Episode Report Card Demian: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Never Was There A Tale Of More Woe!
By Demian | Season 6 | Episode 5 | Aired on 10.18.2003
Somewhere…else, an ancient Asian gentleman garbed in a Franciscan cassock grinds something with a mortar and pestle while grunting, "All sold out, I'm afraid." "Good for me," he adds with an affable shrug. "Bad for you." The actor's name is Mako, which is ironic given the fact that he's missing all of his front teeth. We soon learn he's addressing Big Gay Chris, who asks, "How long will it take you to make more?" By the way, Part Check: It's packed its bags and moved from the center of his scalp back towards the left, but not quite as far over as it was when he first appeared. Everything's sort of swept back from his forehead anyway in this scene, so it's a bit obscured. In any event, as Mako explains the difficulty involved in creating more of the potion Big Chris wants, the shot cuts to a wide-angle, and we find ourselves in some sort of underground apothecary. Appropriate, I suppose, given the play they raped for tonight's A-plot. Expository babbling follows, during which we learn that the particular potion Big Chris seeks somehow hides secrets. As Friar Mako whinges about the unreliability of demonic suppliers and whatnot, a rocky wall nearby bulges out to disgorge the silvery CGI outline of a human figure. It's very TLC's "Waterfalls," much like the Shocker Demon from seasons past. Big Chris, focused on Friar Mako's gross mouth, takes no notice of the new presence. "Swampland," Friar Mako reveals, "is where you'll find the Kotochul egg your potion requires." Way to be specific there, Gappy Yokum. Which damn swampland? Whatever. Big Chris apparently knows what he means, and snippily groans, "Fine. I'll get you your damn egg. Just make sure you're ready." Friar Mako smiles serenely by way of reply. As Chris backs away from the table, the silvery CGI outline vanishes into the outcropping of rock. Chris darts his eyes around suspiciously, then orbs upwards out of the cave. Friar Mako watches him go, then turns to glance at the silvery CGI outline as it reappears and fills out into Technicolor Dolt form. Ew. Shut up, Dolt. The Dolt glares as Friar Mako sticks his tongue out through the disgusting hole where his incisors should be.
Incontinence Estates. Raige, who's changed from her crispy white strappy top into a fresh blue strappy top, leans in towards the voice box at the front gate, begging Granny Healy to grant her entry. Several on the forums have noted that Raige is actually pressing the buzzer, not the intercom. Granny Healy's probably whizzing around inside in her wheelchair, screaming, "Whoever you fucking are, you're pressing the wrong fucking button, you rotten son of a whore!" As Raige waits for a response that never arrives, Balthazar Getty wanders onto the sidewalk from his equally imposing mansion across the street. For reasons that should be obvious from that link, I'll be calling him Slampiece Buttfuck, even though the character's name is actually Romeo Montague. Um. I mean, "Richard Montana." ["I'd like to interrupt for a moment with a bit of MS Word spell-check trivia -- namely, that the dictionary's spelling suggestion for 'Buttfuck' is 'Potluck.' Enjoy." -- Sars] Slampiece Buttfuck ambles over to his mailbox and calls out, "Don't you think it's a little risky coming back here?" Raige tosses a sullen and supremely amusing glare in his general direction, then hits the buzzer again to plead once more with Lady Capulet. Ooops. That should be "Mrs. Callaway." Oh, hell. Let's just call her Lady Callapulet and be done with it.
Anyway, Slampiece Buttfuck is nothing if not persistent, and interrupts again with, "No, seriously. In case you didn't notice, there's kind of a war going on between these two homes." Raige flips her hair around and acidly intones, "I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about." "Don't you?" Buttfuck mutters under his breath. He crosses the street as Raige yells, "It's me! Pinochle Girl!" into the buzzer. Heh. "You're not the first, you know," he reveals, his sudden proximity startling Raige a bit. "Others have come to try to help. You should leave before you get hurt." Raige frostily notes that she can handle it herself, thanks very much, and would he be so kind as to leave her alone? "You're not a muse," Buttfuck smiles, giving her the once-over. "Or a Whitelighter." He pauses for a moment, then realizes, "You're a witch, like us." "How do you know that?" Raige demands, instantly suspicious. "Ever since I was a little kid," he exposits softly, "one magical being or another has come to try to help end the feud. Hasn't worked, though. I mean, this last truce was the longest, but…" He trails off with a shrug, just as a Flaming Ball Of Wanton Mailbox Destruction arches across the Callapulets' lawn. Slampiece Buttfuck wraps his arms around Raige and dives for the ground as the FBOWMD races across the street to complete the act for which it was named. Bits of the vanquished mailbox clatter to the sidewalk as…