Episode Report Card Gustave: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Amnesia and other personality disorders
By Gustave | Season 1 | Episode 17 | Aired on 03.25.2002
More psycho seventies piano music plays -- you know, that ominous "tinkle tinkle tinkle" that's in every suburban horror film -- as Bride and JLH's PRS pass a place that Bride insists looks familiar to her. JLH's PRS pulls into the driveway of this cute little outdoorsy restaurant where there is so much lush vegetation everywhere that they ought to call it the Venus Flytrap Café. Bride runs out of the car like a woman possessed. She walks through the slate-floored interior and into the shady back garden adorned with vine-covered latticework, and proclaims that she's definitely been there before. "I was with someone," she says. "Your husband?" prods the tertiary guest star. "Not your husband?" Bride touches her fingers to her lips and leaves the question unanswered. You see, boys and girls, the sauce that's good for the Kiefer is good for the Bride of Kiefer. That's right. During the separation, Bride wasn't sitting around the house eating Snackwells and popping Xanax. She was out taking advantage of those dollar margaritas at the local Mexican restaurant, shaking her groove thing, and writing poetry in exclusively lowercase letters with no punctuation like the lusty worldly woman she truly is! She was having some unicorn sex of her own! And now that she's got amnesia, the only way back to her forgotten past is through those hot lonely nights. Okay, maybe we don't know that already…but we know this already. JLH's PRS asks for a maitre d' or a manager. The waiter replies that "Mr. Martin" will be in shortly. Okay, since when do restaurant managers insist on being called "Mister" anything? "Maybe this Mr. Martin knows something about me," says Bride, caressing the glossy solid wood chairs. She decides to stay, and asks JLH's PRS for her number so she can send her "whatever I can afford" later on. "Know what?" says JLH's PRS in that scratchy Courtney voice. "Send me whatever you can afford…plus ten dollars." She leaves Bride a ten spot for cab fare to the nearest hospital, and exits. Buh-bye, Jennifer Love Hewitt's Punk-Rock Super.
Back at the Palmer hotel, Nina finishes "prepping" Faux-licity by reminding her that she's got to act like she normally does around TakeOnKief. Oh, like jumping his bones the second she enters the room, you mean? Nina sympathizes, working girl to working girl, with Faux-licity on the highs and lows of risky relationships. Palmer enters and tries to talk Faux-licity out of going through with Operation Vagina. Faux-licity insists that she really really wants to. Palmer pulls Kiefer aside and chastises him for putting Faux-licity at risk. Kiefer explains that he's got the room hooked up, and he and all the CTU SWAT team members will be there to save Faux-licity should anything go wrong. Palmer doesn't like the idea of Faux-licity being alone with a professional killer, no matter how close Kiefer is. Kiefer argues that the only way to stop the assassination is to follow LittleTerrorBrother and see where he leads them. Palmer is koncerned that Kiefer is doing something risky, motivated by the desire for "payback" over what his own family went through…hell, is going through. He tells Kiefer that Faux-licity's parents are old friends, and he's known Faux-licity since she was born. Therefore, he's holding Kiefer responsible if anything infelicitous happens to Faux-licity. The velvety Sutherland voice lowers to a smoky whisper. The vibrations emanating from that mellifluous purr soothe the Senator's nerves and promise that Operation Vagina will go as smoothly and as velvetily as the KieferVoice itself. Palmer, in spite of his better judgment, gives a good luck thumbs-up to Faux-licity and exits. The time is 4:10:32 PM.