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Okay, is it just me, or was this the weirdest Top Model episode on record? Four words: "Inspired by Nene Leakes." But I'm getting ahead of myself. With Bre's elimination, Bianca is clique-less amidst a bunch of cliquey hyenas. But don't fret! This doesn't make her any nicer, and in fact she gets into it with Alexandria before the credits even roll. Something about the shower, I don't know. For this week's challenge, the girls get to work with Ben Bennett, founder and creative director of Hatch Beauty, to make their own signature fragrance. Then maybe they can make millions of dollars just like Liz Taylor does, even from the dead! Each model chooses three fragrances that will be blended into a perfume that they get to name themselves, and which represents them. Shannon's "Smitten" smells like an unsullied hymen. Angelea names her fragrance "Angelea," which does not get nearly enough attention. It smells like a romantic evening spent in a Greyhound station. Just when you'd think that Allison takes the prize with her fragrance named "Honey Blood," Alexandria comes along and makes a very exacting blend called -- wait for it! -- "Diamondatrix." In the words of my beloved Bianca, "That girl can work a nerve."
The second part of the challenge has the girls launching their fragrance at an event with fans. Each has a station that includes a bathtub and a lot of scented products. Nigel wants the girls to be in the bathtubs selling their product. Most of them are game for this, but Bianca finds the whole idea to be crazy and undignified. She wants to conduct herself as a lady, and to be taken seriously as a model rather than as a gimmick. Well, she sure picked the wrong show. But good for her for having a grasp of the concept of self-respect. As the other girls splash around in lingerie or cocktail dresses, Bianca stands stoic, even when approached by Nigel and special guest Eva Marcille. That's Eva Marcille NEE PIGFORD. Never forget, people. Never forget. Lisa splashes her way to victory in this challenge, with a fragrance that I can only imagine smells like prune juice. She wins immunity this week, and Nigel also announces that the winner of this season will be the face of some sort of ANTM-related fragrance that will combine the spicy aroma of a booty tooch with subtle notes of beer-infused weave.
And then this happens: For the photo shoot of the week, the girls ride around Hollywood on the back of a motorcycle while portraying either Snooki or NeNe Leakes. I KNOW. The words "Inspired by NeNe Leakes" appear as a caption like five times. I was so shocked by this development that I honestly couldn't really pay attention for a full 20 minutes. Bianca makes some bad choices regarding pickles, and Lisa, in character as Nene, actually says to Jay Manuel: "Black girls don't go on motorcycles." Alexandria waves her finger. I don't know. And then Kathy Griffin is the guest judge. She does a bit with Tyra, and also calls Allison out for looking like a Brady Bunch kid. Imagine her singing "Sunshine Day," and you'll agree that it's a good call. As she predicted, the judges ask Bianca why she didn't splash around in a bathtub with her perfume as instructed, and her argument that Beyoncé wouldn't do it goes unappreciated by all. The judges are very excited to put her in her place, and she lands in the bottom three along with Shannon and Kayla. It's a double elimination, and even though she's lost her sizzle, Shannon is spared. Kayla and Bianca are sent home to the sounds of me sobbing.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!We enter in the post elimination limo, where Lisa has released a solitary tear in memory of the late Bre Scullark. Lisa was shocked at Bre's elimination, and reminds us that the two of them were on the same cycle initially. Doesn't that seem impossible? I mean, partly because I thought Lisa was on Top Model: Cycle B.C. Lisa predicts that things will get interesting in the house now that Bianca doesn't have a bodyguard. We flash back to Bre physically creating a protective zone and insisting that everything was good as Bianca accused people of being crying Christians and whatnot. For her part, Lisa would enjoy seeing a nice, peaceful exit on Bianca's part. Shocker, I know, given how much those two enjoy and respect one another as friends and competitors.
Meanwhile, we are reminded that Alexandria was in the bottom two with Bre and did not go home. It's like each week I turn on this show and forget everything that happened before, and am shocked afresh that Alexandria is still lurking about. Tyra Banks lives to torture us, and that's the truth. Tyra told Alexandria that she looked like a reality TV contestant in her photos. Alexandria was upset by this, even though it was merely a statement of fact. And, given what takes place in this week's photo shoot, it was also laced with either irony or cluelessness. Shannon then jumps in to say that the judges told her last week to be more edgy and less safe in her pictures. She interprets this as them wanting her to be raunchier. Take one guess as to whether Shannon is down with being raunchy. Shannon explains that raunchiness does not mix well with her Godly brand, and she's not changing for anybody. I love how every time anyone gives her a suggestion, she feels that they want her to let Lucifer sodomize her or something. It's very tiresome, no?
The girls return home and see Dominique's best of week photo displayed as digital art. Can you believe she's still here, too? It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world. Bianca is not happy to see Dominique's photo up there, and says that she's kind of adrift since her BFF Bre went home. Basically, it sounds like she has no friends. She explains that the house is very cliquey, and she is currently clique-less. Bianca is alone in the wilderness, with a bunch of hyenas surrounding her. It's a pretty astute metaphor, particularly if you get a good look at Lisa's profile. Bianca knows that she needs a game plan if she's going to avoid being a hyena snack.
Angelea reiterates to us that things in the house are crazy, and adds that Bianca and Alexandria had some sort of disagreement about who was to get in the shower first. We see this in action, and it basically involves Bianca telling Alexandria to calm down, and Alexandria telling Bianca to grow up. Bianca interviews that she made the impossible possible by actually liking Alexandria last season and genuinely believing that she was misunderstood. However, now that Bianca has gotten to know Alexandria, she can see why the other girls all unabashedly hated her so much. Alexandria then gives Bianca shit about not being as "real" as she claims, and Bianca gives the verbal equivalent of a touch football "Bam!" by tossing a dismissive, "Call me when you become an all-star," over her shoulder. With this, we hit the credits.
When we return, there is Tyra Mail: "If it doesn't make dollars, it doesn't make sense. Fierce and love, Tyra." I don't think this is strictly true, particularly when you look at something like Modelland which probably DID make dollars but will never, ever make sense. Lisa jokes that she's in this business to make hundreds and hundreds of dollars, and the models all laugh because they are more self-aware than we give them credit for. We cut to a few of the ladies doing their hair. Kayla asks Bianca, "What's my strength?" Oh no, is this some horrible time of day known as "Candid Hour with Bianca"? It just seems like not a good idea. Bianca tells Kayla that her strength is that she's a good model. When Kayla asks what her weakness is, Bianca says that Kayla doesn't have a personality that translates to a broader audience. I think she's being kind of tactful there, as she's not saying that Kayla has no personality at all, but rather that it just doesn't come across on this particular TV show. Even Kayla acknowledges that this is kind of true.
In turn, Kayla tells Bianca that her strength is that she's very memorable, and her weakness is that she can be portrayed as a bitch, and bitches never win. This statement is clearly a falsehood, as evidenced by this very episode's second-billed special guest, Miss Eva "Marcille" Pigford. I think what Kayla means is that "Bitches who don't let Tyra break them down never win." That statement I could get behind. But if you're willing to cry and have a season-long transformation arc, there's really nothing stopping you but your own inability to tooch. Kayla tells Bianca that not everybody's going to like her, which Bianca frankly seems fine with, and Bianca then tells Kayla that you just don't want to be the person Tyra labels as "forgettable." Do you remember, back in the day, there was one person who Tyra pretended to forget to even judge, because of how non-existent her personality supposedly was? She was like, "Oooh! I didn't even see you there!" [Note: Nicole, Cycle 3 -- RS.] Sometimes this shit is worse than a Kardashian wedding.
The girls head to the historic roof of the historic Roosevelt Hotel, where Nigel awaits them. He notes that historic guests such as Marilyn Monroe and Elizabeth Taylor all enjoyed their stays at the Roosevelt. Does he have customer survey archives or something? "Elizabeth Taylor rated her stay at the Roosevelt an eight out of possible ten points!" Speaking of Liz, the girls will today be creating something that brought her over $60 million in sales last year alone! Memorial turbans, you say? No, it's White Diamonds from the Dead! The girls will be creating their own signature fragrance. They seem excited, though I have to say that celebrity fragrances always make me want to gag, with one great exception -- Uninhibited by Cher. Yes, I still have some. I mean, I never wear it, but I do like to gaze upon it lovingly from time to time.
Nigel then introduces the unfortunately named Ben Bennett, founder and creative director at Hatch Beauty. Ben's clients include some of the largest beauty and fragrance brands from around the world, which are so big that they can't be named, I guess. Ben will help the girls each select three scents, which will be blended by his team. They all come in little very scientific looking bottles with droppers, and I kind of want to smell them all even though I'm sure that they'd make me sneeze. Each model will get to name her own fragrance, with all that stupid branding shit in mind. Lisa says that her fragrance shall be named "Neon," which represents beach-Cali-love-fun. Being very Lisa, it smells like Bengay, prune juice and cheesecake on the lanai. Laura sniffs the dropper bottles , for her fragrance, "Love." She declares that it's sassy and sexy. I believe that it has the scent of fresh manure in the morning, clearance fabric from Jo-Ann's, and a note of backseat handjob in a vintage Ford pickup truck.
Dominique's fragrance is called "Survivor." Beyonce doesn't already have a lock on that one? It smells like dust, and two things you can't muster the energy to care about. Shannon's fragrance is called "Smitten," and has the scent of unsullied hymen mixed with notes of a thrift store Bible and Jimmy Swaggart's tears. She loves the name "Smitten," which she says means pure and angelic. Like, smitten with the Lord? What word is she actually thinking of? Lisa tells us that Shannon's Christian thing is great and whatever, but her brand is confusing. She's not sure what Shannon is selling, other than herself short. I wish a magician or evil witch would come on this show and just turn Shannon into a big, dumb golden retriever that best represents her true spiritual self. Her impact would be exactly the same if she went through the competition as a pretty dog.
And then, Angelea develops a fragrance called -- wait for it! -- "Angelea." I can't believe this isn't actually addressed on the show, because it's my favorite thing to ever happen. "Angelea" smells like a Greyhound station bathroom, slightly funky armpit, and the eastern shores of Lake Erie. Then there's Allison, whose fragrance is called "Honey Blood." Ben Bennet repeats after her: "...Honey Blood." Allison confirms: "Honey Blood." She tells us that even though -- or perhaps because! -- it has the word "blood" in it, it's appropriate for her. We are reminded that Allison sketched that portrait of Tyra with a nosebleed, which I hope is on display in Andre Leon Talley's salon at this very moment. Allison's fragrance has notes of a hipster-overrun Salvation Army, mixed with a vampire's morning breath and overtones of kitten. Stupid Kayla names her scent "Free," because she's taken all the branding stuff way too literally. She explains that she's free from her story, and growing from her story, and then reminds us that she grew up having to sleep on the floor. Kayla represents the hope that you can come from a whole lotta nothing, and make a little bit of something. When she puts it that way, I feel a little bad saying that her fragrance smells like Portia de Rossi's eyelashes, Ani DiFranco's toenails, and the exhaust of a Southwest airplane that has removed two ladies for making out in seats 13A and 13B.
Bianca's fragrance is called "Candid," and even though it's the same as her lame branding word, she tells us that that's okay because it actually does represent who she is quite well. Ben recommends scents that evoke a cool, tough bad girl. "Candid" smells like stank, mixed with notes of Queens on trash day. Bianca tells us that she wants it to smell like her personality, so I'd say that's more or less accurate. Then there's fucking Alexandria, who names her fragrance "Diamondatrix." It smells like rotting brains. Alexandria takes about a year to sniff all of the various fragrances as the other girls make faces behind her back. Let's leave it to my beloved, candid Bianca to assess this situation: "Wrap this up. People are yawning, the sun just rose and set. Christmastime arrived, and we're back in the summer. That girl can work a nerve."
Nigel reappears to tell the girls that he hopes they created a million dollar fragrance, and will in fact be launching their smelly wares to their fans and the general public tonight. Each contestant will be assigned a station, which consists of a bathtub filled with water, their perfume, and bath and shower gel infused with their various fragrances. Nigel tells the girls that they should literally be in the bathtub, selling their fragrances to the public, from the bath. None of the ladies look like they think this is very fun. But Nigel says that it's important, and that their fans will be scoring them and determining the challenge winner. What's more, the winner of the challenge will be safe from elimination at this week's judging. Laura suddenly is beside herself with excitement, or maybe she's having an episode. Somebody should probably stick a wallet in her mouth either way.
The girls are instructed to get glammed up, and they seem to have wardrobe and makeup selections waiting for them backstage. Bianca is the unhappiest of all, and says that the whole thing is crazy. She adds that Eva would never lower herself to selling perfume from a bathtub, and neither would Toccara. Nor, she says, would Tyra, who conducts herself as a business woman. I think Bianca is forgetting about how Tyra once outfitted herself as the "Good Fierce Witch." It's just, you know, she's fucking crazy. But Bianca plans to conduct herself as a lady. In an interview she asks, "When am I going to be taken seriously as a model, rather than a gimmick?" Probably when she stops appearing on America's Top Model altogether, I'm thinking. Bianca says that she knows her brand better than anyone else and knows when to say no. She tells the other ladies that you'll never get respect as long as you keep doing stupid shit, and you can tell by Lisa's face that she's long since given up on "respect" as a concept or practice. As Lisa says that Bianca's digging herself into a hole, and we reflect on how lovely it is to see someone actually call this show out on its shit, we head to commercials.
When we return, the launch party is in full swing. There is a red carpet, and fans, and, judging by Laura's extra-drunken voice, readily available booze. Additionally, there is a special guest: Eva "Marcille," winner of Cycle 3. You may remember her as Eva the Diva. I personally remember her best as Eva Pigford, because that is her name. Marcille = lipstick on a Pigford. Eva has a microphone and interviews the girls, asking them, "What sets your fragrance aside from everyone else's?" That's a particularly great Freudian slip, and for a moment I hope they'll all answer literally, like, "Oh, it's true, mine sucks too. Don't even bother, just put it over there and forget about it." By the way, Eva looks kind of insane, with white-blonde hair that will burn your retinas if you stare too long. Laura is her cute self when Eva interviews her, talking about how sweet and natural-smelling her fragrance is. Lisa, looking like she just crawled out of a dumpster after a particularly memorable bender, talks about "Neon" and how she's a Cali girl and let's have a good time blah. I can't imagine that, seeing her in such a state, I'd actually want to smell like her. But people are strange.
The girls take their bathtub stations, and while Lisa instantly splashes around in the tub, some of the others are just standing there talking to people normally. Some ladies wear bathing suits, and Laura appears to be wearing red lingerie, but again some are fully clothed. Allison seems to be taking the best approach, which is to stand fully-clothed in the tub. Only her feet are wet, but she's technically in there. If only Bianca had consulted her for strategy! Kayla is in a bikini and offers to pose "Free" when Nigel stops by. He instructs her to get all the way in the tub, and she does. It's a real, "Dance, monkey!" moment. Nigel tells us that though Kayla's brand is "free," she's actually a little timid, and that nervousness translates. Meanwhile, Allison tells some folks that "Honey Blood" is whimsical and mysterious and soft, like a safe place to go. Everyone is like, "...Honey Blood?" And Allison is like, "...Honey Blood."
Alexandria soggily lets some dudes paw all over her, and it looks like Dominique is fully wet as well. We cut to Bianca, looking miserable as a big cheer goes up at the station to hers. We then see that the station belongs to Lisa, who's dancing around in her on-brand neon bathing suit. She yells about having fun and life being too short and then bounces around to more cheers. Nigel says that with Lisa, regardless of whether you actually like or care about her, there's a big splash, and she's noisy. So the key to success is being noisy. Noted! Pigford agrees, and says that because Lisa was having a good time, she had a good time as well. She says that Lisa is a great spokesperson, and we cut to Lisa splashing her legs around in the tub some more.
You will not be surprised when I tell you that Bianca does not approve. She says that Lisa is a mess. Bianca's philosophy is that you should take yourself seriously as a model, and not just be a spectacle. In the Top Model world, Bianca is totally fighting the man. She's occupying Smize Street. Although I do kind of wonder how this is less of a spectacle than shoving a hot dog down your maw for the cameras. Some dudes ask Bianca why she's not in the tub, and she tells them that it's not really her personality. They tell her that Nigel is going to make her go in there, and Bianca replies that Nigel knows not to mess with her. She interviews that she's never seen Beyonce or Tyra in a tub. While that's not strictly true if you do a Google image search, I agree that you wouldn't think of Beyonce flopping around in a clawfoot during an actual event. Bianca is prepared to take on the judges if she must, and is determined to stand her ground. Nigel rolls over and encourages Bianca to be candid whilst in the tub, and Bianca reiterates that it's not her thing. Nigel tells her that "candid" and a frown don't go together. Okay, number one, she's smiling. And two, yes they do. Shut up, Nigel. Kayla's position on the whole thing is that sometimes if you want to get paid you have to do stupid shit. I guess it's hard to argue with that.
All around the party, people are getting drunk and falling into bathtubs with pretty ladies. And the models are encouraging the fans to give them high ratings on their surveys. Shannon tells us how much she loves the word "smitten," and Nigel gives her some shit about whether he's head over heels and blindly in love, and then says if you're smitten you'll fall backwards in a tub, which he does. He says, "I'm smitten," which actually means, "I'm wasted." It is worth noting that Shannon doesn't look wet at all. She didn't get in any damn tub, either. Eva tells us that Shannon is too caught up in her own trustworthy, virginal, godly image, and won't go outside of that. And yet Nigel still tries to passively-aggressively bone her whenever they're in close proximity!
The ladies head back up to the Roosevelt roof for their evaluation. Nigel says again that he hopes they created a million dollar fragrance, and adds that the winner of this cycle will be the face of a new America's Top Model fragrance developed by Hatch Beauty. It shall be called "Smize," and will smell like beer-infused weave with notes of umeboshi. Eva announces that the best, most sellable, and most marketable model, and thus the winner of the fragrance challenge, is Lisa. Is she going to win this whole season? This is the moment when the terror becomes real. Bianca tells us that she predicts a double elimination soon, and wants to bring this home, but is not for sale. Quoth Bianca, "If I had to do the perfume challenge all over again, I wouldn't change anything except my shoes." As she plants her glam tent firmly on Tooch Avenue, we occupy a commercial break.
When we return, there is yet more Tyra Mail: "The reality is, sometimes you just go along for the ride! Fierce and Love, Tyra." Someone predicts that they'll be on a scary ride, and Lisa gives a giant scream of excitement. Crazy! The girls meet up with Jay Manuel, who tells them that they're in store for a night shoot. Involving motorcycles! This on its own would be enough, right? But alas, there's more. Jay lies that Tyra came up with a great idea to help the girls step outside their comfort zones and give energy on set. He then says, "You know there's this whole new breed of young reality stars that are known for their over the top personalities." Is this a joke? On Cycle Fucking Seventeen of America's Top Model? The girls will be portraying either Jersey Shore's Snooki or "young reality star" NeNe Leakes of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. I actually blew a blood vessel in my brain when this was announced. At least it gives Bianca an excuse to actually choke someone. Alexandria is the unlikely voice of reason in this scenario, telling us, "I was just told that I looked like a reality TV star. So how the hell am I supposed to get my high fashion back by portraying a reality TV star?" When multiple models call the show out on its shit and these comments make it to air, you know that Occupy Smize Street is no longer a fringe movement. Vive la resistance!
The girls get made up in their NeNe/Snooki looks, and Kayla Snookies it up by giving another model a lap dance. Shannon isn't a fan of Jersey Shore, and says that this shall be an interesting shoot since she doesn't know Snooki's "mannerisms" -- e.g, how to be a drunken whore. Jay brings in photographer and perennial Top Model favorite Mike Rosenthal, and we jump to the actual nighttime shoot. Laura is first up, and hops on the back of a motorcycle in her full NeNe look. She says that she has personality in abundance to make up for being such a shorty, and so the shoot will be no problem. Laura veers just a little into finger-waving territory, but tries to be modelesque while portraying someone who, though one million feet tall, is not actually a model. I must also mention that the NeNe wig is truly a thing of wonder.
Kayla is in her "Inspired by Snooki" shoot. She's going for Snooki in the face, and model in the body. I have to say, Kayla manages to still look gorgeous under that Bumpit. However, Jay tells us that Kayla got distracted by people screaming and hollering on the street during the shoot. Mike adds that Kayla wasn't really sure of herself, and wasted a lot of time. That can't be good. Angelea is up , and is impressed by the fact that she has a police escort. She is inspired by NeNe, and looks kind of insane. Angelea also gets distracted and excited when a fan mistakes her for Tyra Banks. Lisa is also to be inspired by NeNe, but has never watched The Real Housewives of Atlanta (for shame!), so she doesn't know who she is. Bianca helps her out by telling her that NeNe would never be on the back of a motorcycle, but if she was she'd be like, "Chiiiiiiiiiild!" Or she'd be choking someone, no lie. Bianca then puts in a bid for pop-cultural competency by saying how weird it is that a lot of the other models want to be in the business, but don't watch television. This is why I watch so much TV, too! It's professional research, bitches. Bianca continues to be helpful to the others until she remembers that this is a competition, and then shuts up with a good-natured laugh. See, she's not evil at all, except when she is.
Lisa approaches set in character, and actually says these words: "Black girls don't go on motorcycles, 'cause my hair, honey." Yes, Lisa D'Amato just referred to herself as a black girl. She's also, while not exactly in blackface, kind of in orangeface. She's darkened, is all I'm saying. Jay is blown away by Lisa's performance, which involves sexually molesting the guy driving the motorcycle. Allison is , inspired by Snooki. She apparently does a great job, and it seems like her eyes may actually be glowing in the dark. Dominique is the Snooki on the bike. Mike says that he gives her points for taking risks, even though some of them didn't work so well. Dominique takes the bandana off of her motorcycle-driving escort, which is not as controversial a move as if she had tried it on Bret Michaels.
Meanwhile, Bianca has requested a jar of pickles to help her get in character as Snooki. She tells us that she never thought one jar of pickles would cause so much drama. Shannon apparently wants to share in the pickle bounty, but Bianca won't allow it. In keeping with her brand, Shannon says, "It's okay! I don't need a pickle anyway!" Bianca also refuses Allison a pickle, even though Allison is just hungry. She admits that it's a little shady to keep the pickles to herself, but rationalizes it as being competitive and not bitchy. I actually think she's right about that. If she has the brains to get a prop that makes sense, she's under no obligation to share. Unfortunately for Bianca, the prop doesn't work out quite as well as planned. Jay doesn't seem to be aware of Snooki's love for pickles, and actually has to instruct Bianca not to make the garlic dill look like a penis. Quoth Jay, "Bianca's choice of a pickle was not a good one. It was very phallic." Mike agrees that it's too porno, and eventually Jay takes the pickle away. Did this cross no one's mind during the hot dog shoot? Jay then instructs Bianca to have more Snooki influence in her posing, and actually uses the words, "Not too modelly!" That is the most cogent three-word summary of this show to date.
Alexandria gets on the motorcycle in her "Inspired by NeNe" getup. You guys, there is so much finger-waving. I just...ugh. I'm surprised she didn't ask for a fried chicken prop. Jay thinks it looks weird for non-racial reasons, saying, "Who are you waving at? You're riding on a bike!" He thinks the whole thing feels amateurish. Shannon is on the motorcycle, and has a bit of a difficult time channeling Snooki, despite Jay's instruction to make it feel like there's a party happening on the back of the bike. Shannon reminds us that she is in fact the opposite of anything that happens on Jersey Shore -- like all of the seven deadlies, for example -- but thinks she might be able to portray a tamed-down Snooki. Jay is unimpressed by Shannon's signature arm-above-head pose, as well as her "wild side." And that's a wrap!
Back at the house, there is Tyra Mail of Doom. Someone is going home. Bianca puts out the theory that it's going to be a double elimination, and the others seem to agree. Shannon reminds us that Jay wanted her to be more daring, but she argues that she doesn't want to jump off a building like Lisa. What is she even talking about? She makes no sense, ever. Bianca is still naming candid celebrities who wouldn't get in a bathtub. The list includes Kanye West and Courtney Love. Didn't Courtney Love, like, once nurse an adult guy in front of a Wendy's dumpster or something? It would actually kind of be progress for her to pose in a bathtub. But Bianca is ready to argue her case before panel, like a good and stylish model-lawyer. As she commends herself on her opening argument, we head to commercials.
We enter panel not with Tyra, but with one Miss Kathy Griffin, who tells the bitches to walk and that she is replacing Tyra Banks, who has been let go by the company. And then Tyra comes in like she's broken out of her dressing room, and it saddens me that the whole thing is not very funny. I love Kathy Griffin, and she is currently living my dream life as Cher's new BFF, so I choose to believe that she said lots of hilarious things that Tyra nixed. Anyway, there are prizes, there are judges, with Kathy being the guest judge. She was chosen because of her strong brand and strong personality, and Tyra notes that Kathy will have a record-breaking four comedy specials this year. Kathy replies that she'll have lots of making fun of Tyra to do, so Tyra should give her some good material. And I actually just saw Kathy Griffin at Foxwoods (the wonder of it all!) and she mentioned not a word about Tyra or Top Model. Sads.
Laura is up first for critique as NeNe, and ALT seems to like her photo. He says he got the moment, the feel, the attitude and the vibe. Tyra also enjoys Laura's sass and "hoochified" thing. She's selling it. Angelea's NeNe shot is , and Nigel likes it pretty well. He says that he's looking for a narrative -- he wants to see Angelea in addition to NeNe, and gets that from the photo. Tyra commends Angelea on her God-given cheekbones, as well as her ability to look into the distance and smize into the horizon. She's hor-smizin', everyone! Dominique is as Snooki, and Nigel applauds her for taking a risk by, like, resting her boobs on the motorcycle driver's head. He says that she's got star quality. Kathy says that Dominique brings the fierceness, but that she'd like to see a beautiful model totally wasted. That's how you bring authenticity to a Snooki photo. Alexandria is , wearing sheer black harem pants. Despite how tiresome Jay found Alexandria's finger waving, the judges love it and see evidence of both personality and sass. Alexandria snaps her fingers a few times, and I'm sure has to stifle a "You go, girl!" Anyway, as we saw last week, Alexandria does a fine job of looking like a reality TV character.
Challenge winner Lisa is , and her photo actually is pretty good. Nigel tells her that it shows her bone structure like he hasn't seen it in ages. We get a small montage of Lisa's past photos, and it's true that she can take a picture. No one mentions how busted she's currently looking in person. In any event, Lisa is safe from going home this week. She wishes the hussies behind her the best of luck, and they laugh even though they probably hate her. Kayla is , and Tyra doesn't see enough Snooki. Kathy agrees, saying that she'd like to see a touch of Snooki's hot mess in the photo. Nigel adds that Kayla looks dazed in her picture, and Tyra says that Kayla's fashion is fantastic but her Snooki is not so sweet. Basically, she's getting a bad critique for looking too much like a model. Allison is , and as she approaches Kathy notes that she looks like one of the Brady Bunch kids. It's true! She may have a career after Top Model in her chart-topping band The Silver Platters. Allison's photo is, according to Kathy, Snooki on a very good day. But Tyra feels all of Snooki's awkwardness and weirdness, with a model thing wrapped in it. So, I guess she's just model enough.
Bianca is up . First of all, her face looks amazing, even though there appears to be a pickle-clutching hand growing directly out of her head. Kathy enjoys the fact that it looks like Bianca as Snooki is passed out on the motorcycle driver, and ALT says that even though it doesn't look like Snooki, it's a glamorous photo. He wishes there was more mess to it, and that Bianca could have portrayed an unattractive Snooki. Don't look so much like a model! Also be uglier! I hope all you aspiring models out there are paying attention. Nigel then gets on Bianca's case for not splashing around in the bathtub at the perfume challenge. He asks what the big deal was, and Bianca says that it didn't feel authentic to her. She adds that she's tired of being just a reality star, and wants to be taken seriously as a model. The nerve! She says that she loves being on television, and doing things with Top Model, which is why she's there. She wants to take her career to another level, and notes that she has never seen Beyonce or Rihanna in a bathtub selling perfume.
Tyra wastes no time in doling out, "You're not Beyonce, Bianca." Well, she does have a point there. She adds that Bianca is trying to get somewhere in her career, with the implication that you have to degrade yourself to succeed. If Tyra were Bianca, and the assignment was to get in the bathtub, Tyra would do it and try to win. And we all know that Tyra doesn't consider it "fiercely real" when her underlings outgrow their britches. Shannon is as Snooki. Nigel tells her that she has the bone structure, but needs star quality as part of her personality. Tyra saw a fire in Shannon in Cycle 1, which Shannon needs to bring back.
The judges deliberate. Nigel finds Laura's photo to be rather amateur, but Tyra and ALT like it. ALT says that he got a scintilla of "Nay-Nay." I don't know who Nay-Nay is, but I sure hope she's more enjoyable than NeNe. Nigel and ALT agree that Angelea has evolved, and Nigel appreciates how she's taken their notes and improved. Kathy agrees that if they're not taking notes and doing better, they're not booking the gig. Nigel thinks that Alexandria takes everything too far, but Tyra likes her finger waving. ALT, somewhat inexplicably, is a fan of Alexandria and thinks she's improved. However, Tyra adds that Alexandria's brand involves toughness, which she's not really adhering to. Kathy likes Lisa and all of her personality, and says that even though she didn't really channel NeNe, she has a great photo. Nigel thinks that Lisa has, overall, been trending downward, but this week everything changed for him. He thinks her photo is one of the best of the bunch. Tyra is also feeling Lisa.
Nigel thinks that Kayla is forgettable, and not selling herself nearly enough. Tyra remembers Kayla as being quite lovable and huggable in her season, but now nobody wants to embrace her. Kathy wishes she looked more like Snooki, and less like Paris just out of prison. ALT agrees that Kayla is missing a wow factor. With regard to Dominique, ALT thinks that maybe he likes her, deep down. Nigel makes a crack at how she cakes on her makeup, but Kathy defends a fellow bucket-o-foundation-wearing sister. Nigel thinks that Allison has the potential to be a star, but needs to own it. ALT doesn't see her moving on and giving him something to make him excited about who she really is. Nigel says that Bianca has a wow factor in her physicality, but he doesn't think that she's a star. Because she won't splash around in a tub on command! Kathy points out that Bianca is gorgeous and modelesque, but it's okay to know your place on the sub-D-list. Bianca is essentially fighting her place in the celebrity food chain. ALT says that Tyra, Linda Evangelista and Kate Moss would all get their asses up in the tub. Shannon lacks sizzle, and will probably be the to go even though Tyra says she admires someone with good bone structure and conviction. With that, the judges have made their decision!,/P>
There are nine beautiful ladies in front of Tyra, but only seven photos in her hands. Yep, that's right -- double elimination! While the week of LaToya is a week of benevolence, the week of NeNe is one of doubled misery. I shudder to think what the week of Star Jones would entail. The best photo of the week goes to Lisa, who has immunity anyway. To her credit, she's not even particularly smug about it. Angelea is called , followed by Laura, Alexandria, Allison and Dominique. This leaves Bianca, Kayla and Shannon in the bottom three. Oh, alas. Shannon is stunning, and also has morals. But the judges see her as being too safe to really stand out. Then there's Kayla, who stood out because of her strong pictures that showed freedom combined with vulnerability. But now, she's so watered down that she's melting away. Then there's Bianca, who clearly should win this fucking thing. She started off rough around the edges, but over the years has become a professional working model. However, the judges fear that she's not approachable. Also, they want her to get into the damn tub when instructed, and spit on her proclamations of self-respect and healthy sense of dignity. So who stays? Shannon. Kayla and Bianca are eliminated, leaving Angelea and Allison as our last hopes.
Tyra says her goodbyes to Kayla and Bianca, and Bianca looks surprisingly sad. Or maybe just tired? Although Kayla wishes she had won, she says she's okay with the results. She's learned a lot, and is proud of herself overall. Bianca says that her all-star experience was amazing, and that she's going to continue being herself -- that includes being candid, sassy, fashionable and staying dry sometimes. It sucks to lose, but that's the way the fat-free cookie crumbles. I shall dunk said cookie in tears, because a Top Model All-Stars without Bianca is like, well, a cookie without fat. It will be a dry and tasteless remainder of the season, devoid of stank and spirit. Pour a little out for Bianca, everyone. But just a little, because we're all going to have to be plenty liquored up to survive a Lisa D'Amato victory.
week: The girls record their own song!
Potes is in mourning, but can still be tweeted @traciepotes or emailed at potesypotes@gmail.com.