him. "All I know is, it happened last night. And it felt right. And if sex changes things, I say bring it on," he says. Jen smiles warmly at him. "Okay, I'm in," she tells him. They beam. "I wish we didn't have to leave here," she muses. "So, we stay," Dawson tells her. "Stay?" Jen asks. Dawson dumps out his packed suitcase on the floor. "We stay for a least a couple of days. After all, this is the honeymoon suite, right?" Jen leans in toward him and smiles. "And I am your girlfriend," she purrs. They kiss.
week: I enter a sanitarium to try to regain my sanity after all the bare Van Der Beekian chest.