Episode Report Card Potes: A- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Lipstick on a Pigford
By Potes | Season 17 | Episode 7 | Aired on 10.26.2011
Nigel then introduces the unfortunately named Ben Bennett, founder and creative director at Hatch Beauty. Ben's clients include some of the largest beauty and fragrance brands from around the world, which are so big that they can't be named, I guess. Ben will help the girls each select three scents, which will be blended by his team. They all come in little very scientific looking bottles with droppers, and I kind of want to smell them all even though I'm sure that they'd make me sneeze. Each model will get to name her own fragrance, with all that stupid branding shit in mind. Lisa says that her fragrance shall be named "Neon," which represents beach-Cali-love-fun. Being very Lisa, it smells like Bengay, prune juice and cheesecake on the lanai. Laura sniffs the dropper bottles next, for her fragrance, "Love." She declares that it's sassy and sexy. I believe that it has the scent of fresh manure in the morning, clearance fabric from Jo-Ann's, and a note of backseat handjob in a vintage Ford pickup truck.
Dominique's fragrance is called "Survivor." Beyonce doesn't already have a lock on that one? It smells like dust, and two things you can't muster the energy to care about. Shannon's fragrance is called "Smitten," and has the scent of unsullied hymen mixed with notes of a thrift store Bible and Jimmy Swaggart's tears. She loves the name "Smitten," which she says means pure and angelic. Like, smitten with the Lord? What word is she actually thinking of? Lisa tells us that Shannon's Christian thing is great and whatever, but her brand is confusing. She's not sure what Shannon is selling, other than herself short. I wish a magician or evil witch would come on this show and just turn Shannon into a big, dumb golden retriever that best represents her true spiritual self. Her impact would be exactly the same if she went through the competition as a pretty dog.
And then, Angelea develops a fragrance called -- wait for it! -- "Angelea." I can't believe this isn't actually addressed on the show, because it's my favorite thing to ever happen. "Angelea" smells like a Greyhound station bathroom, slightly funky armpit, and the eastern shores of Lake Erie. Then there's Allison, whose fragrance is called "Honey Blood." Ben Bennet repeats after her: "...Honey Blood." Allison confirms: "Honey Blood." She tells us that even though -- or perhaps because! -- it has the word "blood" in it, it's appropriate for her. We are reminded that Allison sketched that portrait of Tyra with a nosebleed, which I hope is on display in Andre Leon Talley's salon at this very moment. Allison's fragrance has notes of a hipster-overrun Salvation Army, mixed with a vampire's morning breath and overtones of kitten. Stupid Kayla names her scent "Free," because she's taken all the branding stuff way too literally. She explains that she's free from her story, and growing from her story, and then reminds us that she grew up having to sleep on the floor. Kayla represents the hope that you can come from a whole lotta nothing, and make a little bit of something. When she puts it that way, I feel a little bad saying that her fragrance smells like Portia de Rossi's eyelashes, Ani DiFranco's toenails, and the exhaust of a Southwest airplane that has removed two ladies for making out in seats 13A and 13B.