Episode Report Card Keckler: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Worm Turns
By Keckler | Season 1 | Episode 3 | Aired on 10.02.2001
Reed reports that the Tarantula is fifty meters above them. Interestingly enough, closed-captioning has Reed saying "ten meters." Cpt. Quantum tells Hoshi to tell the aliens to run scans on the pumps aboard the vessel. "They'll see they're not our technology. Have them compare the power signatures to the ship that's about to land on our roof!" he says, panic rising in his voice. "Where are they, Malcolm?" Reed reports that they've stopped "about ten meters" above them. Some magnetic arms come down from the Tarantula and stick onto the Enterprise. Hoshi says, "I'm having trouble with the word 'pumps,' sir. I've got the translator searching for synonyms." Lifting weights, La Leche breast group, something sassy by Jimmy Choo with a strap? The alien barks at them, clearly not understanding anything that's going on. "I think he's running out of patience, sir," Hoshi trembles. "Then forget the translator, do it yourself!" Quantum orders. Hoshi's almost in tears as she says, "Do what myself? I've hardly learned their basic conjugations!" What's her hang-up on grammar? Just say "No. Kill. I!" and stop your doggone whining, already. Finally, T'Pol says, "Talk to him, Hoshi, it doesn't have to be perfect." "You don't understand, I don't even know how to say 'pump.' I'll get it all wrong -- it'll just make things worse." Overachievers -- never good in a tricky situation. Quantum tells her that "things can't get much worse." Hoshi protests with a weak-ass, "Sir." The arms from the Tarantula start spinning, and Reed reports that they're drilling into the hull. Quantum grabs Hoshi, forcing her to look at him, and tells her he needs her to "do this, [they] all do." Hoshi digests this plea for, oh, I don't know, an ETERNITY before acquiescing. She steps in front of the view screen and starts talking to the alien. It seems to go well. Pretty soon they're exchanging recipes for chicken potpie. Quantum finally asks what was said as the alien goes back to his panel. But in this case, words are not necessary, as the tiny alien ship fires above them, causing the Tarantula to release Enterprise, which impulses off. Reed says he's finally gotten his scanners aligned and asks permission to launch torpedoes. "Permission granted," Quantum says. Reed fires one backward, which appears to cause some damage. The only explanation I can think of is that the smallish alien ship fired enough to bring the Tarantula's shields offline, therefore leaving it vulnerable to Enterprise's weapons. The smallish alien ship fires a few more times and manages to blow up the humungous Tarantula. Oookay. Must be the David-Goliath syndrome. "Nice of them to wait till we got clear!" Quantum comments, and orders the engines to "all stop." Quantum walks over to Hoshi and tells her he thinks they just made a friend, thanks to her.
Quantum sits on his star log in order to tell us that they made friends with the Axanar and helped them recover their dead, and that they're an androgynous species who live for over four hundred years. "I look forward to meeting them again, under better circumstances," Quantum says, closing with, "Before we resume our course, I've agreed to make a brief detour." Phlox and Hoshi are on some planet that looks about as genuine as the one from "Skin of Evil." Phlox watches as Hoshi opens a clear Lucite purse -- which she totally got at Urban Outfitters -- and places Sluggo on a rock. Sluggo seems to have changed color; at the beginning of the episode she was reddish, and now she's greenish-yellow. "This isn't exactly like the place you came from but it's close enough. It's not that hard to adapt. You're going to do just fine here." You know, anvils are like suckers: there's one born every minute.