Episode Report Card Owen: D | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Devil's Music
By Owen | Season 2 | Episode 4 | Aired on 10.20.1999
I would like to take this opportunity to thank the writer of this episode for scripting Piper in such a way that she officially joins the rest of the cast in a collaborative effort to work every hair off my hole. How can I ever repay such a kindness?
Foyer. It's Dan "Flash" Gordon. He needs the Halliwells' help -- he's been cursed by a warlock and has lost his ability to fasten the top four buttons of his shirt. No, he's come over because he has his bitch on about Piper inviting Jenny to the concert that night. Piper denies this. Dan says Jenny is adamant that Piper said she could come, and she's picking out outfits right now. Piper says she'll talk to her. She opens the front door and Leo's standing there. Ruh-roh! Piper gives him a frosty hello. She introduces the fellas to each other. Leo wets his pants because he recognizes Dan as an "ex-second baseman for the Mariners," who retired after "blowing out" his knee. Before the guys can go get a room, Piper bitches at Leo for having the time to follow baseball, but not having the time to tell her "about you-know-what before you-know-who shows up you-know-where." Dan tries to tiptoe away from the ugliness. Piper tells him not to bother because Leo just "stops by occasionally to fix things." Piper and Dan leave. Phoebe apologizes for her sister to Leo. Hey Leo, mind taking a stab at fixing this script?
BAH. Prue struts purposefully down the hallway and is accosted by Morris. He begins: "This is where YOU say 'DARYL' and I say 'PRUE' and you say SOMETHING like 'WHAT are you doing here?'" Prue joins Owen in looking stricken. He continues: "ANDY didn't TELL me all of the STEPS in this DANCE but I'm a QUICK LEARNER." Prue tries to blow him off, since she's on her way to P3. Morris: "AS USUAL, I BARELY KNOW what's going ON, and I DON'T LIKE IT." Prue continues to be appalled. Morris asks her about JC. Prue can't tell him, so Morris ratchets the emoting up to Al Pacino-on-crack-cocaine-going-for-a-Best-Actor-Oscar-nom: "IT'S MY JOB! ANDY IS GONE! I'M NOT ANDY! AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU HAVE TO TELL ME ABOUT EVERYTHING BUT WHEN YOU AND YOUR SISTERS GET INVOLVED THE WHOLE PLAYING FIELD GOES CRAZY!!!" Prue adds meekly that things "get dangerous" also. Morris: "I'M A COP! I DON'T NEED PROTECTING!" Prue states that he has "no idea" about what's really going down. Morris: "I'M AN IMAGINATIVE GUY! I HAVE PLENTY OF IDEAS! I EVEN HAD YOU THREE WORKING FOR THE C.I.A. FOR A WHILE!" Y'all just really have to see these Dorian Gregory scenes to believe them; I was chortling heartily at this point, and not just from the image of Phoebe as an intelligence operative. Prue and Morris spend the rest of the scene winding down, with Prue assuring Morris that the Ps are working on the "missing girls." Prue bolts to the elevator. Morris adds, "I FIGURED," to the empty space she left behind. The completely impotent director of this scene must have been too stunned to yell "Cut!" because it goes on for a few more seconds in which Dorian looks toward the elevator and then back at the camera, as if to ask, "Did you get that all on tape for the Emmy selection committee?" Sure did, Dorian! Pure gold!
Gordon Manor. Piper tells Jenny that she can't come to the concert because "the state" will shut her down. Jenny, holding up a couple of skirts and neglecting to breathe as usual: "How are they going to find out are you going to tell them 'cause I'm not going to tell them do you like the red or the denim?" Dan tries to reason with the brat. Jenny snarls at him, "Yeah let's hear from Uncle Dan who never in his life faked an ID or snuck into a bar, never did anything wrong, never." At this point, if Jenny were my ward, forget about the skirts -- she'd be wearing the white print of my hand for the rest of the evening. Instead, Dan steers the conversation back to her attempted wrongdoing. Jenny: "No. We were talking about Piper. She said I could go see the show." Piper reiterates that she never said that. Dan finally asserts that Jenny's parents put him in charge of her. Jenny wails, "Sure, they put you in charge, but not me! Not ever! Why is that?" Boo hoo. Not. Jenny stands there and sobs. If the bed didn't have kinderwhore clothes strewn all over it, she probably would have flung herself upon it face-down. Dan apologizes for Jenny. (Someone please send Phoebe and Dan to the next meeting of Enablers Anonymous.) Piper: "It's okay. She's feeling a little betrayed. I know the feeling." What. E. Ver. I hope replicant Piper destroyed the empty pod shell that was left beside her bed.