Episode Report Card Keckler: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Pirates of the Implants
By Keckler | Season 3 | Episode 2 | Aired on 09.16.2003
Situation room. T'Pol tells Quantum that the information they downloaded from the murdered ship shows that those poor creatures were also about to go after the Osaarians, but their life support failed before they could make a move. Since the murdered aliens found a way to modify their sensors to track the masked ion trail of the Osaarians, May-Commented-Out has started pursuing a modification course of their own. T'Pol reports that their hull plating is back online, and that they should have phase cannons within the hour, but Reed is still having brainfarts when trying to compensate for the anomalies on the torpedo guidance system. Quantum decides to help Reed out in the armory.
But he's not going to find him, because Reed's in the Mess Hall getting himself a cup of "black tea, hot." Oh, just say "Earl Grey" already! Reed sees Trip poring over some e-pads and asks if he's finished rewriting the physics books. "I don' think I'll be taking home the Nobelle Priiiize anytime soon," Trip drawls. I don't think I'll be surprised by that anytime soon. Malcolm tries to suggest to Trip that he should get some sleep, and then asks if he's still having trouble sleeping. Trip sighs and says, "T'Pol's been tryin' to help. Showing me how to stimulate my neural nodes." Reed looks intrigued. "It's not what you think," Trip says, catching the look. "I wasn't thinking anything," Reed says innocently. Trip asks about the weapons. "The Captain and I managed to bring the guidance systems online, but I'm going to need more time for the aft launchers. Fuller knew those torpedo systems better than anyone. He won't be easy to replace," Reed finishes, looking into his empty mug. Uh, except that Fuller was a she...? Trip looks down. "Considering all the hostile aliens we've met," Reed continues, "I suppose it's fortunate we haven't lost more people." Trip darkly doubts that Fuller'll be the last. Reed tells him not be cynical. Reed, honey, your lip gloss is sparkly and everything, but it's not being cynical to note the reality of the situation. Trip comments, "Every species we run into seems to be gunning for us. We might as well paint a giant bull's-eye on the hull." Hee -- can they please do that? Reed wonders if Trip thinks they should just turn tail back to Earth. "All I'm sayin' is that this mission, whether it succeeds or not, is lookin' like a one-way ticket all the time." I think he means it's looking more like a one-way ticket all the time. Maybe it's the wine (it's finally five o'clock here), but Trip is looking cuter to me all the time. Actually, screw the wine, I think it's the fact that he makes me laugh more than any other character on this show. To copy those annoying personals, "Kissing every day is sexy; laughing every day is sexier." I met an old college friend of the Evil Dr. Mathra at a wedding, and he was going on and on about how much the Evil Dr. Mathra made them laugh at school. He finally turned to me and asked, "You're married to him -- do you laugh every day?" Yes, I do. No matter what kind of day it's been, I always do. It's strange, too, because he's so quiet and downplayed that no one ever suspects what a freakin' goof he can be.
Bridge. Even though they've been able to track the ion trail, they still can't find the ship. T'Pol notes that where the ion trail ends, there's a gap before the trail resumes again; Hoshi puts a cool graphic up on the screen to illustrate this. Quantum wonders about the gap. They all hypothesize for a bit. Reed says, "Captain, the particle decay rates don't match. This one is at least nine hours old and this one was left less than an hour ago." Quantum orders, "Bring weapons online. Take us to where the first trail ends." Shel Silverstein suddenly popped into my head on that line. The ship shake-and-bakes, and the lights flicker. May-Commented-Out says, "I'm not reading anything." Not even your lines? Poor devil. Enterprise slips into a yellow fog and disappears. Reed reports power fluctuations, stuff explodes on the Bridge, the fore plating goes down, and the hull has microfractures. With a sound that is so very reminiscent of the Tie Fighters made in Star Wars, Enterprise comes out of the yellow fog. The viewscreen beholds a big, irony ("Baldrick, have you no idea what irony is?" "Yeah, it's like goldy and bronzy only it's made out of iron.") orb. Yeah, yeah, that's-no-moon-that's-a-space-station-Star Wars-cakes, moving right along. They all stare in awe. T'Pol reports that the hull is made from a single alloy (why is that important? No, seriously, I've heard more about single alloys and married alloys in the last two episodes than I have my whole life -- what's the deal?) and Reed wonders, "Who could build something that big?" God. No, I don't mean that as an expletive; I mean that God could build something that big. If he were real. Or bored.