Episode Report Card Keckler: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Pirates of the Implants
By Keckler | Season 3 | Episode 2 | Aired on 09.16.2003
Locker Room. Quantum and a few Uh-Ohs -- including the kick-some-alien-ass female Uh-Oh from last week -- stand around half-dressed as they put off getting into their EV suits until the camera can take in their bods. Quantum takes a quick poll of which of the Uh-Ohs have experience in gravity boots -- the results are inconsequential, since the important thing is that Quantum got to walk around in the small area without a shirt on, and the camera leched up female Uh-Oh's body -- and warns them to watch their steps. It looks like, although female Uh-Oh is wearing the same boy-cut shorts and jog bra that we've seen T'Pol in and out of, she wasn't given any spare dinners. And it's not just the military bit, but something about her reminds me of Riley's fiancée in "As You Were." Reed reminds everyone that even though they didn't pick up any bio-signs, there still might be things walking around. Quantum orders guns on stun. In a show of flexed muscles, female Uh-Oh cocks her gun. Ahem.
Oh, my lud, I haven't even gotten through the credits yet? If it's twelve-thirty on the West Coast, that means it's three-thirty on the East Coast...damn, I still can't drink yet. ["It's eight-thirty in England. Go for it." -- Sars] A sh'pod cruises to the adrift vessel, flips over and docks. An upside-down camera shot shows the team clanking around the darkened corridors. Do they really think we'd forget "Fight or Flight" that quickly? As the camera slowly rights itself, a random hightop floats across the screen. I guess the crew of this ship didn't want to die with their boots on. Reed notes weapons fire remains on the bulkheads. An Uh-Oh wrenches open a door and has trouble breathing when a dead alien floats out. They don't detect any external injuries on the alien, and move on to the Bridge. More alien bodies float around. The creepy music doesn't affect me in the least -- this storyline was a lot more freaky when the bodies were having their juices sucked out of them. Reed downloads information from the ship's computer.
Locker Room. Quantum disrobes and briefs T'Pol at the same time: "We counted seventeen bodies. Most died when the life support ran out, the others were killed by particle weapons." The Vermillion Velveteen Vulcan reports that the only thing that happened when he was gone was that Ho-shi-min (tm Demian) managed to get the transceiver back. At least she wasn't bored. Quantum orders May-Commented-Out to reset their course at one-quarter impulse. The Vermillion Velveteen Vulcan objects to making star tracks before their repairs are complete. "Those people have been dead for less than two days, whoever attacked them could still be nearby. We'll have to make repairs on the move," Quantum tells her, and adds that Reed got some info off the alien Bridge computer that might prove helpful.
Engineering. Trip blesses the reactor with holy water and attempts to bring it to life, but as it's still spitting up lightning bolts, Trip shuts it down again. Quantum checks up on him. "Creating a stable warp field isn't easy when the laws of physics won't cooperate. The Cochran Equation -- it's not constant here," Trip says. "Equations are NOT things that can be constant or not constant, you IGNORANT, LAZY BERMAGAS!" the Evil Dr. Mathra thunders. It may seem nitpicky, but the Evil Doctor's got a point. If you're going to be a sci-fi show, you should try to get some things right. I'm not talking about the technobabble shit they make up, either; I'm talking about something as basic as that kind of comment from an engineer. It's as ridiculous as Hoshi saying that German is a Romance language. All these small, nitpicky things build up over the years to make a big, dandruffy pile of Things We Didn't Care Enough To Research, and no amount of Michael Dorn selling Neutrogena T'Pol Gel is going to wash away the insult to our intelligence. Trip blathers how impossible it is to deal with his warp drive in the Expanse, and Quantum orders him to make the weapons a priority. "You worried about somethin'?" Trip asks. "Weapons, Trip, as quickly as you can," Quantum non-answers, and leaves. I don't know about you, but I always thought it was a helpful stimulant for a captain's direct reports to know exactly why they were working so hard on something. Sort of gives a little fillip to their work ethic when they know there might be killer aliens in the neighborhood. Quantum playing this close-to-the-vest game is distancing and stupid. Trip wonders to himself, "Now where's Isaac Newton when you need 'im?" Laughing at you, I believe.