Episode Report Card Demian: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT If Death Doesn't Become Her, Will It At Least Shut Her Up?
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 5 | Aired on 10.09.2004
Trudeau Memorial, formerly Andy's House of Beef, formerly The Loneliest Precinct House In The World. Detective Doormat's getting his bitch ass slapped around by Kerr Smith, who still looks like he's all of fourteen years old. Darryl's such a pussy. "I have been on a trail for years that has just now led me to [the Halliwells]," Kerr Smith spits in an entirely heterosexual manner, "and as soon as they know that I know that they're magical, and that I'm not a threat to them, they're gonna have to help me." But they already know that you know that they're magical, so...you know what? Fuck it. Because of the massive amounts of time they're wasting on Nick Lachey, Kerr Smith's ruggedly heterosexual storyline won't advance to the virile forefront where it rightfully belongs until Sparklies is gone for good, so whatever. So-Straight-It-Kerrts "suggests" that the Doormat help him, otherwise the Doormat will find himself transferred to "another district" just like his pal, Pepper Anderson. What, so they got rid of her, too? So, why'd they unleash that massive continuity error involving the blood sample if they were just going to...you know what? Fuck it. I don't care anymore. With that, twelve-year-old Kerr Smith snatches up his manly suitcoat and totally does not flounce out of the office, because He Is So Obviously Not That Way.
Somewhere on the Paramount back lot (which they just used as "Brooklyn" in the Enterprise season premiere, like, I hoped they hosed it down thoroughly after Phoebe skanked her naked way across it on that horse of hers), Chaplain Artie races up a set of stairs to vault into what I suppose is meant to be a deeply touching and heartfelt scene between his soon-to-be-dead self and his wife, a spunky brunette named Harriet who's sporting a really kicky pair of black slingbacks. Unfortunately, because the scene is so dreadfully scripted, and because we're never going to see either of these people again, ever, I remain unmoved. Harriet eventually disappears into the building for her OB/GYN appointment -- which means she's pregnant, because this is Charmed and Artie's impending death must be made Doubly Tragic, because What Of The Children? Will No One Think Of The Children? -- and...where the hell was I? Oh, yeah: The sweaty, clammy Artie retreats sadly to the sidewalk after Harriet tosses him one final, affectionate glance. "I've been looking all over for you," Death-In-The-Box wryly mellows. Heh. I love it when he sneaks up on people like that. Artie looks freaked.
Meanwhile, back at the Manor, Piper's scries fruitlessly for Artie up in the nonexistent attic as Raige orbs back in from Not!warts with the depressing news that she can't reverse the spell and keep Artie alive at the same time. Piper's now more worried about The Angel Of Death, thank you very much, and frets that she can't find the chaplain, anyway, because Raige's protection spell is blocking him from their magic as well. Just then, the scrying crystal unexpectedly slams down upon a set of map coordinates. "You didn't lift the spell?" Piper wonders. "No, I told you I didn't," Raige snappishly confirms. "Then who did?" Piper asks. Raige shakes that tangled rats' nest she's calling a hairdo around as the shot cuts back to...