Episode Report Card Keckler: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Worm Turns
By Keckler | Season 1 | Episode 3 | Aired on 10.02.2001
On the bridge, T'Pol looks in her scanner and signals the Captain. "How big is it?" Trip asks as he, T'Pol, and Cpt. Quantum bend over a panel. "Approximately ninety-two meters in length," T'Pol answers. Cpt. Quantum comments that it's not going very fast. "It's not moving at all," T'Pol says. There's a screech, and I look up to see Mathra swinging from his ankles above me. "A totally meaningless thing to say in space, where there's no Earth to give a fixed reference frame, Subcommander T'Physically Impossible!" That's it, I'm taking back those damn gravity boots. Cpt. Quantum asks where the nearest star system is. T'Pol tells him it's three light years away, and Trip suggests that they're conducting a deep space experiment. "Maybe we should go have a look," Trip grins. T'Pol starts to say, "If you insist on allowing your curiosity dictate your actions --" "We insist," Cpt. Quantum interrupts. Yeah, take that, T'Poopy-Pants. By the way, for all you with dirty minds, they are talking about a ship.
Enterprise comes out of warp, and her bridge crew is busy collecting information on this Magical Mystery Ship that's coming to take them away. Trip can't find anything out about the ship's propulsion system, "but it may be offline." Reed gives similar information about their weapons: "If they have any, they're not charged up." Hoshi's not picking up any communication signals either. Cpt. Quantum orders her to process a message through their translation matrix. "My name is Jonathan Archer," he says, widening his stance to Captain Wide Groin Diameter. "I'm Captain of the starship Enterprise. We're on a mission of peaceful exploration." Okay, who out there thought he was going to say, "We're on a mission from God?" Just me? All righty then. Cpt. Quantum looks around at his crew as he delivers his message. "Earth!" Trip says in a stage whisper. "Oh, we come from the planet Earth. We're sending you a pulsar grid that should help you locate our star system." There's no response, and Cpt. Quantum asks Hoshi if she "rotated the frequencies." She tries again. "No response, sir," she reports. Trip asks if he can get a close-up of the "venting ports around that hatch." Cpt. Quantum gives the go-ahead, and they discover that they aren't looking at venting ports, but scorched hull breaches. T'Phat Lips reports, "The residue indicates oxidization and thermal shock effects. It could be the result of a high-yield particle impact." "You mean weapons," Cpt. Quantum says portentously. "Possibly," T'Pol says. Cpt. Quantum asks for bio-sign indications. "Scanning their ship's interior might be seen as an invasion of their privacy," T'Pol says. Guess respect for privacy no longer exists in Kirk and Picard's time -- they scanned for bio-signs like it was going out of style. Cpt. Quantum asks Hoshi if she's getting anything yet. That's a negative. Trip comments, "If there is anybody home, you can bet they know we're out here!" Reed asks why they don't respond in that case. T'Pol elaborates on Trip's metaphor by saying, "Not everyone chooses to answer the door when they hear a knock," and suggests they go back to their original course. They find another hatch, which measures at point-nine meters. Cpt. Quantum instructs T'Pol to scan for bio-signs. T'Pol reports finding some "life forms" aboard. "Humanoid?" Cpt. Quantum asks. "Their cellular activity is below the threshold of your sensors," T'Pol tells him. "Maybe they're in trouble -- sick or something," Mayweather suggests. "Maybe they're not interested in visitors," T'Petulant says. You know, she was actually doing okay until she had to chew out that line. Of course, it doesn't help that we heard her say it over and over again in previews, which makes the actual line sound trite and ineffective. Cpt. Quantum glares at his science officer and asks Reed to prepare a shuttlecraft, while ignoring T'Pessimist's comment that they still haven't tried "a number of protocols." Hoshi tries to support T'Pol by saying that she could attempt other bandwidth frequencies. "Suit up, Ensign," is all Cpt. Quantum has to say. Hoshi quails visibly. "The ship is yours," Cpt. Quantum says to T'Pol, and leaves the bridge.
Cpt. Quantum walks down a corridor with Trip "All-Day Sucker" Tucker and tells him he's not part of the away mission. "What makes you think you can open the hatch, or turn the lights on for that matter?" Trip whimpers. Cpt. Quantum shoots him down by saying they've got beacons. Trip tries again by saying that he knows how to operate turbolifts on multi-deckers. Interesting point: this Enterprise is not multi-decked. We haven't seen evidence of turbolifts -- just stairs. Cpt. Quantum gives him a skeptical look, so Trip plays his last desperate card: "I've got a better reason why you need an engineer. 'Cause your engineer signed on to this mission of exploration so he could do a little exploring. He didn't sign on so he could sit in Engineering while you three get to break into that ship!" Why don't you stamp your feet, cross your arms, and say it's not fair too? Because I bet that'll work. Cpt. Quantum tells him they're not "breaking in" to the ship: "We're just going in to see if everything's okay." Trip rightly points out that Cpt. Quantum's "chomping at the bit" to get on that vessel, and asks why he should be any different. Cpt. Quantum assures him they'll have plenty more opportunities to explore, but right now "the ship's a little young to be without her Chief Engineer." Finally, Trip nods his reluctant acceptance. I actually approve of this scene. Too many times on TOS or TNG, totally superfluous personnel went on away missions with little reason for doing so.