Episode Report Card Shack: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Jock Trap
By Shack | Season 4 | Episode 26 | Aired on 07.23.1998
Gavin sidles up next to Steve to give him the 411. Goth Joey is named Rachel Wagner, a friend of Gavin's, and she's -- wait for it -- from the wrong side of the tracks. Gavin walks up to her and calls her "dancing queen." She gives him a dirty look because somebody saw her slow-mo seizures and totally busted her. Gavin introduces Rachel to Steve. They give each other looks. Gavin notes the instant chemistry and suggests that somebody should "cue the power ballad." You wouldn't say that if you could hear the one in the background already, Stonehead. Rachel tells Gavin to "fail to be a tumor," an awkwardly worded catchphrase and insult that I hope never made it into popular use. Gavin suggests that they all hang out that night and get some beer. Steve's game. Cut to evening, in the parking lot of a grocery store. Gavin tries and fails to convince a man to buy a case of beer for them. He complains to the others that "the problem with America is mankind's abject unwillingness to contribute to the delinquency of minors." Yes, that is a problem. If Hollywood has taught me anything, it's that the misadventures of delinquent teens are one of the main avenues through which we uncover threats to our fine way of life, in addition to those of suspended police officers, precocious little girls, and visitors from the future. Buy your neighborhood kids booze and cigarettes! Our lives depend on it! While the three of them are hanging out in the parking lot, a creepy Blue Ribbon jock approaches Rachel and tries to strike up a conversation. He goes by the nickname of Chug, which is just so sad. It's a nickname that says little more than a headline like "Fraternity Member Dies In Spring Break Boating Accident," with a subhead indicating a suspected blood-alcohol level of thirty percent or something. Gavin makes some crack about steroids, and he and Chug snipe at each other. Chug invites Rachel to hang with him and the Blue Ribbon kids at the yogurt shop. The yogurt shop? Rachel is a better person than I. My response to an invitation to a yogurt shop would be to laugh, much in the manner that Haley Joel Osment does in A.I.: Artificial Intelligence. Not that I have anything against yogurt shops, but come on. It's like taking your date to Subway or something. It's sad, pathetic, and wrong. Anyway, Rachel doesn't give a yes or a no, and Chug wanders off into the grocery store. Gavin mocks Rachel for having an interest in Chug. Inside the grocery store, Chug stands in line while a couple of teens -- stoners having an attack of munchies -- goof around in front of a display of Cap'n Crunch. Chug stares at Rachel through the front windows of the store. Suddenly he starts having -- well, you would normally call them flashbacks or blipverts, but since he's having weird flashes about stuff that's going on right now, I guess I'll call them "flashpresents." He has flashpresent images of Rachel's face, Rachel's torso, and Rachel's ass, in red duotone shading, punctuated with various flashing kaleidoscope shapes and sound effects that sound like they came from a sword fight in an anime cartoon. Chug's eye glows red. Just then, the stoners run into him from behind. Chug goes psycho, crushing a milk carton in his hand, because he has absolutely no intention of doing a body good. He hurls one boy into the Cap'n Crunch, grabs the other one by his nose ring, and hurls him into some other displays. He continues to beat the crap out of the two guys until the surviving police officer from the opening scene, who just happens to be shopping as well, comes over and pulls Chug off of them. The stoner who used to have a nose ring gets up, all covered with blood and owning a newly deviated septum. Chug charges him and tosses him into the meat display. Then Chug collapses on the ground. Everybody in the entire town is in the grocery store right now, witnessing this, including our heroic trio of Steve, Gavin, and Rachel. Steve wonders what the hell just happened. Rachel calls it "Toxic Jock Syndrome," which would have been a cool teaser headline for this Extra and damn her for thinking of it first.Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20Next