Episode Report Card Demian: C- | 221 USERS: C+ YOU GRADE IT SPARKLE, Phoebe, SPARKLE! (Part I)
By Demian | Season 6 | Episode 1 | Aired on 2003.09.28
Lair Of The Stumpy Dolt. Phoebe and Raige wordlessly ease through the entrance, then loudly greet the Dolt the second he appears in the bamboo octagon's gangway. Way to keep it on the down low, ladies. Two Valkyries, no doubt drawn by the Ps' near-ultrasonic squealing, race into the cave to commence with the smackdown. They quickly trap Phoebe and Raige in a pair of violent chokeholds, so Stumpy the Dolt snatches up and pair of broadswords and -- get this -- expertly flings them through the bars of his cage into the Valkyries' backs. I'm sure this is meant to impress me. However. If Stumpy the Dolt's so adept with a couple of broadswords, why didn't he hack his way out of the goddamned bamboo cage a whole fucking month ago? Huh? Anyone? Anytime you're ready to answer. No, it's okay! Really! I'm not going anywhere for a VERY LONG TIME!
Christ on a stick.
Stumpy warns the former in-laws to flee immediately. And so, after promises to return, Raige and Phoebe scurry outdoors to orb into the sky. Back in the Lair, Bride Of Vaughn enters with a pair of nubile attendants, eyes the dead Valkyries sprawled on the cave's floor, and puckers her lips in Stumpy's direction. Stumpy the Dolt bares his teeth and pants, "I told you I don't belong here." Kick him in the nuts, Vaughn!
Kidding. The Dolt has no nuts to kick.
Back from the break, we retrace our steps from the Isle Of Dykes back to the Manor for a processing summit involving Raige, Phoebe, Big Gay Chris, the Book of Shadows, and Oscar The Raige-Humping Bulldog. Yes, the bulldog's name is Oscar. Yes, there is bulldog-related tomfoolery. No, I won't be recapping it. I realize the disappointment you feel at this moment must be crushing. Deal with it. Raige lands on the Valkyries' entry in the Book, which she and Phoebe read aloud: "A powerful race of demigoddesses who scout the battlegrounds for dying warriors, then take their souls to Valhalla, where they prepare them for the final world battle." And all of that would be [sic]. I'm not up on my Norse mythology, so I have no idea if this entry possesses even a passing acquaintance with accuracy, but more importantly: I don't care. The gals bombard poor Chris with questions, which he artfully evades by announcing his intent to consult with the ever-useless Elders. Phoebe and Raige persist, however, so Chris is forced to hack up the following bits of exposition: orbing into Valhalla results in immediate detection; the one way to infiltrate the island safely is through the crappy green digital overlay generated by a Valkyrie's jade pendant; Big Gay Chris can and will provide the appropriate bauble only if absolutely necessary; and finally, once on the island, the Glamorous Ladies must convince Bride Of Vaughn that they too are Valkyries, which can only be accomplished by arriving "with a warrior's soul." Raige twists her face into a tiny moue as Phoebe snits, "Where are we supposed find a warrior's soul?" Big Gay Chris is all, "Not my problem, bitches," and orbs away. God love him.