Episode Report Card Keckler: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Worm Turns
By Keckler | Season 1 | Episode 3 | Aired on 10.02.2001
In his quarters, Cpt. Quantum has a little log time. On the bed, Porthos keeps up with his master's pacing, which I thought was cute and totally realistic dog behavior. You can't go all Brady Bunch and introduce the dog in the first episode, only to never show it again. ["Unless Porthos gets hit by a car." -- Sars] Like his other entries, this one is about Cpt. Quantum's feelings for T'Pol. "I didn't think I'd have a Vulcan on board who continually sucked the air out of the room," he says. He muses that T'Pol is probably correct in predicting that the residents of the Magical Mystery Ship don't want the Enterprise crew to board them, but they could be in need of help. "Computer, pause," he sits on the bed next to a wriggling Porthos and says, "You know that you and cheddar don't get along!" But he gives it to him anyway. If dogs and dairy are anything like cats and dairy, he's going to find a rather oogy mess in his cabin when he gets back. Cpt. Quantum goes back to his log and does the Jig of Justification about why they need to board the Magical Mystery Ship. Hoshi pays a visit to the Captain in order to establish that she will take on the role of Hysterical Female for this episode. She really doesn't want to go on the away mission, and tries to convince Cpt. Quantum to let her stay behind. Claustrophobic because of the spacesuits, fear of finding dead hanging things, lack of adequate dosages of Paxil in outer-space -- it's all to no avail. Or should I say an-vail, as the paralleled irony of Trip begging to go and Hoshi begging to stay becomes too much for my stomach to take without a swig of beer from my brand-new MBTV Drinking Game Stein? Hoshi finally gives up and tells Cpt. Quantum she'll meet him in the launch bay. "Hold on, I'll come with you," he tells her. Porthos yips and whimpers. "That's the last time, Porthos," Cpt. Quantum tells his adorable dog, and lobs him a piece of cheese. Diarrhea City, second star to the right and straight on till morning.
In the locker room, Reed grabs some oversized portable weapons. "Going to war, Lieutenant?" Cpt. Quantum pointedly asks. "Can't be too careful, Captain," Reed says, locking and loading. Cpt. Quantum tells him he's watched "too many science-fiction movies." Is that supposed to be self-referentially amusing? Because it's not. "We just need the three phase pistols; put the rifles back," Cpt. Quantum tells him before turning to Hoshi: "What've you been rated for?" "I've been cleared for EM sidearms and Class Three pulse rifles," Hoshi tells him, pulling on her bronze spacesuit. Reed hands Cpt. Quantum a phase pistol, and Hoshi regards it nervously. "I've never seen one of those," she says. Cpt. Quantum says Reed will "check [her] out on it first chance he gets," and tells her it "handles pretty much like an EM-33." He demonstrates the loading procedure, which is awesome, and slaps it on her magnetized belt. Hoshi asks if it's really necessary to carry weapons. "Just a precaution," Cpt. Quantum tells her. You know, as much as she's playing Hysterical Female, you'd think she'd be happy for the extra protection.