P3 Nightclub, hereafter referred to as P3 After Dark. Outpatients wandering around the sparsely populated place. Cut to Selma and Thelma, sitting on barstools, chain smoking and bad mouthing Homer. My bad. Cut to a glum-looking Prue "Queen P" Halliwell and Phoebe "Tattoo Who?" Halliwell, still sitting on their asses (natch) like last week. Prue is wearing an outfit last spotted in an underground Czech disco circa 1983 -- black pedal-pushers, a black tube top covered by a loose mesh sleeveless shift woven out of sparkly Easter basket grass, and a babushka (!?!) holding back a handful of cornrows on her head. Phoebe is dressed rather demurely for once in a black tube dress with embroidered flower décolletage. The camera pans around the club revealing some hard-core alcoholics and a bartender reading the paper, and we get it -- business is slow. Pheebs: "This place couldn't be more dead if I was embalmed." That line was obviously a gimme, so I'll pass. Prue responds with some exposition about taking "an offer" from a guy named Barker. Phoebe wants assurance that the guy's not a loan shark. Prue assures her that he's offering them a "no-interest loan [they] can pay back any time" and says he "won't miss the money." Of course, the two Ps agree not to tell their sister. Piper "Steve Rube-Belle" Halliwell approaches and asks them, seemingly for the first time, if they like the name of the club -- "P3, get it? The Power of Three?" Phoebe almost opens her mouth to bitch about what a dud the place is, but Prue shushes her. Piper tells the other Ps that the place will "pick up." Phoebe wants to know when exactly. Piper says it's "hard to predict, it's not like starting a restaurant." (Didn't Piper explain to Yuppie Rob in the first ep this season that nightclubs are less risky than restaurants? Yeah. I thought so, too.) Piper placates the Ps by telling them they won't get called on the loan and they won't "lose the house." She goes off to work. Phoebe is suddenly alarmed at the possibility of losing the manor, so maybe she should have found out what a mortgage was before she signed one. ["Well, another one, since they took out a second on the house to give Piper the check." -- Sars] Prue tells her that they'll take Barker's offer, giving time to Piper to "pack the place." Pheebs pouts and whines in a baby voice Kelly Taylor wants back, "Where is everybody?"
Cut to another nightclub -- a building with some bad F/X titles imposed on the sides, one stating "TONIGHT: DISHWALLA" and the other "BUTTERFLY'S COCOON." I cave in and agree that the name of Piper's club could have been much, much worse. Some alterna-rockers are playing, and the adenoidal singer is trying his best as assorted poseurs do the sorority sway and the frat-boy two-step. This band must be Dishwalla. Since I really have no idea what the young people are listening to these days, I researched this recap for you, dear readers, by asking my music industry publicist friend Sara about the band. Her response, verbatim: "Who? Dishwalla? What the? Oh, yeah. They SUCK." Leo "Return to the White Lighter Lagoon" Wyatt wanders around the crowd, searching, searching.
Cut to some guy who looks like Blossom's dad, escorting a Brainless Groupie backstage. He explains that he's the band's new manager. BG, making Phoebe sound like Ruth Bader Ginsburg: "Man, I can't believe this! This is like the most unbelievable thing that's ever happened to me!" She's wowed that he "picked" her. He says she seemed like a "good soul" and she said the magic words -- "[she'll] do anything." Hey, didn't I see this on video when it was released as Hellraiser III? Isn't there a reason why seven years have gone by and I didn't rent it again? The manager lets BG into the dressing room and tells her the band will be "down in a minute." BG thanks him -- for the ensuing gangbang, I guess. He says, "Don't thank me yet." BG looks around the room, sees something, and screams. The manager enters the room. He tells an unseen presence, "That's it. No more." Camera cuts to a tall guy, wearing over his head a black shower curtain with crab-leg shell fingers poking out, telling the manager that they "have a pact." Shower Curtain Guy exposes his chest to reveal BG within, stretching her face and hands through Saran Wrap. This fails to get the pearl-clutching response from me that the producers were going for.
Credits. What about me? I'm human and I need to be entertained.
Some chick whispering to me about Polaroid products. What trend hath Haley Joel "I See Dead People" Osment wrought? Hon, I got your sticky film right here.
Establishing shots of Dayton, Ohio. You caught me! Still San Francisco -- cable cars, Golden Gate bridge, TransAmerica pyramid, Jerry Garcia blah blah blah. Dishwalla is the "Special (not) Musical (not) Guest (thank god)." An off-screen DJ informs us that the reason our ears are bleeding is Dishwalla's "hit," "Counting Blue Cars." He adds that the band and their manager Jeff Carlton are his in-studio guests as a shot shows the outside of "KJCH-FM." JC walks into a hallway and asks passers-by where the restroom is, but they ignore his breen-colored mock turtleneck and pleather-car-coat clad presence. Leo appears and offers to assist JC with directions, but leads him to an alcove instead. Leo takes out some white powder and blows it into JC's face. JC looks dazed. Witchcraft brewing or standard music industry drug use? You make the call.
P3AD. A pan down the screen of Piper's laptop, showing the club to be $24,347 in the red. Piper, tasteful as usual in a lavender sweater, explains to the slower viewers that "this is bad." It gets worse. Jenny "Pippa" Gordon, wearing a yellow t-shirt, Walkman earphones, and six different parts in her hair, comes down the stairs. She lectures Piper, "You should keep that door locked, you know? Anyone could just walk in." Once again, this line is a shameless gimme from the writers and I consider it beneath me. Piper asks Jenny what she's doing there. Word. Three episodes ago the girl wouldn't leave the house to buy herself emergency tampons. Jenny: "Am I breaking the law right now, being underage and all?" Piper, who has far more patience than Owen: "We're not open. Actually, I don't know. What's your point?" Jenny (lack of punctuation is hers): "If you were open for business and I was in here would you have me arrested because friendship counts for something even though we're not really friends yet but at least we're neighbors and neighbors do favors for each other . . ." Piper: "What kind of favor?" Jenny wants a ticket to "the show" that's "all over the radio." If she doesn't get one, she'll "die." Owen speed-dials TicketMaster and buys up every single ticket to every single event in San Francisco, Oakland, and Palo Alto scheduled for that night. As Piper asks Jenny again what the hell she's droning on about, JC enters the club. He tells her that when he heard about "P Cubed," fate "smiled upon him." His "boys" want to play a more "intimate" place, and "connect again" with the public. According to my friend Sara, they never "connected" with anyone in the first place, but whatever. JC wants Dishwalla to play Piper's little "hole in the wall." Piper has JC's "hole in the wall" right here. Actually, she's somewhat repelled by JC, but she smells crowds and money so she assents to the gig while Jenny nods like the unctuous little monkey she is. Just as JC brings up discussion about a contract, Jenny interrupts (natch) and asks, "Mr. Carlton, sir, is it possible for me to meet the band? I'll do almost anything!" JC is conflicted. Just wait till you get to know her better, dude. JC warns Jenny, "Be careful what you wish for, sweetheart." Cut to Jenny looking perplexed, probably because she's never been called "sweetheart" before in her life, and odds are she never will be again.
Limousine. Mr. Barker, to whom I shall refer as Mr. Gotrocks, on his car phone telling Prue not to feel awkward about accepting his loan. Prue asks him if the "terms are still the same" until they get the club "off the ground." Mr. Gotrocks informs her there will be "no interest" on the loan. Prue wants to pay interest. The limo approaches the city limits of Awkward Segueville, and Mr. Gotrocks says, "Speaking of getting off the ground, our plane trip to Paris is still open for discussion, isn't it?" Prue looks disgusted, so I guess Mr. G gives her the heebs. I add a half-hearted "word," because after all -- a free trip to Paris! By plane, no less! She appreciates his offer, but declines. Mr. Gotrocks: "It's not an offer, just a dinner request." Prue: "In Paris!" Mr. Gotrocks: "Do you know what they call French bread in Paris?" Okay, if you joined me in expecting Prue to yell out "PAIN!" then we're all far cleverer writers than the current staff of this show and I'll meet you month in LA for a coup d'etat. Prue, quite incorrectly and lamely, replies, "Bread." That is Mr. Gotrocks's "point, exactly." They banter some more. Mr. Gotrocks will show up at the club with the money, although he obviously would rather be leaving it on Prue's bedroom dresser.
Halliwell Manor. Kitchen. Prue puts down the phone. She tells Pheebs that Mr. G will bring them the check. Phoebe wonders aloud if they're doing the right thing. Prue justifies their actions as "helping out their sister." Piper bursts in, exclaiming, "Guess what I did! All by myself! Dish. Walla. My club. Playing there. Tonight." She then LIES to the other Ps about how she networked and sent out PR to land the band. (Note to writers: I've cut y'all some slack on this whole nightclub-running thing you've thrown Piper into, but if you mess with her as the moral center of this show you're in for a world of hurt. Just sayin'.) Piper continues, bragging that P3 is now "the official place to be on the map." Yeah, on the map of "Not Sunnydale," where it's marked "Not The Bronze." Piper hugs and kisses the other Ps and thanks them for their patience. Doorbell. Piper goes to get it.
Foyer. It's Leo. She informs him about Dishwalla playing the club that night, and wants him to be her date. She adds that "she made it happen." Leo begs to differ. Prue and Phoebe stick their noses in. Prue's in her standard-issue black camisole, and Pheebs is in this orange midriff-baring harem shirt that ties and cinches between her boobs. Prue crosses her arms while Alyssa Milano shows off her abs. Leo explains that "there's a demon involved" and he cast a spell on JC to get the band to play P3. Piper gets her bitch on and asks him what he's doing. He replies, "[His] job." Piper: "What are we? 'Leo's witches' now?" Heh. She wails on him for setting them up to fight a demon during a sold-out concert at her club. Leo gapes. He explains that the band's manager has made a bargain with Masselin, the demon, to become rich and powerful by attracting "successful bands" to JC in exchange for human sacrifice. Reading my mind, Phoebe asks what this all has to do with Dishwalla. Are they hooked up with the demon? Leo explains that they have nothing to do with the evil the manager is doing. (Phew. I don't know about y'all, but I'll sleep better at night knowing that Dishwalla didn't join Alanis Morissette, Keanu Reeves, Oprah Winfrey, and John Grisham in signing pacts with Satan.) Prue asks Leo what happened to the sacrifices. He says they're trapped alive inside the demon so he can feed off their suffering. The Halliwells' mission, should they choose to accept it: Free the trapped souls and destroy Masselin. Piper is still fuming about the whole sitch: "Freeing and destroying! Will this be between sets or during the encore?" An encore seems pretty presumptuous, but -- heh. Leo gapes some more, and the other Ps try to blend into the woodwork. Leo tells Piper they "need to talk." Piper: "You bet your White Lighter ass we do." Luckily, Leo is summoned and "has to go." He takes off in his blue light "special." Piper sighs. Phoebe: "That's exactly why you shouldn't date a co-worker." Piper leaps at Phoebe and kicks the living shit out of her, as Prue looks on in horror. Oops. Actually, Piper snarls, "What exactly would you know about co-workers, slacker?" Oops. Actually, she just looks really defeated and sad. Phoebe tries to explain that she was trying to make "a joke," then laughs to herself like she said something exceptionally witty. Piper's still mopey. Phoebe: "Honey, I'm sorry." Piper: "How could he do this?" As the Guitar Strum Of Tenderly Released Anguish plays, Phoebe explains that Leo had "no choice" in his actions, and "[they] don't, either" because the sisters have to defeat the demon. Prue tells Phoebe that she's going to go to work and call Mr. Gotrocks. She bolts, leaving the emotional detritus in her wake.
Butterfly's Cocoon. Roadies pack up equipment outside the club. My only explanation for the over-the-top Karl-Malden-on-ephedrine-washed-down-with-a-triple-espresso histrionics that follow is that Dorian Gregory's been sitting and stewing in his trailer for a month and decided to fit four episodes worth of over-acting into two minutes of screen time if they were ever given to him. Pan to Daryl "Bad Cop, Only Cop" Morris interrogating JC about Brainless Groupie, because "she's been missing since last night, when she came to that club." Excuse me? I've watched enough police shows and woman-in-jep flicks to know that twenty-four hours do not a missing person make. JC shouts to one of the roadies that the gear is going to P3. Morris notes that it's the Halliwells' club. JC says he doesn't "have a lot of time." Morris, starting at a caterwaul and working up from there, screams at JC that "YOU HAVE TIME FOR THIS!" and waves a picture of BG in his face. I'm sorry about going all Owen Meany here, but caps don't begin to do justice to Dorian's scenery chewing. JC calmly says that he answered Morris' question. Morris: "I DIDN'T ASK ONE!" JC: "Um, yes you did." Morris: "I DON'T BELIEVE I DID. DID YOU?" JC: "What?" Morris: "SEE HER!" JC: "I didn't see anybody." Morris shoves the picture at JC again. JC doesn't really help his case by explaining to the cop that the band attracts flocks of groupies, all in "short skirts and tight tops" looking like "sexy little peas in pod." Morris: "SO WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE IF ONE DISAPPEARS?" JC calmly replies that he didn't say that. Morris: "YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO!" JC asks why Morris isn't out "hassling her boyfriend." Morris: "I DID THAT ALREADY! NOW I'M HASSLING YOU!" Instead of telling Morris, as I would have, that he watches Law & Order religiously and this "shake-down" is over until he gets "lawyered up," JC just reiterates that he "didn't see her." JC adds: "What's up with the Gestapo routine?" Morris: "IT TENDS TO FOLLOW THE 'ACTING LIKE A SUSPECT' ROUTINE!" JC asks, finally, if he's under arrest. Morris: "NOT YET!" He shoves some more missing-groupie photos in JC's face. They all disappeared at Dishwalla shows. JC "never saw any of them." Morris: "YOU'RE NOT CONCERNED?" JC: "Not in the slightest. See you around." Morris adds: "COUNT ON IT!" Owen adds: "BWA HA HA!"
Halliwell Manor. Day. Attic. Processing summit between Phoebe and Piper. Piper moans about Leo. Pheebs has found information on Masselin in the Book of Shadows. Piper continues to bitch about Leo. Pheebs formulates a plan involving brewing up some "demonic ipecac" and getting the dose past the evil manager. Piper whines about her problems with Leo and their relationship some more. Hey Piper! We'll limit our sessions to an hour. Are Thursdays good for you?
Butterfly's Cocoon. Dressing room. JC meets with Masselin again. He's worried about getting interrogated by the police, so the "pact is over. Null and void." Masselin flames him, literally. JC wails, and the flames disappear. He consents to obtain more souls for the demon.
Commercials. A Hallmark ad during Charmed. Yet another gimme -- I'm getting suspicious.
Buckland Auction House. An uncomfortable-looking Prue telling Mr. Gotrocks that their "agreement to make an agreement" is off. Mr. Gotrocks asks if this is because a "certain band" is playing P3 that night. Mr. Gotrocks gets points from me for not mentioning the "D" word. He says that P3 is a "diamond in the rough" and should be a "big success." So he's gone to the bank and made an offer to "pick up the loan." Prue gapes and gets her bitch on to protest. (A sidebar: Whatever. I've done enough legal research to know that mortgages get re-assigned all the time without changing the terms of the original loan agreement.) Mr. Gotrocks, unfazed, tells Prue to put him on the guest list for the concert. Prue is "asking, very nicely, not for him to go through with this." Mr. Gotrocks "won't be threatened." He wants two passes and a booth near the stage. Prue, hands on hips, is nonplused. Mr. Gotrocks leaves.
Halliwell Manor. Phoebe preparing some concoction in the kitchen. Piper asks how the plan's going to go down. Pheebs says they'll feed Masselin some "extra-strength antacid" and if the BoS is right, the monster will disappear in a "demonic gas bubble," freeing its victims. Sounds like strong stuff, Pheebs -- can you make up a batch for the crew here at MBTV? Thanks. Piper whines that they can't even give their cat a vitamin, so how will they get it down the demon's throat? Heh. Phoebe holds up a balloon. Piper: "Where is it?" Phoebe: "Where's what?" Piper (all gesticulating and over enunciating as usual): "The spoon full of sugar big enough to hold that thing?" Piper's beginning to work my nerves. The actresses continue to mug. Phoebe outlines her plan to impersonate a Brainless Groupie to get to Masselin. Piper says it's too dangerous. Phoebe blah blah their only chance blather rinse repeat. Piper: "I hate him." Phoebe: "Of course, he's a demon." Turns out Piper's talking about Leo, and continues to bitch about him some more. Phoebe tells her to "put a lid on it, honey." I can't believe I'm saying this, but -- word. Piper blah blah their future marriage yadda yadda can't get along in the present flap flap flap. Pheebs tells Piper to talk to him. Piper "would rather just freeze him and kick him in the . . ." Ding dong! It's the Doorbell Of Oblique Titter-Inducing Gonad References. Piper goes to get it. Phoebe, in a last minute scene-stealing attempt: "In the shins?" Piper: "Not exactly."
I would like to take this opportunity to thank the writer of this episode for scripting Piper in such a way that she officially joins the rest of the cast in a collaborative effort to work every hair off my hole. How can I ever repay such a kindness?
Foyer. It's Dan "Flash" Gordon. He needs the Halliwells' help -- he's been cursed by a warlock and has lost his ability to fasten the top four buttons of his shirt. No, he's come over because he has his bitch on about Piper inviting Jenny to the concert that night. Piper denies this. Dan says Jenny is adamant that Piper said she could come, and she's picking out outfits right now. Piper says she'll talk to her. She opens the front door and Leo's standing there. Ruh-roh! Piper gives him a frosty hello. She introduces the fellas to each other. Leo wets his pants because he recognizes Dan as an "ex-second baseman for the Mariners," who retired after "blowing out" his knee. Before the guys can go get a room, Piper bitches at Leo for having the time to follow baseball, but not having the time to tell her "about you-know-what before you-know-who shows up you-know-where." Dan tries to tiptoe away from the ugliness. Piper tells him not to bother because Leo just "stops by occasionally to fix things." Piper and Dan leave. Phoebe apologizes for her sister to Leo. Hey Leo, mind taking a stab at fixing this script?
BAH. Prue struts purposefully down the hallway and is accosted by Morris. He begins: "This is where YOU say 'DARYL' and I say 'PRUE' and you say SOMETHING like 'WHAT are you doing here?'" Prue joins Owen in looking stricken. He continues: "ANDY didn't TELL me all of the STEPS in this DANCE but I'm a QUICK LEARNER." Prue tries to blow him off, since she's on her way to P3. Morris: "AS USUAL, I BARELY KNOW what's going ON, and I DON'T LIKE IT." Prue continues to be appalled. Morris asks her about JC. Prue can't tell him, so Morris ratchets the emoting up to Al Pacino-on-crack-cocaine-going-for-a-Best-Actor-Oscar-nom: "IT'S MY JOB! ANDY IS GONE! I'M NOT ANDY! AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU HAVE TO TELL ME ABOUT EVERYTHING BUT WHEN YOU AND YOUR SISTERS GET INVOLVED THE WHOLE PLAYING FIELD GOES CRAZY!!!" Prue adds meekly that things "get dangerous" also. Morris: "I'M A COP! I DON'T NEED PROTECTING!" Prue states that he has "no idea" about what's really going down. Morris: "I'M AN IMAGINATIVE GUY! I HAVE PLENTY OF IDEAS! I EVEN HAD YOU THREE WORKING FOR THE C.I.A. FOR A WHILE!" Y'all just really have to see these Dorian Gregory scenes to believe them; I was chortling heartily at this point, and not just from the image of Phoebe as an intelligence operative. Prue and Morris spend the rest of the scene winding down, with Prue assuring Morris that the Ps are working on the "missing girls." Prue bolts to the elevator. Morris adds, "I FIGURED," to the empty space she left behind. The completely impotent director of this scene must have been too stunned to yell "Cut!" because it goes on for a few more seconds in which Dorian looks toward the elevator and then back at the camera, as if to ask, "Did you get that all on tape for the Emmy selection committee?" Sure did, Dorian! Pure gold!
Gordon Manor. Piper tells Jenny that she can't come to the concert because "the state" will shut her down. Jenny, holding up a couple of skirts and neglecting to breathe as usual: "How are they going to find out are you going to tell them 'cause I'm not going to tell them do you like the red or the denim?" Dan tries to reason with the brat. Jenny snarls at him, "Yeah let's hear from Uncle Dan who never in his life faked an ID or snuck into a bar, never did anything wrong, never." At this point, if Jenny were my ward, forget about the skirts -- she'd be wearing the white print of my hand for the rest of the evening. Instead, Dan steers the conversation back to her attempted wrongdoing. Jenny: "No. We were talking about Piper. She said I could go see the show." Piper reiterates that she never said that. Dan finally asserts that Jenny's parents put him in charge of her. Jenny wails, "Sure, they put you in charge, but not me! Not ever! Why is that?" Boo hoo. Not. Jenny stands there and sobs. If the bed didn't have kinderwhore clothes strewn all over it, she probably would have flung herself upon it face-down. Dan apologizes for Jenny. (Someone please send Phoebe and Dan to the meeting of Enablers Anonymous.) Piper: "It's okay. She's feeling a little betrayed. I know the feeling." What. E. Ver. I hope replicant Piper destroyed the empty pod shell that was left beside her bed.
P3AD. A line of Dishwalla "fans" outside. Prue frets about the Mr. Gotrocks sitch. She and Pheebs decide not to alert Piper to the knowledge that he might take over the club, reasoning that they'll face "one hellish complication before another." Prue asks Phoebe if she has the poison pill. She shows it to Prue. Prue spots JC and calls him "demon boy." Piper comes over in a black spaghetti strap mini-dress and tells them to get "into position." JC walks up to Piper and compliments her on the crowd. He tells her that everything "better be" ready, because he doesn't want any problems. Piper, to JC's taillights: "That's too bad." Heh. Leo comes up to Piper. She continues the deep freeze. He wants to talk to her, but she blows him off. Weren't you just bitching that afternoon that Leo wasn't communicating with you, hon? Jeez, these dames. Please don't flame me. I'm being sarcastic.
Cut to Phoebe and Prue, the lazy Ps. Prue has abandoned the "Olga The Farm Collective Worker Goes New Wave" ensemble for a cropped black tee, brocaded capri pants, and a ponytail hairstyle with sporadic tiny braids that suggests the result of Bo Derek being cast as Olive Oyl in1980's Popeye. Pheebs is wearing a silver checkerboard-patterned napkin as a halter with matching harem pants and loincloth skirt, and a silver cord wrapped around her right bicep to collect the dollar tips. Phoebe tells Prue to "keep an eye on" her. Prue says it'll be hard not to "in that outfit." Phoebe walks up to JC and butters him up but good about recognizing him from the "MTV's Top Videos show last month." As if MTV featured managers on their programs. As if MTV shows videos anymore. He buys it, of course, especially after Pheebs says -- altogether now -- that she'll "do anything" to get closer to the band. They go off, as the Muted Siren Of Impending Danger wails in the background and the hard Ps follow.
JC takes Pheebs into a hallway and locks the door behind them. He pushes her into a shabby dressing room and locks the door. Cut to the hard Ps finding the hallway door locked. Prue throws 'tude at it, and the door flies open. Piper freezes JC in mid-bolt.
Dressing room. Masselin appears behind Pheebs. She freaks and grabs the potion balloon. Masselin flees into vapor. The hard Ps burst in and ask if she got him. Phoebe: "No! I think we need a bigger balloon." Heh. Prue calls for an emergency processing summit "to regroup." They depart out the hallway. JC unfreezes and follows them.
What kind of deodorant is used under the long arm of the law? Degree? Oh. I bet Daryl Morris goes through a case a week.
P3AD. Phoebe heaves her jiggling breasts into the main bar, waving her arms around and wailing, "He's big and ugly and we really need a bigger balloon!" (Note to writers: I've given up expecting your lines to be humorous. But I do expect them to be DIFFERENT. Work on it.) Phoebe thinks the demon bolted because he might have seen the potion. The Ps still think that JC's gonna try to feed a groupie to Masselin. Does Phoebe still have the balloon? She does. They decide to cover the club entrances and follow JC. Piper says she wants to "stuff his head up a toilet and make him cough up the demon." Phoebe thinks she's talking about Leo, but no, get this -- Piper's really talking about JC! Phoebe's rather Ruthie Camden-ish retort: "I can't keep up!" Bwa ha ha! Well, I guess you had to see it. And consumed seven fingers of bourbon.
Dressing room. Masselin meets with JC. Masselin is wigged about the witches and the potion. JC, in some of the worst blue-screen acting I've ever seen, is told to tempt the Halliwells into a trap by using "an innocent soul."
Outside P3AD. Cut to Jenny, dressed up to trick-or-treat as jailbait in a lycra midriff top and black mini-skirt, working her way through the crowd and up to something because she's "excusing" and "pardoning" herself to the front of the line. Jenny has been bobbing successfully for lip gloss in a tub of rouge and eyeshadow, in a pathetic attempt to pass for legal that would only fool a drunken Roman Polanski. She makes it all the way to the bouncer without getting stoned to death by the others in the queue, but Mr. Gotrocks and his date are blocking the entrance. Bouncer isn't letting Mr. G in because he's not on the list. Mr. Gotrocks tells Bouncer to check "G for Grant" and slips him a fifty. Mr. G gets into club, and his date is visibly impressed, probably because that's about twice her hourly fee. Jenny slips into the club in the background.
Inside P3AD. Some announcer asks us to "put our hands together" for Dishwalla! Sorry guy, I can't -- my hands will be covering my ears. And yes, I'm bitter, because it looks like Spelling Productions won't be taking me up on my e-mailed suggestions that the Halliwell sisters form their own rock band and tour outer space.
Cut to Leo and Piper fighting some more. Piper asks Leo what he wants. She asks him if he ever wants "to discuss it with [her]?" Hey Replicant Piper, he wanted to discuss it with you ten minutes ago! Leo blames their troubles on "the timing." Tuba bleat -- just then, Morris enters the club! Piper puts their fight on hold, and goes over to Prue with the news that the fuzz is there. Tuba bleat -- just then, Prue spots Mr. Gotrocks in the club! The hard Ps bolt elsewhere. JC sees Phoebe and tells two Mr. Clean lookalikes that she has something "illegal" in her purse. Civil rights be damned, they grab the potion balloon out of her satchel. She struggles with them, and the balloon bursts, spewing steaming goo all over her loin-skirt. The Mr. Cleans: "What the hell is that?" Pheebs: "That is a $75 dry cleaning bill." Zing!
Cut to Jenny in the club, all proud and shit. JC approaches her and offers her candy, suggesting they go back to his van behind the playground for a game of "Snake in the Bag." Actually, he offers to introduce her to Dishwalla, and (natch) she'll "do anything." Y'all know the drill.
Cut to Mr. Gotrocks greeting Prue. Piper comes up and asks who he is. Mr. Gotrocks whips out his little penis (tm Wing, again) and starts outlining his hostile takeover of Piper's humble nightspot. Just then, Morris comes up. He prepares to get his bitch on again. Phoebe runs up with the news that Jenny's there with JC, and she just lost the potion. Mr. Gotrocks and Morris start to fight over whom gets to lord it over the Ps first. Piper freezes everyone. Pan to Mr. Gotrocks in mid-flap. Pan to Morris in "bad cop" attitude. Pan to JC escorting Jenny to certain doom all the way across the crowded club. I'm thinking the writers are aiming for the sophisticated chaos of French farce here, but unfortunately they don't even achieve Chinese fire drill. The Ps run through the frozen thirtysomething extras, er, "club kids," but the scene is unfrozen before they can rescue Jenny.
Cut to JC throwing Jenny into the dressing room. She gets her wee bitch on. Masselin appears. The large shadow of his crab-leg hand covers Jenny's face as she screams in terror. Isn't that a terrific scene? Last weekend I watched it on continuous loop while eating whole cans of frosting just like Goldie Hawn at the beginning of Death Becomes Her.
The Blair Witch Project on video. I hope the "undiscovered footage" includes an effective ending.
P3AD. Piper runs to the hallway door. Prue tells her to stop. Piper: "Jenny's in there." Prue: "Do we really care if she lives or dies? I mean, really?" Actually, Prue stops the rescue attempt because the Ps no longer have the potion. Piper continues to be concerned about Jenny's death. JC opens the hallway door. Prue flings him backwards into the ever-present, conveniently-stacked empty cardboard boxes. Ouch! The Ps strut up to a prone JC and demand his help in fighting Masselin. JC can't, because the demon will kill him. Piper: "Listen up, skidmark. You tell us how to save Jenny and get Elvis out of the building or spending an eternity in hell is going to be the least of your worries." Word -- except for the "save Jenny" idea. In return, the Ps will free JC from his pact with the demon. JC says he can't help, and if they go in to confront Masselin, he will swallow them alive. Prue thinks this is "not a bad idea," because once they're eaten she can use her power to blow Masselin up. Phoebe nixes that plan because their powers might not work inside the belly of the beast, and that might be "what Masselin wants." Prue tells her they have no choice because the potion is gone. Phoebe shows off the stain on her skirt and queries, "Is it?" Feel free to insert a Monica Lewinsky joke in here; I don't have the energy.
Phoebe, who must still have remnants of her "jay kwan doh" training, miraculously kicks open the locked door to the dressing room. Masselin comes out and tells the witches that it's "time to join your friends." The ghost of Dorothy Parker adds, "And Jenny." Masselin reveals Jenny's Saran-Wrapped face in his chest. Prue looks at Phoebe's skirt and telekinetically flings it into the demon's maw. He explodes, just as Mr. Gotrocks enters the room. Mr. G gets slimed and falls against the far wall onto -- you're catching on now -- some stacks of empty cardboard boxes. On the floor where the demon used to be: the missing groupies. Morris rushes into the dressing room and takes in the tableau -- the pile of dazed half-naked girls and the guy slumped in the corner with puke running down his face and chest -- and demands to be clued in on what's going on, as if this is an uncommon sight backstage at a rock concert. Prue explains that Morris is "catching a kidnapper, and rescuing his victims." She tells him to trust her, because "that's all [he] need[s] to know." Morris cuffs JC. Good luck trying that case in court, San Francisco DA. Prue walks over to Mr. Gotrocks and gives him a dose of what's good for him: "Here's what you need to know. This place is ours. The ups. The downs. The good and, especially, the bad. If you ever bother us again, you won't have to ask if I'm threatening you. Are we clear?" Mr. Gotrocks begs Prue to stop dropping anvils on his head, and assents.
Since we have time left over, and Warner Brothers CDs to sell, the last five minutes of the show consist of the following scenes: Dishwalla screeching out protest rock as blondes writhe in front of the stage. A group shot of the Ps allegedly watching and enjoying the band. Alyssa Milano showing off her caps, woo-hooing and clapping her hands above her head in a shameless audition for the lead role in the direct-to-video sequel Another Other Sister. Shannen Doherty, hands on hips, realizing that although she left before the dawn of the After Dark it was really all for naught, and damning karma. Holly Marie Combs gritting her teeth in the semblance of a smile, mortified that her Picket Fences castmates might actually see this. These vignettes are repeated, in sequence, forty-three times.
P3AD. People are still lined up outside. Get. Lives.
Halliwell Manor. The day. Sunroom. Piper in pigtails, writing checks. The lazy Ps bound into the room, both sporting boudoir hair and camisole tops. They sit their asses down (natch). Phoebe wonders if they should thank Leo for making P3 solvent. Piper gives her the stink-eye. Then she gives the lazy Ps grief about scheming behind her back with Mr. Gotrocks. She found out because the bank called, notifying her that Mr. G withdrew his offer to pick up the loan. The Ps explain that they were just trying to help, and "didn't expect an expert double-cross." Piper, cutting them far more slack than she did poor Leo, forgives them immediately for their deceit. Prue apologizes. Phoebe, making this weird mea-culpa open palm gesture, baby-voices, "Wee-ah thorreee!" Oy. Piper blathers on about her epiphany that "personal relationships and business don't mix well." Doorbell. Piper (natch) gets it. Don't get up, lazy Ps!
Foyer. It's Leo, come to pick up some hard cheese. Unlike Dan, he owns and wears undershirts. Piper tells him that she got Jenny home safe. Leo adds that Dan doesn't know she was at the club, and Jenny doesn't remember anything. Piper: "You erase memories now?" Leo: "I make pain go away." Yippee! Jenny must have disappeared altogether! Leo tells Piper that Masselin's other victims will be fine. He changes the subject to ask Piper if she meant what she said last season -- that she loves him. She does. Does she still mean it? She does. Does she send Leo down the road anyway? She does, but in an indefinite, ratings pumping way that will allow them to break up some more (tm xix) for the rest of the season. Leo hears his pager tinkle and blue lights away. Piper goes out on the porch to pout. She spots Dan getting his mail. They wave at each other. He goes into Gordon Manor. She gives him another quick glance. What could that possibly mean?