Episode Report Card Demian: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT If Death Doesn't Become Her, Will It At Least Shut Her Up?
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 5 | Aired on 10.09.2004
Inside the rather spartan CHAPEL, the innocent of the week kneels on the steps leading to the altar with his head bowed, rather than praying in a pew like a normal person, because someone told the director it would look better this way. And that someone should really know what he's talking about before he opens his damned mouth the next time. "Come to pray, have you, Arthur?" a clearly disreputable type in a grey hooded jacket scoffs as he enters the frame with his back to us. Well, bub, considering the fact that this is a CHAPEL and that Artie here is the chaplain, um, YEAH. Douchebag. Chaplain Artie, a "Hey, It's That Guy!" perhaps best known as Coach Strickland from Third Rock from the Sun (no, I never watched it, but somebody must have), hauls himself to his feet and spins around to confront the intruder, whom he recognizes immediately as "Kevin." Kevin, who's been keeping his shadowy right profile to the camera up to this point, sneers, "That's actually my human name," as he twists his neck around and slides off his hood to reveal the lumpy, green, and demonically reptilian left side of his face. Holy crap. It's Scott Farkus from A Christmas Story! Scott Farkus! What a rotten name! There he stands, between Chaplain Artie and the exit, staring out at us with his yellow eye! He has a yellow eye! So help me, God -- a YELLOW EYE!
Ahem. Sorry. I've seen that movie entirely too many times on TNT. And yet it still holds far more interest for me than the bumbling and poorly phrased expository rant in which Rotten Scott Farkus has found himself. Go figure. Long, tedious story short, Rotten Scott is half-demon on his father's side, will become full demon once he "eliminate[s] the last of [his] human lineage," and so conjures a Flaming Ball Of Death that's got Artie's name written all over it. Piper and Raige scamper into the CHAPEL seconds too late to prevent the FBOD from rocketing out of Rotten Scott's palm and into Chaplain Artie's chest. The FBOD rips right through the guy, eventually scorching the far wall as the force of the impact sends Chaplain Artie's stunt double flying backwards through the air to crash unseen to the floor behind the altar. Piper instantly unleashes her Hands of Discontent, but the explosive mojo merely sparks against Scott Farkus's lower back, propelling him forward onto his knees rather than sending him howling and wailing in a merry blaze down to Hell. "Ouch," he smirks wickedly as he deploys a little mojo of his own to glide effortlessly back to his feet. After pausing to slither a few menacing noises in the Glamorous Ladies' general direction, he lunges towards the gals and shoots sporking bolts of electricity at them from his left hand. Piper and Raige dive behind a pew for protection as Chaplain Artie warily pokes his head up from behind the altar to see what's going on in the CHAPEL proper. "How many powers does this guy have?" Piper frowns as she and Raige rise hesitantly from their own temporary shelter. Raige spots Artie as soon as her head clears the bench, and she screams, "Get down!" Rotten Scott darts a filthy look at her before conjuring another FBOD, which he flips altar-wards. Raige, thinking fast, redirects the thing back towards Rotten Scott with her orbing telekinesis, but he squiggles out at the last moment, and the FBOD fizzles out harmlessly on the carpet. As Rotten Scott has seemingly vacated the premises for the time being, Piper decides to race from her pew and hop up to the altar for an awkward meet-and-greet with the innocent of the week as Raige puckers her lips in dismay. You see, Chaplain Artie has a CGI hole the size of Goldie Hawn's head in his torso, and yes, it looks just like the one dear Goldie sported in Death Becomes Her, only a little more fake. Piper swings behind Chaplain Artie, bends to peer through the gaping hole, and sing-songs, "You're a walking lie, Chaplain Artie, and I can see right through you!" Or maybe she just snots, "Nice protection spell, sis," as Raige wah. Wah. Waaaaaahs her way into the opening credits.
Shit. Now I have Meryl Streep cackling, "Flaaa-ccid! FLAAAAAAA-CCID!" in my head.